One of the most crucial relationship skills is the ability to predict what will happen next.
This is one of those skills that many think they have until it’s blatantly obvious they don’t.
Most people don’t have this skill because they are unaware of what is happening.
People who cannot predict what will happen in the moment, over the coming weeks and over years, are going to experience growing and more complex problems.
Sometimes, these problems are so hidden that a divorce request out of nowhere creates a traumatic shock – I have seen many of these cases where one person had no idea there was even a problem.
A person who loses their temper or rages at their partner will create a number of problems if this pattern persists.
The person who pleases their partner to get their needs met will be shocked it’s never worked in fact it’s made matters worse.
A person who withdraws emotionally from a relationship will find the end result isn’t the protection they want at all.
The man who decides to do it her way to keep the peace will find he is creating a slowly growing disconnecting upset in her.
The people who don’t understand how their sexual attraction works won’t be able to fix it or get it back.
Some people expect baby love from their partner, and they expect to be loved for no reason.
You see, these and many more distorted emotional patterns that people run will have short, medium and long-term effects on their relationships.
The problem is they have no idea what these effects are, so they keep doing them.
It’s like watching people running towards the edge of a cliff blindfolded.
For example, the wife becomes upset, and the husband leaves her alone because he knows she will eventually calm down.
He has no idea the problem he will now create in her over the next few years if this is his go-to pattern.
How about the wife who is constantly critical of her husband is removing his ability to succeed with her.
So he will either stay and give up who he is, he will leave her, or spend more time where he is valued.
That can be at work, with friends or with someone new.
At the point of a marital crisis, being able to predict what will happen next becomes even more important as the window of opportunity can close.
When a relationship is in crisis and on a knifes-edge, the next step is so important to learn.
One lady had decided to continue to rage at her husband because of his affair.
She felt justified; what she refused to see was he already had one foot out of the door.
Instead of spending time understanding why he decided to have an affair, her rages pushed him out the door.
She then raged because he left her.
Spending time with him, I learnt that her rages were what she did when he didn’t do things her way; it was her pattern.
He said she was very difficult to love, so he had to find love outside of the marriage.
At crisis point, many men become domesticated they are unaware they are bringing a practical solution to an emotional problem that will have little impact on her or how she sees him.
It’s like blowing up the tires when the car runs out of petrol and then being confused about why it doesn’t work.
Men and women are so confused by their problems they tend to make the problem worse in the quest to make it better.
Those who leave the marriage think the divorce has fixed the problem.
They are in for the next shock as their thinking has not highlighted that a divorce does not magically teach people how to be effective with their next partner.
Divorce is not an educator; all it creates is a legal divide.
The couples I help learn either why the marriage can work or why it can’t.
This level of certainty helps most people to reconnect this time correctly – there is a right and wrong way!
It also leaves a few to part amicably because now they both understand why.
This saved those couples years of heartache with each other.
Relationships are highly complex, so my clients demanded easy ways to predict how their actions will be received and how to get more out of themselves and be more effective with their partner.
They want a win-win solution.
When your whole life – family and finances are on the line, you must know what you are doing, or you may make it worse without meaning to.