Who else wants to know why a couples problems feel perminent? Who wants to know why they keep hitting the same old brick wall?
Who wants to know why they simply cannot get through to their partner, or why they go around in circles?
The answer is simple and it’s what I have to help every single person understand.
For most couples, I coach, the critical shift they have to make quickly helps them see the real problem for the first time.
One very bright lady saw the real problem appear in just one session and she left me the most amazing voicemail full of excitement at a future that before that day looked bleak.
You see the problem that stuck people face is they keep approaching the problem the same way, but are frustrated they get the same result.
If anyone keeps approaching any problem the same way, the result will always be the same.
We all logically know this, but it seems knowing this doesn’t stop very intelligent people from doing it over and over!
So why do intelligent people suffer behaviour even they would call madness once it’s pointed out?
It’s because they don’t see the problem with what they are doing and that in itself is a problem.
It’s like the time I was on holiday and watched this English gentleman in a Spanish coffee shop.
He wanted a hot chocolate, but they didn’t speak any English and he clearly had no Spanish, so he decided to say the same words again in English but this time slower, they still looked blank so now he said it slower and progressively louder.
Through frustration even tried to put an “o” on the end of his words so it sounded more Spanish.
“Hot Choc-a-lato” actually came out of his mouth.
As I watched it reminded me that this is how people in relationships are approaching their problems.
They can only see their own emotional map, they can only see their own perspective and so when others don’t think the same or understand their way they get frustrated.
The Gentleman in Spain looked at the waiters like they were stupid.
I’ve seen many people in my session look at each other just like that.
The solution for any couple sits in shifting their thinking so the solution can appear and this only happens when the person is open to learning something new.
This is a real problem for those that feel they have little to learn and their partner is to blame.
You see you can’t approach any problem in the same way you created it and still find a solution.
You have to speak your partner’s language, you have to understand their emotional world and how it is different you yours.
- A few shifts of thinking will help you see the problem you are part of creating without meaning to.
- A few shifts of thinking can be the difference between rebuilding a marriage or an unwanted divorce.
- A few shifts of thinking can put each person back in control in a way that is a win-win for both people.
Most marriage problems are simply a terrible misunderstanding and the damage happens after the misunderstandings as each person is conditioned to disconnect not just from their partner, but also from themselves.
The result is they misunderstand the real problem conclude the fallout is the problem practice their disconnect for a couple of years and call this the truth.
The problem is because they can’t see past their own perspective people come to me after seeing their partner’s lack of understanding and care and label them abusive, or narcissistic.
I hear these labels banded around every day, of course, people will protect themselves when they have problems that seem impossible to solve especially when so much is at stake.
But their behaviour is not the truth of the marriage it’s the truth of the marital dynamic which is distorted.
In many cases, people are helping their partner become worse and then complaining they are worse they just can’t see it until I point it out.
So the mission is to be able to see the real problem and make a few critical shifts in thinking and this will tell you the truth about your relationship.
I say to most of my clients, the objective is not to blindly fix you, it’s to help you both discover what you are capable of creating once you know how.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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