When you’re constantly struggling to communicate with your partner it can feel like the beginning of the end, but it’s not necessarily a sign your marriage is doomed as you’re about to discover.
In fact, this disconnect often arises from deep-seated reasons that, once understood, can lead to a stronger, more resilient connection.
The distance you’re feeling might actually be a sign that growth and transformation are on the horizon.
Have you ever thought that your disconnect is actually trying to teach you something important?
You see, most people conclude their inability to communicate is a sign of incompatibility.
My clients learn that loss of connection is down to one fundamental problem.
Each person consistently sees their problems only from their own perspective, and that thinking will always lead them into an emotional disconnect.
Some people are very aware they don’t understand their partner, and others are convinced they understand, which can only make matters much worse.
So if one person can only translate what their partner is communicating from their own perspective the chances of them translating their partners words and actions incorrectly are very high.
This means that unless you can translate how your partner experiences the world their way, they will always feel a distance, and you will always be disconnected from what they are really feeling and what they actually mean.
When a couple enters a couples meeting, whether it’s professional or private, if both people are not trained to hear their partner’s words accurately, this will usually cause conflict.
They can fight about each person’s translation of what their partner did or said or what memory they are bringing to the table, which can lead them into a battle where the couple uses weapons and shields to attack the injustices and defend their character or their version of the truth.
Sadly, the process of each person seeing only their own perspective can, in many cases, cause more harm than good as the gap widens and the resentment builds.
So, the disconnect every couple experiences is trying to teach them something important, but so many miss the lesson.
You must learn to change your expectations and adopt a new way of thinking that gives you a window into how your partner is different to you.
In fact, you’re going to learn that your partner is so different that putting the correct meaning to their behaviour based on one fixed meaning and perspective will always create the wrong translation, which is why so many couples fail.
We are going to start with the fundamentals.
Please know you don’t understand each other. You’re not designed to understand each other, and you both don’t yet have the skills to do so.
Once a couple understands this, they can start to become curious and learn about what they currently cannot see.
The acid test is this: Does my behaviour bring out a good version of my partner (because it must), and if it does, is my own behaviour also good for me?
It’s important to note that getting the best out of another person means you must also get the best out of yourself; you cannot compromise yourself, so if you don’t know how to do both, this is a critical step to learn.
The WIN-WIN model is such an important skill to master.
I’ve been helping bright people globally, including Lawyers, Business Owners, and CEOs. None of these very smart people understood this until it was pointed out.
So please know that not understanding your partner has nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with the fact that we don’t know what we don’t know.
For a relationship to work, the couple must be a team, and misunderstanding will create a disconnect.
They can’t be a team if they cannot honour their unique differences, as this is what will keep the marriage alive.
- They need to be best friends and have each other backs.
- They need to understand what builds attraction and how it differs for each person.
- They need to be able to have conflict in a way that brings them closer.
- They need to agree on the direction of the relationship to solidify the reason they are together.
Those four pillars will packed full of unique differences.
When these foundational pillars are destabilised, the couple will build resentment, and their disconnect will grow year-on-year.
Not only will each person be driven differently by each point, but they will also be driven differently based on their unique gender perspective, which is how they feel good and how attraction is built.
No two people are the same; this uniqueness is built from birth to today, and the influencing factors of that journey are enormous.
Their experience on this planet is built from their first-stage filters. Their unique history, their beliefs, their needs and their values. All these factors combine and will start to create unique behavioural patterns in each person.
They will use these unique mind filters to make sense of the world from moment to moment.
Once the first-stage filters have been processed, the next-stage filters are engaged. They will move on to distorting reality, the next filter will delete what they don’t need to keep their unique story alive, and the third filter will generalise everything to build their unique meaning.
This means they can either overly simplify a situation or make it overly complicated.
So, no two people will ever experience the same situation in the same way.
It’s why when two people first meet, they may share joy or fun, but they will have different reasons for feeling this.
This is why when someone is convinced they know someone, it isn’t possible unless you are them.
This is why expectations, mind-reading, and assumptions are all so destructive.
So, the key to relationship success is building an emotional map so you know of what tools you can use to get the most out of your partner while ensuring you don’t compromise yourself.
This is the WIN-WIN model for success formula.
The demand you meet my needs model doesn’t work.
Points scoring back and forth doesn’t work.
Mind-reading, blaming and assumptions won’t work ever!
Worst of all, the ongoing practice of being right—making your partner wrong—will kill a couple’s connection and intimacy.
Of course, it doesn’t have to be this way.
All it takes is a desire to learn and a shift of understanding, and what looks like a hopeless situation with a few well-placed shifts can turn a disaster into a powerfully deeper, safer, and more passionate connection.
Couples that commit to this are sharing with me a significantly better connection than they have ever had.
This process is only for those committed to themselves, their relationship, and their family.
So, if you are interested in learning these life-changing skills and becoming a highly effective partner now might be the time to take action.
