Today I’m going to share how one woman reconnected with her trouble teenage daughter, why a woman chose not to leave her husband and what these two stories have in common that will be affecting everyone’s relationship right now.
- If your partners needs are different from yours and you don’t know what those differences are, how difficult would it be to connect to each other?
- What if your partners primary needs change as they go through different life stages how confusing would that be?
- What if a person needs are not being met, they don’t know what their needs are, or how to share them?
- What if a person expects their partner to know what they need because they assume their partner has the exact same needs as them?
If you want to have a meaningful connection with anyone in your family then understanding and respecting what they need is critical to maintain a connection that works.
Not understand each others needs is potentially devastating for families so it’s really important to know what really going on.
I’m going to share a two scenarios to help you understand more.
Husband and wife
A very confusing situation is when a person changes their primary need without knowing. The person can share their unhappiness, but not understand why they are really unhappy.
One lady felt an overwhelming need to escape her relationship. She felt her husband was a good man, but he was controlling and to protect the family and the relationship she said nothing for years. We discovered that she felt the only way she could grow as a person was to leave her husband.
By helping her and her husband learn how her needs had shifted from a need to protect herself by not saying how she felt about his controlling behaviours. They both understood she needed to grow. So they became a team and helped her to feel free and safe to grow from within the relationship by giving her a voice that he would hear so she could feel free to be herself.
Mother and daughter
Not understand how different needs can create situations of stress and anxiety.
Earlier this year I learnt from a couple I was working with that mother and daughter were constantly fighting. As I listen to mum speak about her daughters behaviour I could hear that although mum deeply loved her daughter she didn’t understand her primary need. This created fear in her daughter because she didn’t feel connected to her mum.
The more fear the daughter experienced the worse her behaviour became. I told mum her daughter was crying out for help, she was lost and alone.
Mum understandably was very shocked at her own defensive and judgemental behaviour and her anger at her daughter shifted instantly to empathy as she knew what it was like to not feel understood because that’s what she was feeling with her husband.
By helping mum understand her daughters core need they were able to reconnect and rebuild a loving connection.
So if you don’t understand what drives your loved ones thats different to you, then a gap will form between you.
If you feel disconnected from your partner then one of the big challenges will be someones needs are not understood.
Personally I would not have such a loving and connected relationship with Cloe if I didn’t understand what drove her and what she needed most.