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What Can Relationship Coaching Do For You?

August 21, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

From Judges to Housewives from Business professionals even to an Ex-Vietnam Soldier, I have helped people from all walks of life make the changes they wanted in their lives.

No matter what challenge you are focused on today, or how impossible it may seem, a change for happiness is always possible. If you believe change is not possible then you will make that true as you direct your actions elsewhere and that will always equal failure.

In coaching with me I will show you how to make powerful changes that last.

How does it work

The way that coaching with me works is we will work together to uncover the truth of what is happening in your life and relationship.

This helps us because from a place of honesty we can plan the steps that will get you from where we know you are today to where you really want to be.

We’ll also uncover what you don’t yet know about you and your partner.

You will get to understand why your situation is the way it is today, and what behaviours and decisions created that direction for you.

We will uncover how you work, in other in other words what is the true key to your happiness and what will keep you down in unhappiness. With this knowledge you will know what to avoid that you don‘t know today.

  • This key part of my sessions opens up a world that clients didn’t even know existed about themselves.

Through all of this you will discover how your behaviours affect others and how to change them not only to help you to be happier, but how to create a far deeper connection than ever before with those you love.

How To Create Lasting Changes

As the coaching progresses and your confidence in how you work grows and your fears start to disappear, I will build in powerful leverage so that you will never consider going back to where you were before and the changes we are making in you are lasting.

Powerful emotions the path to results

Coaching with me as many of my past clients will agree brings out powerful emotions, because coaching challenges core belief systems. Your beliefs, values and rules you have set up without knowing is on some level is going to be hurting you.

Crying, laughing, surprise, anger these are all normal responses to coaching with me that are conducted in a safe non-judgemental 100% confidential and controlled environment. These powerful responses are indication that the coaching is working and proves how alive you really are no matter what’s going happening for you.

Clients also in the beginning experience “confusion”, this is also a great sign because a new map in your mind of how you work is being built, and that soon moves to understanding which builds more confidence, self-esteem.

Coaching tools

During your sessions you will be given specific tools that will help you manage yourself away from the coaching sessions, so you will feel confident on demand, and safe in the knowledge that when you leave coaching with me you will always know what decisions will always equal happiness for you.

Why not discover what coaching can do for you NOW, if your life and relationship just isn’t right, there is going to be a reason and a small shift in either you, or you and your partner can make a massive difference to your future.

Remember no action is a choice too, that will always get you nothing or even more of what you have today!

Make a different choice today… Don’t imagine spending the next 5 years like this…

Call me..!

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How To Take Control Of You

August 20, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you want to get control over your life and relationship then this is critical to understand because what you are about to discover will change your future.

Imagine a fast-moving car, and now remove a control such as the steering wheel and watch how the car reacts to the road changing direction with pot-holes, going faster downhill, slower up hill, bashing itself as tries to go around unexpected obstacles, and after a while eventually crashes.

When you consider how irresponsible that situation is because of the danger to others, I want you to now imagine that the people around you, are that out of control car with no way to steer and they are crashing, hurting themselves and others. I know that you have seen or experienced this as people looking for happiness have come in and out of your life and left their mark on you or those you care about.

So if you are not in control of you, what is?

If you are given no way to understand how you work and why, then the world or others will decide your future and who knows what might happen, no one wants to be out of control, but the problem is most people are and they don’t know it.

Moment to moment we are reacting to the world and what’s in it. Every second the world around us changes and our states tend to change with those events.

Our “state” or “how we feel” is our reaction to that world and others, so you might at any given moment experience anger, depression, happiness, anxiousness, relaxed etc.

These feelings are what we call our “states“.

Our state at any given moment is the sum of all our past experiences, our values for living, the rules that govern those values and our beliefs, combined with our physical / chemical health.

So have you noticed that the same situation can create totally different reactions in either yourself or others on different days?

For example you may spill something one day and just clean it up with out a thought, but if you are feeling ill or stressed that same situation will just send you into anger as you feel in that moment the world is against you.

IMPORTANT: What’s important to know is our state is the start of us giving any situation a meaning and our meanings are the start of our decisions and our decisions are what craft our destiny or futures.

