One of the common problems of long-term marriages is loss of attraction. Both men and women experience this problem and are unsure what to do or what it means about their marriage, especially if the lack of attraction is prolonged.
Their behaviour in this place tends to lead them into a process of disconnect, which, for many, can lead to the end of the marriage.
So, what is at the root of this attraction-killing problem?
The biggest problem is that people are unaware that they have to do anything. If they wake up to the fact they do need to do something, they are lost as to what that might be.
You see, attraction has a foundation in long-term relationships. In its simplest form, when pleasure is high, and resentments are low, attraction is a much easier energy to engage.
When resentments have been stacked, attraction and love become significantly more difficult to access because how can I love someone whom I need to protect myself from?
Resentments stacked over time tend to lead to either emotional shutdown or contempt.
You see, for attraction to stay alive, a person has to love/like how they feel about themselves when they are with their partner.
One of the leading problems for loss of attraction for long-term couples is the lack of an emotional foundation built year after year. Build your emotional connection on quicksand and watch the emotional security die.
Interestingly, age or time together has a very small impact on the depth of this critical foundation. I have people in their 70s having affairs, risking it all because their level of connection isn’t deep enough to feel the risk.
One 71-year-old gentleman said he had been married to his wife since he was 23. He said it’s been a long time together, and I know my wife very well, but until I did this course, I quickly realised I never really knew her.
Before the course, he could only see his wife from his own perspective. He never knew the world she lived in was so very different from his.
Only seeing one’s own perspective can lead a person into self-protection, which is the next focus that disables foundational growth and results in loss of attraction.
Self-protection is a cast iron way to kill attraction. It really is relationship cancer. It disables their foundation to grow. Whether a person is attacking or defending this practice, it will kill the ability for these foundations to grow, and so attraction will die.
Their practice of self-protection will then lead to a cascade of foundational problems.
The first foundational problem couples experience is their “critical needs” are not being met in the relationship, and critical means critical.
So, if a critical need isn’t met in the marriage, then that need will still need to be met somewhere or somehow.
Most couples are unaware of these needs and how each person is very different. This can cause a battle as each person is convinced their need is right and their partner’s need is wrong.
For example, one person may think taking risks is normal and healthy, while the other may be risk-averse. One person may like to live in certainty, while the other may like spontaneity. One person may like the world to revolve around them, while the other is a selfless giver or pleaser.
You’ll notice in that short list above that critical needs can be met in constructive or destructive ways, which adds to the complexity of the problem and is the root of many addictions to a behaviour.
A person’s needs have a direct relationship with a person’s character, this is “the self” they bring to the world.
So the next focus is a person’s connection with themselves. A disconnected person can either behave in unattractive ways or can feel unattractive due to their own disconnect with themselves.
Stress, depression, and anxiety are typical signs of disconnect, but a person can adopt the wrong identity in marriage and misrepresent who they are, weakening their foundations.
Identities are powerful, and many people are running the wrong identities in their marriages. Most use a success identity gained in another part of their lives and they use this to run the marriage with disastrous results.
You see, there is a massive difference between the identity of a parent and a lover or a CEO and a husband or wife. Running the wrong identity can cause the connection and the attraction to die.
Communication models can also cause significant problems because masculine and feminine will communicate in very different ways and, for different reasons, confusing each other.
The complexity of communication between masculine and feminine isn’t about listening or talking; the key to understanding is comprehension. If comprehension is wrong, the meaning will be distorted and disconnected from the person’s original intent.
This will lead a couple to bicker, as each person expects the other to see their perspective. Of course, this will never happen without help.
To compound this problem, a naturally feminine person may have adopted a masculine energy to protect themselves, thus affecting their relationship with themselves and what they bring to the relationship.
Losing a connection to your core energy, whether that’s masculine or feminine on it’s own will kill attraction.
Couples in this space are not usually good at being friends. They won’t have a future they are excited to step into, and when they have conflict, it doesn’t bring them closer.
When you explore these areas in the Marriage Breakthrough Program, you will notice that they are all related to each other, which will profoundly affect the relationship and the couple’s ability to keep the attraction alive in the long term.
The essence of keeping your relationship attraction alive happens by understanding a few very powerful strategies and tools.
So, whether you want a better connection or want to learn what it takes to get out of a crisis, these skills are critical to understand.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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