So what has to change for a woman to be so convinced she wants a divorce?
I was talking about wisdom a few days ago and here it is in action.
This lady was right to think divorce was the right decision.
But she was wrong about what she needed to divorce.
You see what she learnt was she needed to divorce how she was approaching her relationship.
She needed to divorce the dynamic she was a part of creating yet didn’t like.
She needed to divorce the old knowledge and replace it with a new safer way of thinking.
You see smart people know when they see the truth and are happy to change their minds when they see it.
This lady was the wife of a CEO and was unhappy and blamed him.
When I met her I could see she was unaware she was only seeing the world from her own perspective, like so many people she thought what she thinks is how it is and all there is.
She had no idea what she wanted and needed would never be understood by her husband who was busy fire fighting at work whilst not seeing the fire that was decimating his marriage at home.
Her emotional system was telling her to make a change, but her knowledge was limited so she could only see one choice and that was a divorce.
Thankfully she was smart and she was open to learning.
She told me she wanted out. I could hear she was living the story she had created which would have been painful.
I could also hear a very limited perspective, as she told her story I could hear that her husband would never have understood what she needed.
Yet here she was blaming him.
I told her I was not interested in glueing them back together, but I was keen that she expanded her knowledge so she could make a safer decision.
So I asked her to put the lawyers on hold whilst we worked together.
She reluctantly agreed.
As I helped her to expand her thinking to see his world I could see confusion descend.
Part of her that could see what I was telling her was true was in a battle with the old her that wanted out.
She was not going to give up her old thinking without a fight, she had spent years using it to feel terrible and attaching it to him.
So she fought and challenged, but in the end, what she wanted was the truth.
She wanted a safer future and she could start to see how she was in the marriage was a big part of the problem.
She could now see her husband’s perspective and how she had been a part of turning him into an unhappy man at home.
The unhappy man she despised.
She started to see she lacked the understanding of how to bring out who he really is, the man she fell in love with.
These are important skills to learn you see the demanding, the negativity, and the criticism had shut him down and pushed him to work harder at work at least he was successful there.
Although she was entrenched in her suffering she had one quality that would keep her safe.
She had the courage to admit she was wrong. This lady had courage, many don’t have the courage to seek their truth so they have to live with the truth of their distortions whilst blaming others for how they feel.
She didn’t want to live that distorted truth.
By allowing new thinking in she allowed wisdom in, the wisdom that says just maybe I’m also part of this problem.
This allowed her to see by being the creator of the problem she had the power to change not just how she felt, but also change her husband and how he showed up.
She learnt how to hear him, and how to bring out a part of him that would support what she needed.
She discovered she could give him a safer place to open up.
She told me he started to talk to her.
She created a place where he felt safe to let go of being the CEO at home and wanted to become the husband she fell in love with.
This lady had fallen into a common trap that people suffer from.
She had been seduced by the part of her that needs to look for what was wrong, we all have it.
When this search happens she will find it and if practised over many years she will emotionally retreat to protect herself from what it discovers.
As she changes through fear she will bring out the worst in him and ends up using his reactions to her as proof of the truth.
This is the problem so many face, they are living the truth of their distortions not of their capability.
Only the brave few will search for the truth, these brave few refuse to suffer.