So if someone is out of control of how they feel just like the car they live everyday in total reaction to the world. These people will be out of control, but think they are normal and so they create a future that will hurt them, some might end up turning to substances to change their states some may seek help.

  • For example this is why people love drinking so much, in an instant they feel happy and their fears disappear, they will use drink because they don’t yet know how to create the same states themselves without it.

Who is likely to live this way? Most of the population are living this way.

Most people don’t understand even what a value really is, but they have set-up values without knowing.

They also don’t know they have designed rules for those values, they don’t know that they have negative values, again set up without knowing and these are stopping the positive one being met. They don’t understand yet that the order of how they meet their values will change their world dramatically.

And any of you that are in coaching with me will be nodding knowingly that this is just the start.

No sane person I know would agree to step into a car not knowing how the controls work and then expect a 80+ year journey to be crash free.

To make matters worse most people get into this car and don’t know where they want to go either.

Now they are lost and out of control, and this creates states of fear that comes out in may destructive ways some small and hidden and some out there for all to see.

You are on your journey right now, how do you want the rest of it to be?

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Relationship Fears Explained

August 19, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

What fears does your relationship generate for you, and do you know why this happens?

Do you fear abandonment, intimacy, change, rejection. Maybe you fear not being good enough for your partner.

Relationship Fears Explained: Whatever the reason, feeling fears when you want to feel love is frustrating and upsetting and if persistent can actually create the situation that is feared most.

For example if you really think your partner will leave you, you may try to control them, this then creates conditions that are unbearable to live in and so the relationship has no choice but to fail.

The reason our fears feel so powerful is because they are designed to protect us from life threatening situations. So your fears are not being used for what they were designed for and modern day living has distorted our reflex reactions to our world. We feel under threat and so we react.

If your partner does actually leave you, YOU WON’T DIE, you be hurt and feel loss of course, but you will get bored of feeling this way and will probably get on with life and meet someone new. So your life will not come to an end, yet we feel so powerfully that in that moment it will.

This can create depression, panic attacks and anxiety because our life and survival seems at risk.

When we become fearful our natural reaction is to go back to our childhood responses and so we blame others, lash out, scream, cry, or become unreasonable.

This natural reaction is just an immature version of YOU out of control.

The only way to get in control is to understand that your fears are created by you. NO ONE can make you feel anything. If you think they can then you are believing an illusion created by others who are also lost or feel in fear too.

How to create a fear

Before you are  able to react, what you have to do is turn any situation into a meaning. It is the meaning you have given that situation that has created your reaction and therefore it is you that has scared you.

Because you have never been shown a different way to experience the world you automatically feel an emotion and then attach it to the person that triggered you to create that meaning, and now they are “unfairly” in trouble with you.

By understanding that NO ONE actually makes you feel anything puts you back in control of your life, your feelings and your emotions.

This also helps you connect with the real version of you and now your future and relationship will become very different as you live a life and future in safety free of fear this helps you create different decisions.

Different decisions equals different futures. Your true future is depending on you to live fearlessly because if you don’t then your destiny and life changes to be the one you don’t want.

Make a good decision today!

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Pregnant Ex Causes Havoc

August 18, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Dear Stephen

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man.

We both are in our early 40′s. We met through mutual friends at a wedding and have now been together for about 10 months now and have discussed on numerous occasions about moving forward with our future (marriage).

But during these months I was hit with some news that his ex was pregnant for him. They had broken up months before he and I got together but kept getting back together. He explained that about 1 month before we got together they were together. He said that he kept going back to her or allowing her into his life because she was what was familiar.

He then met me and called it quits with her and told her that he wants to develop a relationship with me and wanted to make it work because what they were doing was not good for him or her. And that they should move on with their lives and stop hurting each other.

The ex didn’t take this lightly and has been a nuisance. During this new year she told him that she was pregnant and that the baby is his. The baby has since been born and they are about to take a DNA test because he wants to make sure the baby is his.

