The plight of “The Pleaser” who ends up being a victim of their own behaviours without knowing.
At first sight, a pleaser is a selfless person who wants you and everyone they meet to be happy.
“The Pleaser” can be confused with “The Contributor”.
Both the pleaser and the contributor are giving but with one difference.
The contributor gives because it’s who they are, so they are not looking for anything in return the giving is the gift to others and themselves.
The pleaser is using the giving as a means to get their own needs met.
This is where the pleasers distortion starts.
They will even sacrifice themselves in their quest to get back what they need.
Many pleasers I meet are acting as though they are unimportant as they serve everyone else.
The pleasers are looking after everyone else, but can resent everyone’s lack of appreciation for their efforts.
The pleaser in a relationship can find themselves in a cycle of giving and being upset, some do it like clockwork once per month.
The most hardcore pleasers make friends and then remove them because the friend(s) didn’t give them back what they needed, the friends of course are oblivious to the trade on the table.
The big problem is the pleaser doesn’t let the person they are giving to in on the trade they expect.
What the pleaser doesn’t say!
“So I’m going to give to you, and once I’ve stopped giving, I need you to perform in a certain way, so I’m emotionally secure in the knowledge you have appreciated my actions”.
The pleaser won’t say this because they know to say this is ridiculous, but they do expect it.
Their challenge is they don’t know how else to get their needs met so they live in this unhappy model of behavior.
So they end up exhausted, feeling no one cares about them.
The worst thing that happens to a pleaser is when they get rejected.
Now the world is unjust as they couldn’t have given any more.
Now they feel they are not enough, and that feeling it is devastating.
Pleasing as a trade to meet their needs will cause the pleaser in the end too much stress, so they must change the pattern and learn the art of contribution in a way that creates natural reciprocity.
This way their needs are met organically rather than on demand.
Meeting needs on-demand is a poor relationship model to be in and always limits the couple’s connection and growth so they will struggle.