Today’s post is about what men are telling me every day that helps them to want to leave her. In many cases, she has no idea this is how he feels.
A trend I see every day is a husband comes into a session lost, resigned, hopeless and resentful.
He tells me she is so negative, he is constantly told how bad he is and what he does wrong, so he ends up feeling no matter what he does, or what decision he makes he feels like he is failing.
I asked a gentleman this week who started off wanting to fix his marriage, why did he change his mind and end it.
He said the moment he felt she would never trust him he shut the marriage down instantly – no going back from his perspective.
This point is so important to understand. When men feel they are not trusted or she has lost belief in him they will start to detach as he will see the future as hopeless.
For many men, this point in their relationship equals the mission is finished.
This is the danger point for women who are not understanding their men, even the most compliant men that will do anything for her, can at some point change without notice.
I have seen a vicar married for twenty years the perfect model citizen a family man, suddenly switching identities, he starts drinking, going to strip clubs and picking up girls.
Shocked everyone, including himself…
Everyone has a tipping point which is why it’s so important to understand how behaviours today will affect the future.
What women tend to do (I know I’m generalising, but I’m talking about the trends I see first-hand) is they teach him where he is going wrong, but rarely tell him how to get it right.
So why do I see this trend so often?
Many women tell me they expect him to know her.
This process paralyses men, especially the good ones who really love her.
Some women do know some of what she wants, but in my experience, she doesn’t know the most important parts of what she really needs and this is the real problem.
So with what she knows she wants, many women tell me they wait to see if he acts in the way she thinks he should – one lady did this with a birthday gift he got the wrong gift, she became upset and the bickering started.
The moment he fails, she blamed him for not performing the way she expected.
This process is simply setting him up to fail and is perfect if you want him to give up.
This experience is why many men always let her do things her way, it’s easier, but then she complains he never books or organises anything – he has no way to win.
If he loves her he will suffer.
If he suffers for too long he’ll plan an exit in some way.
In the end, many men dare-not make a decision, he knows he’ll get it wrong, and this whole process kills his confidence.
Many end up treading on eggshells feeling better at work, as it’s safer! So that’s his new home!
Some women tell me all he does is work unaware she is one of the reasons why!
So please hear me setting him up to fail is not a loving act and a perfect way to kill his desire to learn and understand her.
The mission all women need to be on is to learn how to get the best out of him so he is inspired to learn more about her.
Men who feel she isn’t interested in understanding him will not be interested in learning about her.
One couple came into a session.
He said, “My wife is unhappy and I don’t know why!” He loved her and was suffering.
He said “She told me she was unhappy a few months back so I asked her to give me a list of the things I could do to help her. She gave me the list and I did everything on the list”
He turned to her, “…did I do everything you asked for?”
She nodded and said, “…yes he did!”
“So why is she still not happy?” “I’m totally lost, it’s like the impossible puzzle!”
This is a common problem where all the man wants to know is how to fix the situation and all she can tell him is what doesn’t work.
The most common reason she doesn’t tell him what to do is she doesn’t know!
All she knows is moment-to-moment what she feels and if she doesn’t feel what she needs, she will be honest about her feelings at that moment.
Working with another couple I said to this lady in a session “you want your husband to understand you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“How is he going to achieve that? If you are honest with yourself you don’t understand yourself some of the time?”
She paused and nodded “that’s true!”
“How will he understand you if you don’t?”
“Plus he has never been a woman? This means he doesn’t naturally know what you need and why!”
The why you need it a certain way is critical for men because men look to understand before they take action, no understanding no action.
I went on “Plus how will he understand you and what you need, if you don’t teach him..?”
“…AND how can you teach him, if you also don’t know?”
“Do you see his problem?”
Men are lost because naturally, they have no idea what she needs and why, and none of this will ever descend no matter how smart he is.
If she keeps teaching him what not to do all he will learn is how he is failing with her and that will eventually help him out of the door and for some into the arms of another.
She can keep leaving him hints at what she needs, he doesn’t hear hints so this won’t work for most men.
She can kick him, but he will eventually run either physically (leave her) or emotionally (detach and start to not care).
I remember this one lady who was dating this guy, she told me a story where he turned up late and she gave him such a hard time, in response, he went very quiet.
I said to her “don’t you like him?”
“Yes of course I like him, but he kept me waiting on my own?” she said.
“I asked don’t you like him? because you think you are teaching him to never be late but what you are really teaching him is to never turn up again!”
She looked shocked.
“You are upset because he isn’t understanding you and what you need, is that correct?”
“Yes,” she said, “he needs to respect me!”
“The way you are trying to correct him will never work, but it proves to him you also have no understanding of him which ironically is why you are upset with him.”
“For a quiet life, he didn’t respond, but he is watching you and is putting your behaviours in his future to see if you have one.”
She must learn herself before she can teach him
My message today is women who want men to love them the way they want, is they have to know themselves and what they need first, only then can they learn how to help their partners succeed with them.
You can kick him and he may come back, but how many times do you have left until he goes?
He may still be there, but emotionally he may become detached, compliant but secretive.
I met one man who woke up one day kissed his wife on the cheek and never came back, he never said a word. Men tend not to speak if he sees that problems are impossible to fix.
Kicking, blaming, criticising, and demanding is not the way to get the best out of him, you may see this as sharing, but I promise he doesn’t.
Men don’t respond well to negativity and they hate having to defend themselves.
He can’t bear being talked over, or when she repeats the same thing over and over.
Controlling a man is absolutely not the way to get the best out of him.
In fact, the biggest thing I see women kill in a man is his freedom to be who he really is and this kills the energy that attracted her in the first place.
So if you want an amazing husband then becoming the amazing wife that helps him be successful with you is the only way to succeed.
- Women possess some of the most powerful energies on the planet and very few use them.
- Women have amazing qualities and gifts that men love and will do anything for, but many hide them away.
- Women have the ability to move a man in seconds the moment she brings the right energy to him.
I ask so many women what is the most attractive quality in a woman for a man and not one woman I have met knows the answer.
If you are a woman looking for help with this, the focus has to be on understanding what you are trying to connect to within yourself that helps you find your husband attractive.
Once you know this you can start to help him, but to help him effectively you must understand what to say so he hears what you say is important.
Women tend to communicate with men in a way they will ignore.
Men are not like women in any shape or form so when she expects something a certain way because to her it’s obvious she is simply showing her lack of understanding.
She said he lacks empathy, but how can he connect to her this way when he has no understanding of her world? He is different and is supposed to be.
Saving marriages from divorce, and improving marriages don’t need both people.
Once one person understands how to influence change, then the other person will in reaction (which is behaviour without thought) have no choice, but to respond differently.
Understanding what you are dealing with is the first step for those wanting a connection that makes sense.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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