She has put a lot of pressure on our relationship. She is constantly confessing her love to him and he has told her that he is not in love with her but will do the right thing by her by taking care of the child, if the baby is his.

My head is in a tailspin with everything going on around me. He has on many occasions reassure me that he wants to be with me, but sometimes I allow my emotions to take total control and say and react in ways I know I shouldn’t, especially since he tries so hard to communicate what is going on.

We are now at a distance in our relationship by allowing this situation to get in the middle of us. We know for a fact that we still have and feel love for each other, but how do we get pass this? How do I deal with this? Because if we do get married how do we deal with this person who vows to make our lives a living hell?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Dear Anonymous

Thank you for you letter to me. This is an unfortunate situation for everyone concerned and it’s so easy to see why you are feeling uncertain about your future.

The DNA test is a great idea and this will help everyone involved to understand what the facts are and that will help you all moving forward.

So if this child is his, then what?

Your first sentence states that you are in a relationship with a wonderful man and regardless of his history with this ex, for you it’s clear, that he is a wonderful man.

He is clearly acting like a strong man for you by doing his best to help you understand that you are the only woman for him he loves only you and the past is the past, you are the one he wants and he will look after you forever.

But all you can see is problems as this threat in the form of his ex sits like a cloud over your new relationship destroying the future you imagined.

I also see that you have said things that you regret due to your emotional state of fear, but you can now see that your behaviour and the stress of the situation is driving a wedge between you both.

Your relationship will always face challenges

As your relationship progresses through the years you will be faced with many challenges, the key to a successful life together is to meet every challenge together as a unified front.

That means you trust each other 100% to always look after each other and together shield and protect your relationship from the outside world no matter what.

The truth about your feelings

I want you to know that it’s not this woman that is causing the problems although I can see that it’s very irritating. The real pain for you sits in the meaning you are giving what this woman is doing and the future this then creates that clearly does not match the future you had designed.

So your pain is being created inside of you, by you… The great news is this means you can control that pain and change it.

The fears your mind is creating and the meaning it is giving those situations are not facts and are therefore NOT true, yet you fear them if they are. If you believe these made-up fears you will create a bigger problem and this is what has started to happen, hence the distance.

Your wonderful man feels that no matter what he says to you, you are still unhappy, whilst he understands your pain, if this continues he will also be in massive pain with himself because his job is to make the world you live in safe and happy.

If he feels he is failing you he will start to see a future with you that is also painful for him and this is why the distance is starting to appear. If you want to change this help your man see that he can be successful at fixing this situation and you trust him to do it.

So my advice is trust this man with all your heart, and show him you trust him to be the man that is capable of  looking after you and the relationship. Once you have this unbreakable level of trust then together decide how you are going to manage this ex, the child if it is his, and your future with them in it.

Work with your wonderful man to create and design an amazing future, one that you can both be happy to live in, this process will remove your future of made-up problems and replace it with a vision of happiness, passion and joy.

Once this ex sees that to both of you she is insignificant, and whatever she does has no effect then she will go away.

Make a good decision today

Make a decision today that you will make your relationship the number one priority no matter, and do this together and every day

Take some quiet time together and make each other a promise, a vow if you like. A commitment to each other and the relationship. Look into each others eyes when you do this, because as he says his words to you, you will see his truth and he will see yours.

At that moment your heart will see the truth and this woman will be no more that an irritating fly that eventually goes away.

Please let us know how you get on.

Warmest regards

Stephen Hedger

  • Do you also have a question for Stephen? If so click here
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Do You Want An Amazing Life & Relationship?

August 17, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you imagine your life in the next 5 years or 10 years, what will it look like?

I know that you know, that if you do nothing different, then the chances are it will be the same as it is today, the only difference is you will be older with more of what you have been practising to have today.

  • Maybe you have been practicing how to not trust your partner, or even yourself.
  • Maybe you have been practising being your partners judge
  • Maybe you have been practising worrying that you will never be enough for your partner.
  • Maybe you have practised being depressed, or stressed
  • Maybe you have practised overeating, or smoking, or drinking
  • Maybe you have practised being unhappy for no reason

Whatever you have been practising the chances are, you will be really good at it, the question is, is this what you really want? Or is now the time for a change?

