I have never written about this topic before, but it’s an important part of transforming what seems like a hopeless marriage. It will also explain why getting through to a partner may be harder and more complex than you think.
So, if you are struggling, this might be why.
After supporting thousands of couples in crisis on the edge of divorce, I’ve witnessed the raw pain and suffering that people endure.
One group of individuals in this situation struggles to want to reconnect. Their partners are totally lost and don’t know what to do because nothing they do seems to work.
The reason they are struggling to reconnect is because their partner is living in a survival state of mind and from here reconnection is not possible without understanding what’s going on.
This post is about opening up that understanding.
The Survival State
The survival state is an emotional red alert position—people in this mode are highly self-protective, constantly guarding themselves and their emotions. Their lives are no longer about living; they are simply trying to get through each day.
In this state, relationships become transactional. The emotional connection has gone, and the future can feel irrelevant—almost like it doesn’t exist.
This group is often confused about what to do in their marriage. Some are certain it can’t work, while others don’t know what to think—or avoid thinking about it altogether, ploughing their energy into their family and friends.
Many are 99% convinced they can’t trust their partner, with a catalogue of examples to prove why. Emotional security is absent, and past wrongs and perceived betrayals consume their minds.
Because vulnerability feels too risky for these people, their desire to contribute to the marriage will be low. Many in this place believe they’ve tried before and only ended up hurt. As a result, they avoid vulnerability like the plague.
Over time, this survival identity becomes ingrained. Some people adopt it after a traumatic event, while others live in it for years, normalising this highly limiting emotional state.
In this space, the person’s primary need is certainty, and they gain that through keeping all the wrongs alive, meaning trust becomes almost impossible.
I’m going to share the basic concept through this next real-life example before we get to the focus of today’s post.
An Example of Preventing the Survival Identity taking hold
One woman I worked with was on the verge of falling into this emotional state. Her husband had just left her for another woman, leaving her with four young children—one just two years old. She arrived at our session so distressed that she could barely speak.
To help her, I knew I needed to empower her to access a more resourceful identity—more powerful than the identity she was about to adopt. She was facing a tough road ahead and had critical decisions to make, and her fear wouldn’t support her through this.
As she poured out her pain and disbelief, I interrupted gently, asking about her children. I explained that for young children, being abandoned by one parent could be terrifying—and in their young, irrational minds if one parent could leave, what’s to stop the other from doing the same?
So they need their mother to be strong for them!
As those words left me, I saw her identity shift in an instant.
The distressed, wounded wife was gone. Before me now sat a fiercely protective mother, ready to protect her family at all costs. Her emotional state transformed completely as she was no longer focused on herself.
Through this new identity and perspective, she accessed strength and clarity.
As her sessions progressed, she discovered additional identities that empowered her make sense of the situation she was in. Eventually, she was able to understand the crisis that led to her husband’s affair—and with help, they rebuilt their marriage.
This couple later referred many other couples to me to gain access to these life-changing skills; choosing not to live as victims and seeking a more powerful identity is an important decision.
So now let’s look at someone who has been stuck in a survival identity for years.
Living in Survival for Years
The survival state offers only two responses: fight or flight. It’s not an identity that supports exploration, healing, or discovering what a relationship could achieve.
A person in this space will not feel able to shift from this emotional position. Their behaviours will continuously reflect their focus and state of mind.
To their partner they can come across as negative, difficult, uncaring, cold some are mean or harsh.
All they are doing is sharing how they feel inside and for many they can come across like they want to control and manipulate everything that happens.
Many partners of this person can end up walking on eggshells around them; other partners can hit a wall and want to exit the marriage.
Many people in this survival state/identity can find they snap out of this dark place when their partner, who has had enough, says they want a divorce, and they believe them.
This is a shock that can shift a person back into caring and loving. It can look like the person has instantly changed who they are, which is confusing for everyone.
Generally, such a dramatic shift isn’t trusted as it can be seen as more manipulation. I remember one lady who was stuck not interested in her husband or any form of intimacy shocked out of her when he left home and never came back.
She asked me, “I want him back so much, and I can’t stop thinking about wanting to have sex with him…”
The reality for this person who was in survival is it’s like they have woken up and are now able to embrace themselves again.
So, the mission for people who have adopted a survival state is to get them out of this unhelpful energy before they lose control of their lives or families.
Many people who regret their divorce have been in this place 100% sure they want out, and when they have it, they wake up to their truth. For some, that’s deep regret.
So, we have to move them out of a self-limiting binary position into a far more creative and growth-orientated perspective.
One woman I worked with last year was profoundly stuck in this state—though she didn’t realise it. She believed her survival mode was simply “who she was.” So, she had embraced a self-limiting identity, and it was hurting everyone.
Through our work, she began to see that the certainty she craved was impossible from her current identity and emotional state. She also started to see that staying where she was would be destructive to her own children.
Helping her to see this survival state was unsafe made it easier for her to reject it at a deeper level.
Her mind then became open to exploring new identities.
Remember that logical conversations won’t work here, a process that frees the other identities is required to shift this person out of this place.
As she accessed these forgotten identities, her perspective on her problems shifted she noticed that each identity had a very different perspective on the situation she was in which helped her to see that one perspective was too limiting.
She began to see that even in the darkest moments, there were solutions—she simply hadn’t been able to access them before.
This process visibly lightened her. It was the start of a new way of approaching her marriage and her life from a new perspective.
Now her question was, if we become the best of ourselves, what are we capable of achieving together?
As you can see shifting identity is powerful.
Identity is Powerful
When I married Cloe, I asked myself: Who do I need to become to be worthy of the marriage I want? I created a identity call husband.
I share this story with my successful business clients. You can’t operate in your CEO identity in your marriage and expect to succeed as an effective partner. You also can’t run a parent identity and be an effective spouse.
Some people don’t realise that what they are bringing to the table—certain identities—will never work in a marriage. Others are stuck in outdated or unhelpful identities that no longer serve them, so they can never be themselves this is a miserable place to be.
Even our sexual energy has its own identity, and there are many reasons why people struggle to access it.
One gentleman I worked with 5 years ago had an anger issue.
His default identity was tied to his anger; he saw it as powerful as people were afraid of it – in his construction job he felt he had to be tough. I helped him understand this wasn’t good for a husband’s identity and showed him how to shift into a more effective identity for him or his wife. He accepted this, but I wasn’t convinced this logic was enough.
The real breakthrough came when I told him the identity I saw was of him being a weak and overly emotionally out-of-control man. I knew he would want to reject this identity, so by rejecting the identity, he rejected the anger.
His wife later told me his anger stopped almost overnight.
Understanding the Wrong Identity
Distorted patterns in relationships often stem from identity issues. Sometimes, these patterns are deeply rooted in past traumas, making them easy to slip into and difficult to understand.
One gentleman was living a victim identity in his marriage; this was created when he was 12 years of age. It was like a 12-year-old was running his marriage.
This is why logical conversations with someone stuck in the wrong identity often go nowhere becuase all you hear is their limitations and what they can’t do. They don’t reflect who they really are—they’re simply locked in what they fear.
Fearful people rarely seek solutions. Instead, they can only reflect their negative emotions and remain stuck in a toxic cycle.
Conclusion
Understanding identity is one critical part of breaking free from a survival state/identity. When people unlock the ability to access resourceful identities, they open the door to solutions, healing, and connection.
No matter how dark things seem, there are always new perspectives to explore—and those perspectives can transform not only how you see your relationship but also who you become within it.
Any couple in this space will, of course, need to know more. A person in this space will need help, the partner of this person will also need help to understand what is happening and be shown what they can do to help support and even be part of the solution.