I have lost count of the number of times couples come to me because, either at home or with some forms of professional help, they find themselves in The Blame Game Trap.
Couples in this trap usually find all they achieve is more frustration, more disconnection, more pain and suffering.
So, in their quest to share their truth and make a change, the only change coming is likely to be the one they don’t want.
The Blame Game Trap takes many forms. I will illustrate a few common ones below.
There is the version where one person shares their upsetting truth, and instead of feeling heard, the other person says well, what about what you did?
Another version is where one person may bring an accusation, and their partner is then triggered to defend themselves.
Then, there is the mirror model, where both are attacking and blaming the other.
Then, there is the attack and emotional withdrawal model, both blaming but using different power plays.
Other people get creative by instantly creating problems that are far bigger than the problem presented as a means to deflect and defend.
What you will notice with all these common models is there are two basic elements that will cause any couple to struggle and suffer with each other.
These are weapons and shields. If either person is using these, there will always be problems.
The reason the blame weapon is not helpful is because the person blaming is instantly out of control the moment they start to blame.
You see, once you blame someone, you will have to wait for them to change, and that change is unlikely.
When blamed, most are triggered to defend, so it’s an inefficient way to be heard.
You see, the only model that works is a win-win model.
The foundation of blaming is judging.
Judging a partner questions their intent, and this process kills their connection.
Plus, judging isn’t loving, so it’s not going to bring the best out of a partner or make them want to change.
You see, the skill of relationship building is in making a choice.
Am I going to choose to make things better or worse?
Most live in a punishment model. It’s how they were brought up. They feel that punishing creates change.
What I see over and over is punishing simply grows resentment.
The skill that needs to be learnt is the process of bringing an energy that allows our partners to want to be better.
By making the change, they make their decision, is the only way the change will last.
You simply can’t be your partner’s coach, parent or judge on any level, and it works out well.
When a person only has a skill to trigger their partner to become worse, that is never going to create an outcome either person will like.
Some learn this and decide to say nothing, and that never works either.
Plus, it’s a terrible model for their children to learn.
Blaming is very simply the process of creating bad feelings in the person you want to change whilst losing control of them, too.
Blaming is the same as revenge – dig two graves!
If relationships are important to you and you want to be in one long-term successfully, then you must never use this destructive pattern to create change.
Just know there is a better way – a better way to help someone become addicted to wanting to love you, support you and hear you.