Relationship Joy or Hell

Imagine your relationship the same as it is today in 5 or 10 years time, what does that feel like? Can your see it now? What does it make you think?

  • If you have an amazing relationship today how will you keep that intensity going? Just through our need for variety how can you keep this level of attraction going?
  • If you have relationship full of problems and you do nothing what do you think the next five years will be like, let alone ten?

Many people are very happy to live in fear of their future, but very few are happy to plan it, craft it or take control. This is because they are under the illusion that they have no control over their future, so of course they will never do anything except wait for problems to hit them and hope that it will be ok…

You are now 80 years old…

Let’s take this from a different perspective, imagine you are 80 years old and you are looking back on your life, what life do you want to look back on.

What will you regret if you don’t take action on today?

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Relationship Help & Advice Index

August 16, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

For the benefit of those of you who have just joined, below are posts from the last few weeks that could be the one thing that will trigger a change in you to see your life and relationship differently.

To your success

Stephen Hedger

Relationship Coach

Any questions please don’t hesitate in asking.

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How To Cope With A Break-up

August 15, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

If you are suffering from the effects of a relationship split and want to know how to cope with a break-up then this may help you.  At the end of this piece I have a quick tip on how to control your feelings.

Most break-ups happen due to confusion of what the individuals are feeling and what it really means. They feel bad, attach those feelings to the relationships and so the relationship dies.

Many people who have asked for a divorce have regretted it later, because the feeling they attach to the relationships goes away when they are apart, and they are left with no good reason to be apart, unfortunately most of the time it’s too late.

Understanding your break-up

Those that come to me through coaching on how to cope with break-ups, get to understand in detail, why their break-up happened and this helps them to understand if the break-up happened for the right or wrong reasons.

This empowers them to know what actions to take. Could be to fix the relationship they were in, or walk away sound in the knowledge that what happened, happened for good reason.

Having said all this logical stuff, that still leaves you with feelings that are probably making you feel bad.

Understanding why you feel bad

These feeling are as a direct result of where your mind is focused.

What no one ever teaches us is that we can direct our mind to something else. The reason we don’t believe this is because not only is our reaction automatic, but if you have ever tried to get rid of a bad feeling it always comes back.

This happens because you are conditioned to focus on everything that is bad, society has taught you how to do this. What society has not taught you is there is another choice, and you can choose what to feel.

Removing the break up pain tip

The fact is this, not being with your ex-partner is not what you are upset about, even though you think it is, it’s the focus you have put on that break up and the meaning you have given to it is what‘s causing you pain.

So are you focused on all the past memories, or the future you designed, or maybe both?

With practice you can learn how to focus your mind to more pleasurable things by making the break-up a good thing.

  • Please note: Before you do this please be 100% sure you want this person out of your life.

Make a list of everything that was not right with your ex-relationship and with each thing you find really focus on how bad each thing was and how over time it would have become 100 times worse as they became used to you. Notice if this happened how miserable you would have been and keep their face in your mind as you imagine this life of growing hell year after year after year.

When you have completed your list then write about all the great opportunities you now have that being with your ex stopped you doing.

Now start to design the life you really want, and this time keep your focus on who you have to be, to be able to attract the person you really want.

Important: This is your chance…

And now show yourself gratitude for giving yourself a real chance of being really happy with someone who will stop at nothing to make sure you are 100% secure in the relationship, someone who will give your relationship passion, adventure and fun, whilst making you the most important thing in their world.

They will show you a love you have never felt before and they will serve your relationship tirelessly to help it and you grow into the person you have always wanted to be, constantly giving to you and never asking for anything in return.

They will do this because they know this is the only route to unconditional love the one thing you have always dreams of and thought you were only safe to have with your children.

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My Greatest Pleasure

August 14, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

One of the greatest pleasures I have in coaching people through their problems is knowing that what I do is having a massive impact on their lives.

One lady who came to me a few weeks ago was having real problems with her life and relationship, but before we could focus on her relationship I had to start by helping her to build up her confidence in herself, by understanding how she works in detail.

