Thank you for all of your questions regarding your relationships problems. One of the questions that kept coming up was about how to change your partner.
Many relationship experts would frown at this question because trying to change someone to be who you want them to be so you can be happy smacks of controlling behaviourâ€¦howeverâ€¦
As you go about your daily life you know that there is many versions of you created by differing life conditions. So an individual may notice that their partner has changed and just wants the old them back and this is wanting change for good reasons.
For example: A woman married with children and has a career creates very different versions of herself to cope with everyday life conditions and so she changes to get the best out of all the situations she finds herself in. She can shift from mummy to best friend to important business decisions to sex with her husband all in one day. All of those scenarios require a very different versions of her to make that happen.
When a change happens where she feels out of control she can become fearful and so now she will go into a fearful version of herself.
Example: Letâ€™s say she fears her relationship failing, this changes her even more, and so each of her normal life conditions (work, parent, daughter, friend, wife) now feel very different to her so therefore her behaviours start to change. Inside her she will start to see the world differently and she feels that everything feels wrong.
If she stays worried or fearful for a long time what can happen is she can become stuck in this distorted version of herself without knowing and without a clue of how to shift it.
So when her partner talks about wanting her to change what he really wants is for her to get back to the happy version of her which will be good for her and obviously for him.
The problem happens when one person goes into a fear state the other can follow confused as to whatâ€™s going on. This can happen to men and women equally.
The best way to change your partner to be happy again is to be the best partner you can be. Love and support them though their problems and donâ€™t follow them into a place of fear where if practised for long enough you can both become very good at it and be constantly on red alert for problems.