When your marriage is struggling, focusing on what’s wrong with your partner can feel natural. After all, if they’d change, things would be fine, right?
But here’s the tough reality: this approach often backfires, and people tend not to see it until it’s too late.
Trying to “fix” your partner is a quick way to deepen the divide between you because your negative opinion of them elevates you to become their judge, which is a fast way to create a disconnect.
Relationship rebuilding can only come from a WIN-WIN position, so a healthy reconnection will become much harder if you do not practise this win-win model.
This post explores why trying to change your partner rarely works, what you can do differently, and how focusing on your own growth can truly transform your relationship.
Why the “Fixing Them” Mindset Fails
It’s easy to slip into “fixing them mode” when things aren’t going well. You may find yourself thinking If only they were more considerate, more empathetic, less stubborn, less negative, etc…
In essence, you probably want them to change in some way.
This mindset zeroes in on your partner’s shortcomings from your perspective and imagines that everything would be better if they changed.
But here’s what really happens: the blame game begins, resentment builds, and things often worsen between you.
Trying to change someone or demanding they change only creates an environment where they feel attacked or unappreciated, making them more likely to dig in their heels.
The more you push, the more they may feel distant or defensive.
And while you’re focusing on their faults, you’re missing the only thing you can control – yourself.
This is a partnership, after all; focusing on your responses, habits, and behaviours can make a real difference in the relationship’s dynamic.
What most people don’t see is the immense power they have to create a new dynamic.
Why Becoming the Best Version of Yourself Matters
Imagine, instead of highlighting your partner’s faults, you focused on becoming the best version of yourself in the marriage. Many would consider his idea to be ridiculous, but when you see the terrible results those people get, you would never follow their lead.
In every area of life, becoming more effective is the fastest route to the results people want, but in relationships, many people become worse partners when their partner doesn’t do what they want.
Becoming a worse partner will only create a worse relationship.
I know this might seem counterintuitive, but here’s why it works. When you show up as your best self – grounded, kind, self-aware – you change the tone of your interactions. You’re not pressuring them to change but inspiring them to naturally match your growth and commitment.
In essence, a good partner will, in the end, respond well to the right approach and naturally encourage them to feel compelled to take positive action towards you.
If they have experienced a negative interaction with you for years, they won’t initially trust the positive change you are making. However, over time, a predictable and dependable change can turn into one they will trust and respond well to.
If you can trigger a person into bad behaviours, then YOU have the power to trigger them. This means they can be triggered into good behaviours, too.
Here’s how this shift can make a big difference:
- It Replaces Blame with Trust: When you work on yourself, you no longer blame your partner for every issue. Instead, you take responsibility, which builds trust. Your partner feels seen, understood, and safe enough to open up.
- It Sets a Positive Example: Self-improvement is contagious. When your partner sees you making genuine changes, they’re often inspired to make their own. You create a cycle where both encourage others to improve, deepening your connection.
- It Builds Emotional Safety: Working on your communication, patience, and reactions helps create a safe space in the relationship. Instead of snapping or getting defensive, you create a safe space where honest, meaningful conversations can happen.
- It Sparks Attraction: Authentic self-improvement is attractive. Your partner will likely feel renewed admiration and attraction towards you when you’re actively growing and developing. You become someone they respect, enjoy being around, and want to connect with.
The Better Way: Stop Fixing and Start Growing Together
Marriage isn’t about “fixing” the other person; it’s about growing with them. It’s about becoming the change that you want to see.
It’s a partnership in which one person becomes the encouraging force for both of you to bring out the best in each other, creating a positive and evolving dynamic.
When you focus on being your best self, you show your partner what’s possible in the relationship. Rather than demanding more from them, you naturally inspire a mutual desire to give and grow together.
This doesn’t mean ignoring your needs or tolerating unacceptable behaviour. Instead, it’s about ensuring you bring your best self into the relationship and reflect the qualities you aspire to see in both of you.
The skill to learn is how to stay connected to who I really am while bringing out the best in my partner.
Most people lack this skill because they don’t understand their partner well enough. They don’t see how their partner is naturally different from them, so they see their differences as wrong and feel qualified to become their judge.
What creates the changes everyone wants is sitting in the skill of understanding their world and why it is different to yours.
You see, the reason people’s relationships are not working is not because they are not right for each other. It’s because they don’t understand their partner well enough.
Conclusion: A Simple Step to Get Started
If you really want to transform your marriage, here’s a key takeaway: Commit to becoming the best version of yourself for yourself (that’s right for yourself) by understanding how your partner is naturally different from you.
Until a partner is loved for being who they really are, they will never give their true self to that relationship.
Until you become more of who you really are you won’t like yourself either.
My clients are incredibly smart people who are discovering that focusing on becoming better themselves through understanding is, in fact, the fastest way to rebuild connection, so they are shifting their focus onto themselves.
Before they understood this, they, too, were trying to change their partner and frustrated that it wasn’t working.
Concentrating on your own growth creates a space where both of you can truly thrive, leading to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
Trying to change someone else is like insisting your partner starts dieting so you can lose weight, which, of course, is ridiculous.
Of course, the question is, how do I change myself? What changes must I make? These are smart questions.
I would now say that 50% of my clients are individuals who come on their own, wanting to improve themselves and positively influence their marriages.
Demanding change or emotional manipulation will always backfire, making the connection a little worse every time.
Organic change is the best form of change. This type of change takes courage and resilience, but they are needed if you want to fight for your loved ones.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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