The fastest way to a better marriage is to change what you CAN control, not what you can’t.
If you have ever tried to change another human, you’ll probably find changing them is harder than you think.
You see, people only change when they decide to, so helping them change means learning how to trigger them positively, not negatively.
So the smart people are starting to see that to create a better marriage, they have to be better.
They see that to make a better marriage, they must change themselves first to achieve a positive trigger in their partner.
There has been a dramatic shift with my clients, and more and more are coming on their own, saying they have a feeling they are the problem and need help to be better partners.
She wanted him to be better!
I was on a Zoom coaching call with this lady, and she was visibly upset.
She told me she just had an argument with her husband.
She told me she was upset with him because he was always so miserable.
I had to share with her that in her quest to correct his emotional state, she had chosen to make her emotional state as bad as his.
I helped her to see that her behaviour would only make him more miserable, not less.
This lady had developed an unhelpful pattern: instead of getting the best out of him, she was triggering the worst in him and then complaining about how bad he was.
He thought she was a version of him
One common mistake I see people make is they think their partner thinks like them and sees the world the same as them.
My starting point is to erase the concept that you understand your partner because, after two decades of doing this, I have never met someone who does.
Couples tend to know each other well but don’t understand each other at all.
This one gentleman had fallen into this trap.
When his wife was not responding as he expected, he would become angry and frustrated at her.
In his mind, she was being badly behaved. He judged her to be overly emotional, difficult, and negative.
I had to share with him that if she was a man, he would be right.
In fact, I told him that how she behaved with him was typical of how most women would respond in her shoes.
I had to help him understand that the process his wife goes through emotionally is totally different to him, and it’s normal, not wrong.
To get the best out of her, he had to become better at understanding her.
He agreed that being a good husband was about protecting her.
He started to see in his quest to protect her he was leading her to need to protect herself from him.
You see, like this gentleman, you cannot protect a person you don’t understand.
A better team player
When two people get married, they are supposed to form a team.
I see many people complain they are not a good team, yet when I look at their behaviours, I don’t see them invested in their partner’s success.
They are not cheering their partner on, looking to get the best out of them.
Many want their partner to be a better team player, but in their quest to achieve this, they kick them, complain, and blame them.
Bringing the best out of your partner is an important part of being a team.
Remember, if the team loses, you lose.
Again, to do this, you must understand them first.
Conclusion
Better marriages only happen when people commit to becoming better partners, and this takes a dramatic shift in understanding.
If you want to change your marriage, change yourself first – get educated, learn how to be valuable, and learn how to make someone addicted to you and your love and passion for them.
The old saying is there is no “I” in “team” so making a relationship about yourself is the fastest way to kill it.
People are seeing their differences as either wrong or a threat.
Some even believe that being in love only comes from thinking the same.
IMPORTANT: Connection comes from being the same, but passion comes from embracing the differences.
Passion and sexual energy can only thrive when the differences are embraced.
So the next time you notice yourself trying to make your partner like you, please know this is an active step toward killing your sex life.
Masculine and feminine energy are different for a reason that is critical to understand.
So, if you are a masculine man and your unhelpful behaviours have pushed your naturally feminine wife into masculine energy, please know this is a significant reason why she finds sexual connection with you difficult.
This common example is one dynamic of many possibilities.
So, if you want more passion, fun, and playfulness if you want a deeper and more secure connection, then the first step starts with committing to a better you.
Better relationships come from partners becoming better partners.
Do it on your own, bring out the best in your partner, and take the power back.
Your first step to success starts here…
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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