Today’s post is about a topic that some are not going to like, but this understanding will help many couples start the process of avoiding destruction they won’t want.
The clients who are consistently the most resistant to what you will read are the ones who are the most fearful – I see this in my sessions.
Over nearly two decades of seeing couples in crisis, it’s easy to see the patterns of destruction and the patterns that create success.
People who practice these problem behaviours usually communicate feelings of resentment, fear, and loss of trust. Many will feel alone and unloved.
The problem is that they are unaware that what they are doing is harmful to themselves and the relationship.
Because this is one of the biggest problems I see, I wanted to help you see this hidden problem.
If this specific understanding illustrated in this post is not corrected, the person may choose to leave the marriage unaware they will experience more of the same problems in their future relationships.
This is one of those problems that won’t go away.
My advice is to change the pattern of behaviour before anyone decides to change their partner.
The basics of connection aren’t complicated, but most do not see why their actions are not working.
In most cases, they will blame their partner and may feel leaving them is the solution.
Those who move on to a new relationship will likely experience more of the same problems because of this issue.
You see, If you don’t have certain critical skills in your relationship, then you’re probably not going to make progress.
A lack of progress usually creates a loss of connection.
For many, this process is exhausting. Some blame their partner, and some end up wondering in the end that maybe marriage isn’t for them.
If they wanted the truth, they would discover it’s not that marriage isn’t for them. It’s marriage isn’t about them!
This is a revelation for so many.
If you listen to disgruntled people across the country complaining about their partner, you will see that their focus is on themselves and what they are getting that they don’t like or not getting that they think they should have.
One of those skills, and the one I want to focus on today, is understanding that being married isn’t about YOU.
It’s not about what you are getting or not getting.
If this is a focus for anyone, please expect compounding ongoing problems.
You see, marriage is not a place where selfish or self-centred thinking or behaviours ever work.
People who look at a marriage and wonder what they will get will find the answer is very simple – it’s not very much!
You see, marriage isn’t about you. It’s about your partner; until that skill is understood, there will always be a struggle.
It’s about what you bring to them. It’s not about you and what you get from them.
You can’t be selfish in a marriage and demand what you want, and it works out well for anyone.
Expectations in marriages are essentially relationship cancer and are at the root of most couples’ bickering.
People who struggle in marriage constantly are the ones who are focused on themselves and what they are not getting.
Others fear giving too much just in case they don’t get what they want back.
Some feel they have given in the past and not gotten back what they wanted, so they stopped contributing and stacked resentment.
Some keep score with how much they give and how little they get back.
Marriage isn’t about what you get back. It’s about giving without expectation – I give because it’s who I am this is the key to success.
This is where the problem starts for many people.
You see, marriage isn’t a business. You don’t give to get back. You give because it’s who you are.
I’m a loving caring kind person no matter what!
No matter what you do, what you say, or how you are with me, I will always be an identity I am proud of.
Interestingly, when this is done well, what people get back is significantly more than if they traded or demanded.
Couples that succeed put love at the centre, and they use that love to learn how to help and support their partner to be successful with them. They don’t become their judge.
That’s how a successful team works.