Many people are acting like withdrawing, fighting, controlling, separation, divorce or affairs is the correct or only solution to their marital issues.
When a relationship stops working this is a sign that a change is required, a divorce may be required eventually, but only once the couple has understood the real reason they are struggling with each other.
For those that think divorce is their only solution, not understanding the real change that’s required could bring on years of suffering for each person as the same problems become repeated but now with new partners.
One lady did this for 15 years over 3 marriages came to me almost giving up on love.
The key to marital problems is learning there are many choices available to couples who are struggling to stay connected. Sadly couples don’t see these choices and so they repeat the same old patterns hoping the outcome will somehow be different.
Even the couples that repeat this pattern tell me it’s crazy when I point it out.
I remember one gentleman was very confused, he had been having an affair for 18 months. He didn’t like his wife behaviours so he started an affair and now he was seeing his affair partner was behaving the same as his wife.
By learning how to interpret the women’s feelings in his life and correcting his own assumptions about what was going on he started to see his lack of understanding was at the root of him creating the exact same problem in both women.
In the end, he was smart enough to see the true problem, but what a mess he had created due to his lack of understanding.
Many people feel they have to leave their partner unaware they themselves were the real reason they were feeling bad in the marriage.
Too many see their problems as a sign of incompatibility.
It’s true that couples do become incompatible, but they didn’t start off that way.
So the question is what did the two people do to create their initial connection and what did they do to create an incompatible dynamic and why.
Wouldn’t it be better to understand the answer to these questions before a life-changing decision is made?
Divorce regret is significant, success rates with marriages from affairs are lower than 5% and divorce rates from second marriage is much higher than the first marriage divorce rates.
This is all because people are not understanding the real problem they face so they assume the problem is solved because they have left the problem.
In many cases these people are not seeing their partner was really not the problem, their lack of understanding of that relationship and what it needed to stay alive is the real issue.
Life long successful relationship building takes education we are not born knowing how. You see relationships don’t just happen they are created.
Initial attraction is automatic in couples that meet for the first time, but a life of love and attraction this takes real understanding and knowledge to create the actions that keep the couple aligned.
No where in our educational system are we given the knowledge that simplifies the mystery of staying connected and keeping attraction alive.
Imagine if couples took a step back from their relationship and learnt WHY they were struggling and what they could do to realign.
Image if couples could see their problems simply as a sign a change is required and they sought out that change.
The real solution to marital problems is education so both people can understand what they are currently blind to.
With couples that have been suffering for a while the key to their solution is helping them break their destructive patterns and literally one person can create a totally new dynamic if they make the change on their own.
One person changes the other has no choice, but to change in reaction.
I remember one gentleman who had a pattern of controlling his wife. He was doing it to protect himself and the relationship or so he thought.
She didn’t go out without him becuase of the upset it would cause and eventually, she felt so suffocated and disconnected even to herself when she was with her husband she started an affair with her neighbour.
After the initial shock of this discovery this gentleman learnt his need to control her was at the root of her needing to feel free and loved – without knowing he made his own fear happen.
Shocked at his mistake he made it his mission to learn where he had gone wrong and how he could now be valuable to her in a way that this time made her feel free when she was with him.
Freeing her and supporting her enabled her to want to connect to him again.
In this case, just one person positively shifted their whole marriage by taking 100% responsibility for it.
Having the skill to positively influence your marriage on your own is such a critical skill as life is full of challenges.
For most couples when stress hits them self-protection is the model most adopt and so this is one of the patterns individuals must change to keep the marriage alive.
If you want to know how to do this and more for your marriage please get in touch ASAP.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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