The biggest challenge with long-term relationships is keeping the passion alive.
Many people believe the passion dies because it naturally happens to everyone so there is widespread acceptance this is normal, but this belief is simply not true.
The truth is passion dies because people are not consciously connected to the foundations that keep it alive.
In fact, many couples end up practising what will kill their passion and attraction for each other and this creates unnecessary relationship stress.
Too many people lose their attraction for their partner and won’t know why.
To make matters worse their partner will not react well to this new disconnected state and this can start a destructive cycle.
If we look at sexual intimacy the worse thing anyone can do is put pressure on the person that’s lost interest, but so many couples are in conflict over their sex lives or lack of it.
If the person experiences pressure it’s not the right approach because it’s going to be damaging to your relationship – as you read on you’ll discover exactly why.
The key to lasting passion
The foundation for maintaining sexual intimacy and passion is connected to what creates and keeps attraction alive.
If you think about when two people first meet the reason they have a second date is because they liked or loved how they felt about themselves on that first date.
So when this self-connection happens they will want that experience again this feeling creates attraction towards their new partner.
If you look at any couple in crisis are they loving how they feel about themselves when they are with their partner?
Of course not, this lack of self-connection will kill attraction. In other words, I don’t like how I feel about me when I’m with you.
In fact, many couples end up practising for years the total reverse of what they did to attract their partner and many can’t work out why their partner is now full of resentment or emotionally distant.
So let’s break this down so we can see some of what’s going on.
On our first date, the key to a second date is in helping your new potential partner love how they feel about themselves when they are with you.
For example, one reason why women love men with a sense of humour is because her ability to laugh helps her connect to herself and she attaches that wonderful feeling to him and this helps her feel good when she’s around him.
The reason this is important is because a person who is authentically connected to themselves will feel free to contribute emotions such as love and joy it will feel natural.
This is critical
If a person doesn’t feel free to be themselves when they are with their partner they will not be motivated to connect to any kind of contribution-based actions especially ones that would leave them feeling vulnerable.
The result is they won’t feel good about themselves and they’ll attach that bad feeling to their partner.
The lack of connection to become what’s important to them will start a cycle of pain that if practised will eventually create suffering and these destructive feelings also become attached to their partner and the relationship.
An individual in marital crisis is going to be disconnected from themselves because of the past resentments they have stacked and their ongoing need to self-protect themselves.
Self-protected people are not interested in contributing to their partners’ needs and their focus is going to be themselves and their own emotional survival.
One of the first questions I might ask a client in crisis is when was the last time you really felt like yourself – the partner you wanted to be when you are with your spouse?
In most cases the answer was “oh god I can’t remember” or “years ago” or “in our first year together”.
In essence, people lose passion and attraction for each other when they lose connection with themselves when they are with their partner.
This is why people can feel terrible when they are with their partner and yet in seconds have a great time at work or with friends.
I see many men who haven’t seen the process they have been in with their wives.
His reactive conclusion is he loved who she was when they first met, but he doesn’t like who she’s now become.
Men can choose to leave what he now sees as a negative woman unaware he’s probably part of what’s taken her there.
Women don’t see that her husband has no idea how to hear what’s going on for her, or what she needs and so she assumes he doesn’t care.
All this misunderstanding practised over time helps individuals disconnect from who they are when they are with their partner.
There is no way attraction and passion can stay alive in a world of constant defensiveness, judgement, assumptions, criticism and negativity.
The foundations for passion
- Emotional security
- Emotional connection
- Vulnerability
The moment a person is free to be vulnerable and be their true selves in the way they want it, that’s when they can drop their protective guard and start to contribute to feeding the marriage what it needs.
In some cases, this process is purely a couple understanding each others world.
In other cases, a person may need help due to outdated protective patterns due to poor parenting or other historic traumas as two typical examples.
When both people embrace helping each other to become their best self this is the key to their success – this is where attraction can grow.
Remember men and women don’t understand each other very well so helping your partner connect to themselves when they are with you is an important skill to learn.
In summary
The couples that kill their passion are going to be keeping the need for a focus on self-protection alive in some way.
The couples that grow deep connected passion for each other are doing the reverse, they use Love and Connection as a focus that creates:-
- Emotional security
- Emotional connection
- Vulnerability