One of the challenges that regularly enter my sessions is when one person is unsure what they want.
This is a very challenging position for both people as one person becomes uninvested and the other is waiting for an axe to fall.
They could be here because they feel they have been unfairly treated, or the relationship is no longer what they need it to be.
They could find they can’t be themselves in their marriage anymore or don’t like who they are when they are in the marriage.
These people can feel very torn because a big part of them is telling them to leave because they are unhappy, whilst another part is telling them there is a lot to lose.
What’s holding them back could be about kids or finances, or maybe they are worried about their own thinking and if they can really trust it.
The challenge this situation creates is the person who is unsure will always ask for space.
But what do they need the space for?
From their partner perspective what they see is their partner avoiding the issues rather than trying to work them out.
In essence, the person is waiting for a feeling or an emotion to descend.
They are waiting so they can gain clarity on their situation and thus make a good decision.
The problem they face is the feeling they are waiting for will never come.
You see, as a relationship progresses, the feelings need to be based on decisions rather than the automatic energy that newer relationships create.
Imagine a person sat at home waiting for the feeling of fun to arrive if they wait nothing will happen.
Being fun is a decision that requires an action just like other emotions.
Maybe if they sit there long enough, the feeling of passion will magically arrive!
Feelings for those in the know, are a choice based on a decision.
If the practice of deciding to bring an energy has stopped, then those feelings will die, and that person can deduce the relationship is over.
So a person in a long-term relationship stays invested because every day, loving their partner and bringing their invested energy is a decision.
Those who treat their partner like they are “just there” are not deciding to love, care, support, look for the good, and bring fun and passion.
In new relationships that automatic driven energy is created by chemistry based on natures desire for survival of the species.
Please remember the automatic feelings and their drivers in new relationships never last.
So my advice is always the same.
If you are unsure if your marriage will support what you need, then don’t sit on the fence take steps to find out.
Remember I see a lot of people asking me to undo terrible life changing decisions.
So if you want clarity then taking steps to gain that clarity is critical, thinking alone will not bring clarity just more fustration on both sides.