Dear Stephen
I am in a relationship with a wonderful man.
We both are in our early 40’s. We met through mutual friends at a wedding and have now been together for about 10 months now and have discussed on numerous occasions about moving forward with our future (marriage).
But during these months I was hit with some news that his ex was pregnant for him. They had broken up months before he and I got together but kept getting back together. He explained that about 1 month before we got together they were together. He said that he kept going back to her or allowing her into his life because she was what was familiar.
He then met me and called it quits with her and told her that he wants to develop a relationship with me and wanted to make it work because what they were doing was not good for him or her. And that they should move on with their lives and stop hurting each other.
The ex didn’t take this lightly and has been a nuisance. During this new year she told him that she was pregnant and that the baby is his. The baby has since been born and they are about to take a DNA test because he wants to make sure the baby is his.
She has put a lot of pressure on our relationship. She is constantly confessing her love to him and he has told her that he is not in love with her but will do the right thing by her by taking care of the child, if the baby is his.
My head is in a tailspin with everything going on around me. He has on many occasions reassure me that he wants to be with me, but sometimes I allow my emotions to take total control and say and react in ways I know I shouldn’t, especially since he tries so hard to communicate what is going on.
We are now at a distance in our relationship by allowing this situation to get in the middle of us. We know for a fact that we still have and feel love for each other, but how do we get pass this? How do I deal with this? Because if we do get married how do we deal with this person who vows to make our lives a living hell?
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Dear Anonymous
Thank you for you letter to me. This is an unfortunate situation for everyone concerned and it’s so easy to see why you are feeling uncertain about your future.
The DNA test is a great idea and this will help everyone involved to understand what the facts are and that will help you all moving forward.
So if this child is his, then what?
Your first sentence states that you are in a relationship with a wonderful man and regardless of his history with this ex, for you it’s clear, that he is a wonderful man.
He is clearly acting like a strong man for you by doing his best to help you understand that you are the only woman for him he loves only you and the past is the past, you are the one he wants and he will look after you forever.
But all you can see is problems as this threat in the form of his ex sits like a cloud over your new relationship destroying the future you imagined.
I also see that you have said things that you regret due to your emotional state of fear, but you can now see that your behaviour and the stress of the situation is driving a wedge between you both.
Your relationship will always face challenges
As your relationship progresses through the years you will be faced with many challenges, the key to a successful life together is to meet every challenge together as a unified front.
That means you trust each other 100% to always look after each other and together shield and protect your relationship from the outside world no matter what.
The truth about your feelings
I want you to know that it’s not this woman that is causing the problems although I can see that it’s very irritating. The real pain for you sits in the meaning you are giving what this woman is doing and the future this then creates that clearly does not match the future you had designed.
So your pain is being created inside of you, by you… The great news is this means you can control that pain and change it.
The fears your mind is creating and the meaning it is giving those situations are not facts and are therefore NOT true, yet you fear them if they are. If you believe these made-up fears you will create a bigger problem and this is what has started to happen, hence the distance.
Your wonderful man feels that no matter what he says to you, you are still unhappy, whilst he understands your pain, if this continues he will also be in massive pain with himself because his job is to make the world you live in safe and happy.
If he feels he is failing you he will start to see a future with you that is also painful for him and this is why the distance is starting to appear. If you want to change this help your man see that he can be successful at fixing this situation and you trust him to do it.
So my advice is trust this man with all your heart, and show him you trust him to be the man that is capable of looking after you and the relationship. Once you have this unbreakable level of trust then together decide how you are going to manage this ex, the child if it is his, and your future with them in it.
Work with your wonderful man to create and design an amazing future, one that you can both be happy to live in, this process will remove your future of made-up problems and replace it with a vision of happiness, passion and joy.
Once this ex sees that to both of you she is insignificant, and whatever she does has no effect then she will go away.
Make a good decision today
Make a decision today that you will make your relationship the number one priority no matter, and do this together and every day
Take some quiet time together and make each other a promise, a vow if you like. A commitment to each other and the relationship. Look into each others eyes when you do this, because as he says his words to you, you will see his truth and he will see yours.
At that moment your heart will see the truth and this woman will be no more that an irritating fly that eventually goes away.
Please let us know how you get on.
Warmest regards
Stephen Hedger
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