A very successful businessman was on a call with me, passionately complaining about his wife’s behaviour.
He complained about what she did that he didn’t like. He complained about what she didn’t do that he thought she should do.
This went on for about twenty minutes.
He told me how badly behaved she was and wanted me to see her and put her straight.
He had had enough and was on the verge of leaving her.
He wasn’t aware his thinking was going to lead him to fail, so I had to start to evolve his thinking.
To start with, he had limited his judgement of her as good or bad. How I see people is very different to this.
I don’t see them as good or bad. I see them as either happy or unhappy.
For his wife to be doing some of the things I heard from him, I knew she would be an unhappy wife.
I knew she wouldn’t be perfect in the marriage, but thinking he was was a mistake.
He was seeing himself as right and her as wrong; this approach would mean the marriage would fail for the wrong reason.
So I asked him, in your business, if your customers don’t buy from do you blame and become upset with the customer, or do you work out how to become more valuable to your customer?
He agreed he would look to add more value, so he would change his approach.
So he changed a very powerful life model that worked to one that could never work, and he couldn’t see it.
So one of the core problems here is you feel qualified to judge your wife’s behaviour as bad.
By thinking this way, you are missing that she is clearly unhappy (not bad) and you are the person she is with, so you can’t escape; you are part of this problem.
Until you question whether you are part of the problem, you will blame her and never discover what is currently hidden from you in plain sight.
Why she is unhappy could be many things, but you must find a way to remove yourself as part of the problem by adding value to her.
He said, “…but I give her everything!”
It’s likely from what you have said what you have given her is not what she really needs; it’s only your perception of what she needs, so she has entered a needs deficit.
You have never been her; you have never been a woman or a wife, a mother, or a little girl, how would you ever know what she really needs naturally?
Like your customers, you have to learn them by understanding them so you know the value you are adding to them is something they will see as valuable.
The moment you realise you are not qualified to be her judge, you are only qualified to judge yourself, you give yourself a chance to discover what’s possible.
You can then potentially stop the divorce path you are on and teach your children the right relationship model to follow.
You are running the correct success model in your business; it’s why you are successful, so why change it?
This is a common mistake that so many people make, and they incorrectly judge their partner because they can’t see there is another perspective other than their own.
On this basis, they leave them and bring their part of the problem to someone new.
It’s why second and third marriages have a significantly higher divorce rate than the first divorce.
Unless you understand how you are part of the problem, the problem will naturally persist.
Plus, blame is a disempowering position where you judge and have to wait for them to perform in the way you want so you are emotionally ok.
Blame is the process of making myself out of control on purpose – this behaviour never makes sense.
Thinking that your partner is the only problem in itself is a problem.
So, if you learn how to become a knowledgeable partner that brings significant value in the way your partner needs, the question is, what happens to the relationship if you do this?
Understanding what you are capable of creating with the correct thinking and approach is critical.
I encourage my clients to practice this approach for 3-6 months and see what happens.
With the correct understanding, you’ll learn what can be created a new truth.
Not every couple is a good fit, but with so much at stake, making sure you are not part of the problem, you can free yourself from years of unnecessary suffering.
And most importantly, you can prevent a painful divorce for the wrong reason.