“My partner constantly tells me I’m the problem, so I get blamed for everything!” This is a common complaint that enters my sessions.
To be fair it would be very rare for any situation to always be just one person’s fault so what is really going on?
What I generally see is two people who are unable to see or understand each other’s perspective.
So when one person gets the message “you always…” or “you never…” it’s going to be the truth from the perspective that both people never really understand each other and they will always misunderstand what is going on and why.
People BLAME when they expect their partner to see the world the same as they do and take the actions they expect.
Couples in relationships are usually unaware they are designed to be different for a specific reason.
When this isn’t understood couples end up seeing these natural differences as problems or wrong.
Lack of comprehension is the real problem couple face.
As a result, their expectations won’t be met, so they blame each other.
Masculine and feminine energies are designed to see the world differently.
The problem with blame is all it really creates is more disconnect.
But couples are unaware it creates something much worse for the person who is doing the blaming.
The reason for the blaming is the process of one person wanting to put responsibility at their partner’s door for what they did or should have done, but didn’t.
The problem is twofold, people never take being criticised well so because it’s a terrible motivator they tend to push back and not take responsibility, but they will add resentment and attach that to their partner.
The other problem and it’s the biggest one is the moment the blamer has given the responsibility to their partner for what they did or didn’t do, it’s the moment they have instantly lost control of what happens next.
People wanting to control do not see the irony because by trying to control they actually lose control.
All they can do now is wait for their partner to take action or not, listen to them or ignore them.
So you see BLAME never works well because it also sets up the possibility of a winner and a loser.
Couples are not seeing if one person loses they both lose.
What sane person who is on the same team wants their own team to lose?
Too many couples don’t see themselves as a team and there lies yet another problem.
So never use BLAME to get through or get your needs met – there is a better way for those wanting to learn.
Learning how to see the real problems is the key to becoming an effective and valuable partner whilst improving your relationship with yourself.