Who knew each person on a planet is driven by different and very specific emotional needs? When these needs are not met couples will always experience disconnect.
Remember critical means critical and this means if the relationship doesn’t meet these needs the person will feel compelled to go where they can meet them.
What’s worse is most people do this without conscious thought.
Many people decide to marry but don’t have a sufficient understanding of how different they are and this will be a significant source of stress for any couple.
Couples are not aware of many dangers in their relationship if they don’t understand how to feed it.
Not understanding or meeting a partner’s CRITICAL NEEDS is one area of concern that can lead them into a painful emotional disconnect.
So please hear this message – if a partner’s critical needs are not met they can eventually feel compelled to leave the marriage.
These needs are called CRITICAL for a reason.
Not meeting a person’s critical needs is the emotional equivalent to the physical stress of not eating, it just takes a little longer to emotionally kill their emotional connection.
Relationships need feeding and the couples in crisis I see will present one or both people starved of emotional needs that are important to them.
They won’t always know what’s wrong all they know is they feel bad and have attached that growing feeling to their partner.
One person can be very busy doing what they think is right for their relationship only to discover none of what they did connected to what was important to their partner so both people end up frustrated.
I hear many women say “my husband says he loves me, but I just don’t feel it”.
I remember one man, distraught because his partner told him she no longer loved him.
He said I worked hard in my job and provided for my family every day. He was clearly a very nice man but he was dramatically disconnected from her emotional needs.
They didn’t make sense to him so he dismissed her emotions as unimportant.
As a result, she felt alone, abandoned and unloved.
This man loved her, but he only gave her the love he wanted, because it’s all he knew.
He never considered that for her to feel “love” she had to have it in the way she needed.
People are simply not aware of how important this is and how destructive a needs deficit can be to a person’s emotional system.
I remember two well-known musicians came in both in a state of disconnect and were totally unaware that meeting each other’s needs was even a thing.
So NEVER let your partners’ critical enter a deficit because they will suffer and attach that suffering to you and this leads people to self-numb or emotional detach.
A significant part of helping couples reconnect is understanding how and why their partner is so different to them.
When differences are understood and critical needs are met…
- They can rebuild their connection.
- Trust can reform.
- They can reignite attraction.
- They can build the desire to sexually reconnect.
- Plus it helps them become a team
So this is a powerful skill to learn.