Many people have found themselves stuck in a marriage that is not working for them.
They know they are unhappy and have been for a while.
They swing from knowing 100% they have to leave the marriage to days later questioning that decision.
They can cycle from frustration and anger to sadness and then back to frustration looking for an answer that never comes.
A lot of these people are usually very decisive people.
They know how to be successful in the rest of their life yet here they are stuck and directionless.
Even their own stuckness (apparently that is a word) is surprising and frustrating for them.
What’s interesting about this pattern of being stuck, unsure of what to do is it’s not a new pattern for this person in this area of their life.
In their marriage, they will have felt stuck historically especially when things have gone wrong with their partner.
But they normally know what to do
In their professional lives or as a parent when things go wrong they usually know what to do to fix the problems.
But with their marriage, they probably felt lost, confused, and simply baffled by their partners’, behaviors, reactions, and emotions.
This lack of confidence in knowing what to do or how to influence their partner into positive energy when things go wrong is painful.
Who wants to be 100% committed to someone they cannot influence positively?
That’s a vulnerability almost anyone would want to avoid.
They are doing their best, BUT…
What I find is most people are doing their best, BUT…
Trying to understand a partner’s behaviors using the filters of your own mind is always going to lead them to disconnection and problems.
This is why most people are left with this destructive pattern:
I am going to translate your words and behaviors using my worldview and my own mind filters and then make you responsible for my interpretation of what you just said.
This pattern causes terrible problems and can lead couples into the wrong understanding of their relationship.
So the goal is to understand how to get this right.
So it’s time to get off the fence
If the person were to look at this again they would agree they are not 100% committed to leaving yet, if they were committed they would be leaving or would be gone.
They will also notice they are not 100% committed to the marriage either.
They are 100% committed to staying stuck.
My advice to anyone in this horrible situation is to commit 100% to discover what the marriage is capable of.
This is different to 100% committing to fixing it.
What this person needs is a safe path to understanding how to be the best version of themselves whilst learning how to positively trigger their partner.
You see being the best of yourself is really all you have. If the best of you isn’t good enough then, of course, you must leave BUT…
You must be the best of yourself with the help of someone that knows what they are doing – what you know is not going to be enough.
This is important because your version of being the best of you may not be what your partner needs so getting this part right is critical.
Remember being in a relationship should magnify the feelings you both value.
Remove the destructive patterns
Many people have destructive patterns that mean the way they meet their own needs in the marriage has disconnected them from what they value.
This is going to be emotionally painful problem for themselves and their partner.
These are the unseen destructive patterns that will migrate into future relationships if not understood today.
Many have discovered this too late so we must learn from their lessons.
So before the marriage is shut-down the first question is how would the marriage respond if both people removed their destructive patterns?
What would happen if they grew patterns that connected each individual to themselves and to each other?
Would that be enough?
Until a couple makes these changes they will never know and so doing nothing is not a safe option at all.
It’s not safe because the people that sit on the fence for too long are in danger of their partner taking control and in a way they won’t like.
So taking positive action towards an answer today is critical for anyone in this situation.
The window will close
There is a window of opportunity that will close for every couple in this situation.
So all the time the chance of getting off the fence and throwing yourself into intelligent discovery is still available it’s a really good idea to take it.
You will gain far more clarity than you have today and powerful relationship-building life skills.