• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

New Clients: +44 (0)845 519 4808

Existing Clients +44 (0)20 3793 2829

Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

  • Home
  • Private Coaching
  • Marriage Breakthrough Program
    • Couples Coaching
    • Individual Coaching
    • FAQs
  • About
  • Success
  • Initial Consultation
  • Blog

Separation – Good or Bad Idea?

A common question I receive is about my view on separation, can it work to help a couple reconnect or is it really the end if we do it?

It’s a common question because so many people can’t stand their living situation anymore and so they request a need for time and space to think on their own.

What they want is FREEDOM from the years of suffering.

They are usually not quite ready to throw in the towel, but they are also not committed to the marriage either.

They may be in a values conflict around their children, or they may be wondering if they can trust themselves.

I’ve seen other people full of anxiety and are not capable of making a good decision for themselves.

If the couple gets the structure of their separation wrong they can end up in an exhausting “separation limbo” and that can go on for years.

When couples ask me about separation I always say that if there are no other options (especially once assessed) then the separation must be managed so the separation creates a chance for the couple to understand their situation properly.

It’s important the couple are informed enough to make intelligent decisions because reactive fear-based emotional states are not conducive to logical outcomes.

For many people their emotional driven decision has created more stress for them down the line.

So with the rest of their lives at stake it’s a good idea to slow down the process so the couples outcome is a safe one.

In most cases, I will not agree a separation is a good idea (you’ll see why as you go through this post), but there are exceptions and so the merit of separation must be assessed for the good of the couple’s outcome.

In relationships if one person is unhappy then both are unhappy so they must only be together if it’s a win-win relationship.

It’s also important the separation has rules especially if the view is to work out if they should be together or not. It isn’t a free pass to engage other sexual partners as this really will muddy the waters.

Separation must be about learning

Understanding the couples disconnect through learning is the safest way for an effective separation.

If there is no desire to learn then it’s likely there is an acceptance that where they are is all there is (the person feels they have nothing to learn) and there is nowhere to go – and so the separation is likely to really mean divorce for the person asking for space.

The exceptions are when illness and extreme anxiety mean the person cannot function and so learning is not possible at that time.

Even if the couple is genuinely wrong for each other the learning will be critical for each person to understand the problems they could have brought to the table without knowing.

In the many cases I have seen, the couple’s separation is not about learning it’s been about them cycling through the same level of thinking that created the problem, in other words, it’s not helpful to them at all.

In other cases, the separation is just about the person not having to think, again about their problems so there is no learning just relief.

The problem with the concept of “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is they are leaving their future to the roll-of-a-dice.

It could happen, they might miss each other, but it’s going to be a fingers-crossed strategy with no learning attached.

In this situation all the couple/person is waiting for is a feeling to descend and if they do get back together what are the chances of the destructive cycles happening all over again?

So they decide to separate with no support function what will happen?

You see the danger of separation without support is very simple, the wrong conclusion can be made and now everyone’s life is affected.

Or they do miss each other and within months the problems are back and now the couple are in danger of no more chances.

In addition to all this, the problems that should have been uncovered through learning are then taken into the next relationship(s) and their children can be affected by this repetition of the same problem(s).

Attaching the feeling to the wrong thing

The person wanting the space or separation is instantly going to feel better or relieved once their partner has gone, they may have some sadness, but relief will be over-riding energy.

The question that is rarely addressed is this: Why does that person feel relief what is that relief really attached to?

If the person attaches their relief to their partner not being at home, then the thought of them coming back will create natural stress even anxiety and they will not want that to happen, this survival mode will block any learning.

The unseen problem is this person is reacting to an assumption and so will not be learning anything about themselves or the problematic dynamic they created in their marriage.

IMPORTANT: What if their relief is attached to something else, and that something else is at the root of the couple’s challenge.

CRITICAL: Expanding the thinking

For example: What if the person is relieved now they don’t have to keep alive all the problems within them.

You see in the marriage the person will have needed to keep all their problems front-of-mind to protect themselves.

They will not have let the past go they will be fully attached to it and this enables their wall of protection to stay up and on guard.

This process of keeping the wall up is exhausting for that person and they will have escaped the marriage to get relief from this process, so visiting friends, family all helps to give them temporary relief.

