Why do couples suffer in their marriage?
- Are they the wrong fit?
- Have they naturally grown apart?
- Do they have a problem they can’t get over?
- Do they just misunderstand each other?
What is the real root cause of their suffering?
When helping couples, I believe it’s essential to help them connect to their truth, whatever that is.
Remember, relationships are supposed to help people have a happier life experience.
So to get to that truth, a person’s thinking does need to be understood and challenged.
This is important because too many people are the creators of their own destructive thinking as they incorrectly translate their partners’ words and actions.
This destructive thinking process is a real challenge for that person because it creates a true memory.
Those events they experienced were indeed unpleasant.
People rely on what they experience as their truth, and they can use that memory to predict what the future will hold.
This is the process many people use when considering leaving their marriage their future happiness disappears from sight.
The problem the person doesn’t see is this, what if their translation of these unpleasant events is actually wrong?
I speak to so many people who are 100% convinced their version of events is the truth.
I see their experience as their perception, so there are many possible meanings, not just the one they have chosen to believe.
I have seen people who had spent years incorrectly translating their partner, which brought them to the point of wanting to leave them.
For those people, they avoided a life disaster.
My clients are smart people who will agree you cannot rely on bad data, especially when that bad data will form the basis of the rest of a person’s life.
So the question that must be answered is, what is really broken?
Has the marriage really broken down to the point there is nowhere to go?
Is our lack of understanding of how to correctly translate each other the real problem?
Many people leave their marriage only to discover similar problems in new relationships.
These people may go through a few relationships before realising that their lack of knowledge is their real problem.
One 60-year-old lady had three failed marriages only to discover she translated each one the same incorrect way.
Like anything, when you know how to build a successful connection, it’s easy.
The mistake is thinking we are all born knowing how to achieve this.
Many have this problem: they think keeping a connection alive is simple, and if it becomes difficult or complicated, then clearly, we are incompatible.
Keeping a marriage alive is simple once you know how BUT…
The challenge is becoming aware of what you don’t know you need to know.
For example: How will a couple keep their passion for each other alive if the need for connection is likely to erode that passion over time?
With relationships, it’s always the hidden stuff that causes the most significant problems.