I get people seeking help from me on their own because their husband or wife will refuse to talk about their problems with them or with a professional.
So why would someone refuse to speak to solve the problems?
There are many reasons, but here are a few.
- The person doesn’t agree there is a problem.
- The person knows if they talk about the problem, the problem will get worse.
- If they talk about the problem they will have to deal with emotions that follow and that scares them as they don’t know what to do.
- If they talk about the issues the relationship will end.
- They are just not ready with what they want to achieve from a conversation.
- Being silent keeps them in control.
- They know they will emotionally lose control if they talk.
- They know they are the problem and they don’t want to admit it.
- They don’t know what they want.
- They want out, but are stuck.
What can you do to get a person talking about the issues.
The problem with trying to force someone to talk is you will notice they will go further into their shell if you try it.
In fact you cannot force anyone to make changes that they don’t want to make.
What you can do is become an influence for change.
What so many miss is the reason their partner remains stuck in this pattern is because they too are stuck in the same pattern of approach.
What they need is a new approach.
A person in this situation will notice that as they try to engage their partner they will trigger them into negative behaviours.
What this tells us is the person can be influenced.
The next step is to discover how you can trigger the person positively.
You see you are far more likely to engage a person by taking them to feelings they would like.
By supporting their needs and helping them positively you are far more likely to engage them to feel confident a conversation will be constructive.
That creates a new platform for less defensive conversations.
You see the idea of not talking in all cases is a self-protective position.
Once you remove the need for self-protection the pattern of engagement can change.
This enables reconnection.
One gentleman spent his sessions with me understanding how he could do this with his wife who had left him.
He engaged her so differently and successfully she decided she would like to meet me.
She was confused, skeptical, and stuck.
He was now stepping up and being what she always needed.
Could she trust the shift in him?
She had to find out and so she agreed to join in the process for personal empowerment and 6 months after she left him she moved back in.
It all started with him changing his behaviours.
He took sole responsibility of their marriage, he owned his problems, put her first and looked after her in a way she could connect to.
He didn’t wait for her to change like so many do and fail.
He understood that if he wanted a change then he must be that change.