Master Skill Six is critical and it is probably the most consistently under used skill that couples need to master fast if their relationship is to stand a chance.
I want you to first imagine two children a boy (Andrew) and a girl (Sarah), in the future they are destined to meet, fall in love and get married.
BUT their journey to the point of meeting was a very different experience.
Andrew was brought up in a family that was full of anger and resentment. His father was submissive, he worked hard as a carpenter, but at home Andrews mother was the strong one and ruled the family. It was a very strict environment
Sarah had a very different childhood, her parents were loving giving and they focused all their time on traveling as much as they could with their children even at a young age. Freedom, love and peace was their focus.
As you can see, the way these two children would have had to cope with their lives and their expectation of how life should be would be totally different. Without knowing they carry this template into their adult life.
This is the first big hurdle any couple faces, it is the question that sits in the couple without the couple knowing. How should life be?
- BTW: How life should be = Home, security, warmth etc…
Home for Andrew and Sarah is going to be a very different place and so as the relationship progresses as each strives to create what they consider to be home, problems start to appear.
Everything from dealing with conflicts to how to live starts to feel wrong to them both. Sarah is shocked at how fast Andrew goes into a rage and then shuts down not speaking to her for days.
Andrew can’t understand Sarah’s desire to see the world and why she doesn’t show she cares by arguing back with him. Maybe he can’t trust her? Maybe she can’t trust him?
What this couple has clearly not discussed is their plan of the life they both desire. Yes most people agree that they want to get married have children, but the plan usually stops there!
Understanding and sharing your vision of how you see the future is critical. What I mean is not to just share the vision, but physically create a plan together so that every important area in your life is covered.
- Conflicts: How do you both want to deal with conflicts?
- Money: How much do you both want, what do you want it for?
- Children: How many do you want, how will you bring them up?
- Understand you differences: How will your childhoods create possible differences?
- What about friends and family careers how does all this fit in. What are your dreams? Does your own personal plan conflict with the plan of the relationship?
A relationship that has the best chance of lasting and being passionate is one that has a shared vision and purpose. Differing backgrounds are a challenge, but what’s really important is having shared goals so you can be a team working together on an adventure through life.
Without that shared vision a couple will become stale and full of resentment…. a couple that used to love each other, but now just lives together finding other ways to get their needs met because the relationship no longer does.
Sadly many relationships head in this direction as the couple blindly assume that the passion they have will last forever and all they have to do is nothing.
They then wonder how and why did it all go so wrong? If you have been reading these master skill you are probably starting to get a clear picture of how easy it is to get it wrong and run away from your relationship assuming that the relationship is the problem.
Yes some people are just not meant to be together, but many that split up are doing so under a cloud of fear create by themselves, not by the relationship.
So whatever situation you are in from single to dating, to engaged to married, to separated to divorced. Remember this, without a plan for how life should be for you, you are just drifting though life and at the whim of it and others.
Life without a plan is a scary place to be take control and live the life you want starting today!
- Look forward to speaking to you in part Seven please post any questions or comments below.