So I asked this gentleman to help me with two scenarios.
The first scenario was his wife was in the home upset shouting bad words at him.
I asked him how he might respond.
He said he would probably become defensive, shout back, and be equally upset with her.
I then presented the next scenario.
You’re out walking and your wife has been injured due to a bad fall you try to move her, as you do she shouts bad words at you. I told him these are the same bad words she said at home in scenario one.
He said I would ignore her aggressive words and look after her.
I then said.
So to be clear it’s not the bad words at volume you have a problem with, it’s the meaning you put to each situation that will change how you feel and then respond.
The pain from her fall you can understand, and justify so it will lead you to care for her.
You just can’t understand or justify the shouting bad words at home so you defend yourself from her.
So it isn’t what she is saying that is the problem it’s the meaning you put to what she is saying is the problem?
After all you are the one judging each situation and choosing your reaction.
What if her emotional pain at home for her is worse than her physical pain from a fall?
What if the bad words at home are a cry for help, what if they are designed to wake you up to her suffering.
What if you would never understand her emotional pain because you are not her, does that pain matter to you?
Or will you only love and care for her if it’s pain you can understand and justify?
I could see the penny dropped in his eyes.
Men and women will not have the same emotional responses and so unless understood they are constantly misaligned emotionally.
This creates problems that lead to pain and long-term suffering.
Both men and women can suffer from the problem of needing to judge what is a justifiable upset
Couples that have mastered their connection are not initially focused on why their partners’ upset is present.
They simply care that the partner they love is in pain and that’s what matters initially.
What caused the pain can be the next step once that care is felt/shared.