What we are learning here is the relief is due to them taking down their own wall and reconnecting to themselves, wouldn’t that process be a massive relief for anyone?

The BIG unanswered question

What if the person could have removed the wall whilst they were in the relationship because they now understand what was happening and why.

Men and women are confusing each other all the time and so it’s very easy to conclude a partner is being mean or doesn’t care, when in reality their behaviors were misunderstood and they did care.

Many people I see are protecting themselves from partners that do genuinely love them, but because they don’t feel it and so their own reactive fears take over.

I met one lady who was so shocked to see she had run this pattern three times in her life and was only now seeing this destructive pattern in her 60s – that’s a lot of life wasted.

Others are simply fed-up with their lives and in their mind they attach those problems to the marriage.

You must never change who you are again

The biggest problem is people can end up bending and twisting themselves to try to give the relationship what they think it needs only to hate how they feel about themselves in the process.

What if they learned how to support the relationship, but never had to change themselves again?

Having to change who we are is very stressful and emotionally painful, but people are doing this without knowing so this would be the first step to help them decide if the relationship is right or wrong for them.

The function of the support

It’s important to stress that at any stage in the process the help or the supporting function must not have an agenda to fix the couple or get them back together.

The function of the support must be to help the couple see the reality of their situation so they are armed to decide which way the relationship should go.

Slowing things down

Most relationship problems are simply a sign that something is needs to change and that change isn’t separation or divorce.

I don’t expect couples to naturally understand their problems, but it’s important to know that just because you can’t see a solution, it doesn’t mean there isn’t one.

Separation and divorce really should only be used in extreme cases sadly too many people are unaware of what their minds are capable of and they let their feelings run their decisions totally unaware that feelings can change and they do!

Category iconSeparation & Divorce

"FREE Call with Harley Street Marriage in Crisis Expert Stephen Hedger"

"In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress."

Get Started Now!

Recent Posts

  • “STOP making YOUR partners upset about YOU!”
  • “Never try to change your partner”
  • Retired couple in crisis “We should know better at our age!”
  • “He wants to leave the marriage”
  • Never make anything more important than your partner – Mini Post

Over 1000 Relationship Articles

 

Categories

  • A thought for Sunday
  • Communication
  • Destructive Patterns
  • Infidelity-Affairs
  • Loss of Love
  • Loss of passion
  • Marriage Coaching
  • Personal Development
  • Rebuilding trust
  • Relationship Stories
  • Retirement Crisis
  • Save Marriage Alone
  • Separation & Divorce
  • Stop & Never – Mini Posts
  • Testimonials
  • Top 10 Popular Posts
  • Uncategorized

Primary Sidebar

Free Blog Subscription

Join over 30,000 subscribers who have looked for insights into intimate relationships why they work and why they don't. Weekly posts join now.....

Popular Posts

  • Built an Empire and lost a Family
  • Marriage in Limbo
  • Rebuilding Connection & Trust
  • Divorce Regret
  • Divorce Prevention
  • Resentment Stacking
  • 36 Principles For Success
  • My Wife is Aggressive
  • A Wise Old Man's Decision
  • I was in tears
  • Tourtured by the past

Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

About Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for consistently and naturally saving many marriages from divorce. He is a favourite of business leaders, business owners, Judges and celebrities.

Stephen runs his meetings from his office in Harley Street London and supports his global clients over Zoom.

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

Footer

Sessions currently held over Zoom

If you are interested in Stephens help please call his team on

+44 (0)845 519 4808


Head Office
10 Harley Street
London
W1G 9PF

Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

  • Cloe Hedger (Stephen’s wife)
  • Marriage Breakthrough Program
  • Individual Coaching
  • About
  • Success Stories
  • Over 1000 Articles
  • FAQs
  • Mission: Vision: Values:

Recent Posts

  • “STOP making YOUR partners upset about YOU!”
  • “Never try to change your partner”
  • Retired couple in crisis “We should know better at our age!”
  • “He wants to leave the marriage”
  • Never make anything more important than your partner – Mini Post

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

Apply FOR HELP NOW

Terms & Privacy Policy      Copyright © 2022 StephenHedger.com. All rights reserved. Company No.08279028    Return to top