What does a person do when they put everything into their marriage yet it still doesn’t work?
What do you do when you can see your partner isn’t caring about you?
What do you do when your married life is on the line and yet you feel powerless to change it?
These people are all experiencing the marriage mirror yet they cannot see the reflection they have helped to create.
Below are a number of cases where each person was unhappy, but couldn’t see the reflection they were part of creating in their partner.
So a lady comes to me and tells me she wants an amazing relationship and can I help her build one after her divorce two years before?
The answer is always of course, in fact helping people build the right relationship from day one is something I wish everyone would ask for.
So I said to this lady I want to teach you “The Marriage Mirror”.
She looked intrigued.
You have asked for an amazing relationship which is great so I expect you want me to help you find an amazing partner?
She nodded, “…we are NOT going to do this!”
If you want an amazing relationship then YOU must learn how to become amazing, you must become the mirror of what you want.
The mirror
You see your partner is going to be a mirror of the value you are bringing to them.
Many will throw their arms up in horror, “but I do everything”.
It’s true many people are very busy in their relationship, but what if what they are doing has no value to their partner?
What I see is many people are busy in a way that kills their partners’ energy.
One very wealthy gentleman was shocked when he felt he had given her everything and on one hand, she did have everything.
What he didn’t see was she didn’t have what she really wanted and needed.
The money was nice, but she craved a connection that helped her want to love him, she was missing a meaningful connection.
Another lady basically gave up her whole life to support her husband’s career.
Yet he still talked about leaving her!
Giving up her life made her resentful, and so she did her duty, but it killed who she was and made her unhappy and she brought that to marriage.
Another lady kept attracting men who were “lazy couch potatoes” her words.
She said “I can’t believe it I’ve attracted another one”.
“Why do the men do this to me?”
I told her you are the mirror. “But I’m not lazy!”
“This is not a reflection of what you are doing it’s a reflection of what you are bringing out of them.”
“What do you mean?” she asked
“So I can see you are someone that just gets on and does things.” She nodded.
“You also seem like someone that doesn’t need a man, but someone that wants one.” She nodded
So he is a reflection of that.
He knows you don’t need him so to make you happy he is letting you get on with it.
But I do get upset at him for being lazy.
I know, but you also don’t allow him to help you because when he does it has to be your way and you criticise him when he gets it wrong.
So he has lost his confidence in his ability to please you so the couch is what he is left with.
What all these people learnt was their relationship was a mirror.
They learnt the cause and effect model.
The reason people don’t see this is because they are too attached to the concept that what they think and need is the same as their partner.
This thinking is guaranteed to cause a mirrored behaviour they won’t like.
This thinking is also a distortion and so they’ll bring out of their partner a distortion.
Many are after a reflective mirror totally unaware it doesn’t and won’t ever exist. A masculine energy cannot look in the mirror and see a feminine one looking back.
It’s not how it works and if you try to make your partner the same as you, you will kill their energy. It’s how many couples lose their sexual connection, becoming the same kills sexual attraction.
You see the mirror is powerful because it tells us the story of their connection.
Like the lady who complained her husband was immature, she treated him like a child every day. At home, he became the mirror of how she treated him, yet at work, he was a powerful confident leader.
So when you think my husband has no empathy, you will probably discover he feels the same because you don’t get him either.
When a frustrated husband tells me she is overly emotional I have to tell him your lack of understanding of her and how she works will bring a mirror of upset and frustration within her as she knows you don’t understand her.
So now she will become more emotional than before, you must not turn her into a man, you won’t like what happens if you do.
When I’m in sessions I listen to the complaint and then look for the mirrored response and then look for how to create the mirror they would both like.
Most people mirror in their partner what they don’t want simply because they are not understanding them and how to get the best from them.
The challenge most people face is they let their problems go on for too long and this mirror becomes that couple’s pattern.
It’s just what they do and this becomes the false truth about their story together.
It’s one story but not the only one possible once they understand the mirror they are both creating.
My message today is most individuals have the power to build a mirrored response they want by changing what they bring to the table.
It’s why so many are choosing to work with me on their own because by shifting the mirror they shift the dynamic – it’s a simple yet powerful cause and effect model.
It’s why one lady last year was able to reignite her husbands’ energy for her. She did it on her own, she didn’t try to change him she decided to learn how to be the mirror that would bring an energy that would bring the best out of him.
The result – both happier.
So you can blame your partner for the state of the marriage or you can see what you have done as a reflection.
If you want help with this please make contact here.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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