Understanding just this point will go a long way to help people understand why they are struggling or going round in circles.
Everyone is different and unique.
Couples that are initially attracted to each other will have more differences naturally.
Initially, these differences are seen as positives because they create attraction, fun, and desire, so the connection is addictive.
The problem comes when the differences show themselves as perceived negatives.
This happens when a person is upset, or during a conflict, or breaks of trust.
During these times, the differences are profound and misunderstood.
This is when couples get into trouble.
Each person is judging the other as if they are the same, this is the first mistake.
So based on one persons’ version of normal, the other person must-have badly behaved, so they feel justified to be unhappy with them.
People are not considering in that moment their differences are at play, and this means their behaviour is their normal.
This is why there are so many misunderstandings.
It’s why so many women come with a message their partner is emotionless, lacking in empathy and lacks communication skills.
It’s why so many men come to me telling me their partner is overly emotional, unreasonable, dramatic.
To be clear, I do hear the reverse for both sexes too.
Some men tell me their wives are emotionless, and some women tell me their husbands are too dramatic.
The problem is that each person thinks their version of behaviour is acceptable, so they judge anything outside of their normal as wrong.
Your partner is not a version of you.
Couples must learn their differences so they don’t end up creating a negative attachment to their partner.
Negative attachments can creep up and build.
They can be the cause of lack of love, loss of attraction and, in some cases, have a feeling of being unsafe.
The positive of understanding the differences is that you are able to translate your partner accurately and help them.
That skill supports the relationship.
I see many people consistently translating their partner incorrectly over the years, and they have ended up feeling the need to leave them.
Effective translation is one of the most critical skills that’s missing from so many relationships.
The message I want to leave you with is this.
In times of upset, specifically if you try to judge your partner, 99% of the time you will be wrong with what they mean and what they are trying to achieve.
That is one of the most significant relationship destroyers I see every day.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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