A husband has a few sessions with me the wife joins the process and says what did you do he has totally changed.
How does this happen? To many this is impossible, but I see it every day because I switched the model.
The reason each person is able to make significant changes in their connection so quickly is because there is a process for bringing the best out in both people so it lasts.
You see human behaviour in relationships is totally predictable, but no one is seeing it.
When you can second guess what will happen next, you can take a confident step towards effective connections.
Most people are not seeing this predictability because they are so focused on their own perspectives and what they are not getting so they are not seeing the whole picture or the impact they are having.
I sit in many initial consultations and watch each person bring the worst out in the other in their quest to get through or get their partner to see their side.
Some are vocal whilst others retreat, some just war, and others have a dynamic where they both retreat.
These are the behaviours I have to help them stop.
So what is going on?
So if a man looks at his wife’s behaviour he will judge her as if she is a man he won’t know he is doing this but being a man is his only reference for life and right and wrong.
For many men, he will say she is badly behaved and if she were a man that would be true, but she isn’t.
She of course will be practising the same problem not connected to the simple fact he isn’t a woman so would never naturally behave or understand what she wants the way she wants.
It’s why so many struggle to keep their connection alive they are never aligned with what’s important to each other and both blame the other for being the problem.
They are both the problem because they only have one perspective, people are so patterned into this dynamic that even when I share this knowledge they can’t help themselves they will still carry on the madness.
This is why I have to go deeper with each person so they can understand what is sabotaging their ability to align and be of value to themselves and the relationship.
I’m looking to help each person develop in three core areas.
- Their Beliefs
- Their Character
- Their Skills
Their Beliefs
With only one perspective and months and sometimes years of problems each person will have developed a self-limiting belief about the relationship and their partner.
This is usually full of resentment stacking, self-protection, blaming demanding all the models that guarantee to make the situation worse.
They have to understand the beliefs that will sabotage their chances and replace them with ones that work.
To change those beliefs they will need to understand the reason why their partner is so different. Why do they respond the way they do?
Most importantly they have to understand that beliefs are not facts, beliefs are simply an emotional perspective.
So two people can agree an event took place, but each person can have a very different emotional attachment to that same event.
Avoiding beliefs that limit us is critical. Relationships are full of limiting beliefs because each person only has their own perspective to rely on and with only one perspective they will without question be a part of the problem.
Their Character
I then help each person to become accountable to themselves.
You see how can a person ever be effective and valuable in a relationship if they can never commit to themselves?
The people most out of control of the relationship are also out of control of themselves they go hand in hand.
Many people through limiting belief systems and ineffective skills are needing their partner to perform in a certain way so they are emotionally okay.
The result is when their partner doesn’t perform the way they want they lose connection to themselves and start a negative process of blaming, demanding and judging.
This is guaranteed to collapse the connection with themselves and their partner.
They are simply not seeing why what they are doing is making them feel so bad all they can see is what their partner is not doing.
People tend to have a model of being the worst of themselves when their relationship experiences problems.
The question that very few are looking to answer is this.
How do I act with integrity when those around me are acting so badly to me?
Their skills
That last question leads me on to the skills required to be an effective partner.
Without the correct belief system and inability to act with integrity each person will always struggle.
How many times do I hear people admit they are nicer to strangers than they are to their own partners?
To be in this place it tells me they are lacking the necessary skills to bring out the best in themselves and their partner and that’s a problem that won’t go away without help.
If a person creates behaviour and their partner isn’t responding the way they want then what they are doing is ineffective.
If they then get upset because their partner hasn’t responded well they are now becoming a problem for themselves and the relationship and we are back to low-level behaviours like demanding, judging and blaming.
So people who are out of control of their relationship and themselves are in a never-ending emotional cycle drifting between anger, frustration to sadness and back to anger and frustration.
This is why people need new skills, new beliefs and ways new ways to keep who they are alive in their relationship.
The Framework for Success
These 3 shifts enable each person to be able to navigate the framework I spoke about yesterday of how to be successful.
Developing these three critical skills allows each person to navigate their relationship using the new framework as a map of what to do no matter what is happening.
So when the inevitable problem shows up and your partner is responding in a way that’s confusing or odd, the new framework will help you to know how to respond so you can be of value to yourself and them.
This is important to create alignment without judgment or expectation.
This way each person is free to become all of who they are and they are still loved.
This enables the process of pleasure to stack and resentments to naturally reduce.
Understanding this new framework is a game changer for couples who are struggling because everyone wins.
There are no losers when practised effectively.
So my question to you either as a couple or on your own do you want to learn today what it really takes?
Have you now had enough of going round in circles?
If your partner doesn’t want to take part then take charge and do it alone.