What is your partner really trying to tell you?
The biggest struggle with couples’ communication is in their ability to accurately comprehend the meanings their partner is trying to share.
When I speak what do you hear?
What meanings are you really putting to my words when I speak to you?
Comprehension is a very common problem and not getting this right can cause couples so many serious problems.
I remember a lady in a session listened to what I said and she converted what I said into her own interpretation and meanings.
Her meaning was not at all connected to what I was actually saying to her.
The problem she created was she didn’t like her own interpretation and so she then blamed me for making her feel bad.
She did this not seeing it was her own thoughts and her own meanings that made her feel bad.
This was one of the destructive patterns that were destroying their relationship and they were both getting this wrong.
She wasn’t aware she was doing this until I pointed it out.
What no one tells us is the language patterns in day-to-day life are totally different to the ones in intimate relationships.
The reason they are different is because in an intimate relationship the objectives of each person are different to every other relationship.
Plus what we are not told is men and women speak for very different reasons.
In business men and women mostly speak the same language.
But emotionally men and women don’t speak for the same reasons and this causes terrible comprehension problems for couples.
The skill of successful relationships is being able to see past their words and connect to what they are trying to achieve rather than what they actually say.
For example if a women is upset with her husband, is she trying to make a point or is she wanting her husband to care she is unhappy?
Communication is a critical foundation and so not being heard in a marriage helps the person to feel alone and some end up feeling they are not enough.
I cannot stress strongly enough men and women speak different languages.
Just because the individuals words make sense it doesn’t mean you’ll understand the meaning behind their sentence.
To make matters worse even the person doing the talking may not understand the objective behind their own words.
This is because some communication comes from natural gender specific patterns.
This takes a deeper understanding of what the words are for as understanding this enables couples to connect to emotional security and emotional connection.
When 1000s of men tell me they all have the same communication problem with their wife.
When 1000s of women tell me the same.
The gap is clear, each gender is having the same challenge so the problem is actually a natural disconnect not a sign of incompatibility.
So like any new language it has to be learnt.