We did this so she could know the journey she took to get to where she was a few weeks back. With this new understanding of how she works she is now empowered to take back control of her life direction which has now freed her to be happy to get the life she really wants.

She was shocked to discover that she had been holding on to a part of her past that had held her back for 35 years without her even knowing.

This is what she said…

For obvious reasons she wanted to remain anonymous.

I first came to see Stephen feeling extremely low and lost, Stephen in a couple of weeks has shown me that by changing my minds state I can free myself of the fear i have been carrying around with me for nearly 35 years, I am now starting for the first time in my life to see things differently, I thought I was a hard nut to crack and there was no hope for me, Stephan has been Kind, Sincere and Honest and I would not hesitate to recommend him anyone.
Anon South London


Anyone can make a big change just like this lady. Problems are never permanent, and with the right focus a new world can be opened up and a new energy can be directed into the life you really want.

  • The only thing standing between a life and relationship you really want, is you
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Is A Fear Pattern Destroying Your Life?

August 13, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

The biggest relationship pattern we run is a fear pattern. Yesterday we discovered how we can set up patterns of behaviour with knowing. Fear patterns in our relationships can happen in the same way, but with devastating results.

The fear we create in our mind is the question that means the end of our relationship.

That question is this:

Will I be enough… for him or her?

This big fear pattern is at play in many areas of people lives. Will I be a good enough mother, father, boss, employee, son, daughter, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend.

When this fear pattern is generated in a relationship this then changes a persons behaviours, they could decide:

  • To give-up or run, because its hopeless, they will never be enough.
  • To control their  partner so they can’t make them fearful anymore.
  • Try to put their partner down, so they come down to their level of fear too.

And there are many more… This will create lot of irrational behaviours, crying, shouting, happy one day, sad the next, depression, anxiety. Making up things you said when you didn’t, making you responsible for all that’s wrong in the world…

Decisions in fear states equals disaster

Unfortunately when someone makes a decision from a state of fear, the decisions are usually poor destructive decisions that help to generate the thing they fear most…and so their partner does leave them.

If a relationship is to survive and become one full of unconditional love this fear has to be understood and removed / changed.

Are you running this fear pattern, do you think your partner is running this pattern?

The fear will feel very real, but in most cases is not true, their pattern was set-up for a good reason, but it is very likely to be running today for all the wrong reasons.

Remember if you create a fear in you, and give it to your partner, what you do is then create a fear in them and now the irrational chaos is doubled.

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Relationship Patterns of Behaviour

August 12, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Are you aware of your relationship patterns of behaviour? Have you noticed that we all have all setup patterns in our lives without knowing?

For example

  • Which shoe do you always put on first, left one or the right one?
  • When you brush your teeth, where do you always start, left or right, top or bottom?

These are just two simple patterns that you will always do. You set them up without knowing and for years you run this pattern without thinking or knowing. You have actually set-up thousands of patterns in response to your world and your perception of it.

Do you know someone that is always angry, or always depressed, or always stressed? What pattern are they running?

When you put pressure on these people what comes out is the pattern that they have put into themselves, these people have a pattern of learnt helplessness, because they feel that it is out of their control. No one has told them what they are feeling can be changed all they have to do is change their focus.

They feel that the world, something or someone is controlling how they feel. A depressed person will look for everything that’s wrong in their life and this is their focus, it’s this pattern that keeps their depression alive.

If anyone spent hours looking for everything that’s wrong with their  life, if they spoke slowly in a monotone voice, head down looking at the floor, physically moving slowly whilst running a movie in their mind of how awful their life is and with a belief that life will always be this way, wouldn’t ANYONE be depressed?

Life events don’t cause us to have feeling of depression, it’s the meanings we give to these life events. If we believe that there is only one way to experience that event then we’ll feel helpless. Of course there is hundreds of ways to experience any situation.

Angry people, stress people, sad people, they all run patterns to keep them in this place.

What patterns are you running in your relationship? Tomorrow I will expand on this topic so you will start to understand what might be going on in your relationship.

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