As you go through today’s post what you will discover is what’s needed to rebuild a relationship and keep it alive. What you will discover is the reverse of what many people practice and is why they suffer.
The objective is to help you become curious about what you can start to focus on that will help you avoid making a relationship mistake that so many regret.
One of the foundations for a successful relationship is GIVING what will build security and release natural passion.
This very simple word “GIVING” is attached to complications that are at the root of so many couples problems.
Imagine giving your heart and soul to another only to discover that what you were actually giving was not connected to what they really needed, how frustrated would you both become?
This is where the problem start for many couples.
People stop giving and start withdrawing
If you look at any individual that is experiencing relationship problems they are going to be self-focused in some way.
Some are self-protecting, some are focused on what their partner should be doing but are not, some are focus on controlling their partner so they themselves are emotionally okay.
In simple terms when any person is moving into a self-focused emotional pattern the relationship is going to start to suffer.
Self-focus practiced over time is devastating for any couples connection.
The relationship will suffer because as the person focuses on themselves the relationship is being starved of what it really needs to survive.
The moment both people are focused on themselves the relationship is going to accelerate their disconnect.
If GIVING is so important why do so many people stop?
There are a number of reasons.
Some people are not focused at all on giving and are unaware of its importance. I remember a couple (both classical musicians mid-’30s) both sat in a needs deficit both totally unaware they have to give to the other for the relationship to work.
They had not developed their relationship past their own needs.
Some people stop giving because what they were giving historically and it was ignored or disrespected.
Many people don’t want to go back to giving because they felt they did give everything, but it didn’t work and they felt used or stupid.
What many don’t realise is what they gave was not going to be effective or connected to what their partner really needed.
The big question that is missing from so many relationships is the question WHY?
If your partner is behaving in a way you don’t like or they are not responding in the way you think they should then instead of moving to a position of self-protection or stopping your contribution model why not ask the question why?
Of course, the easy route is to be derogatory in some way, but it takes you nowhere, there really is no growth in this position.
Relationship success is in understanding
At the core of any successful relationship is the understanding of how their partners’ world is fundamentally different from theirs.
Growth in any relationship can only come from contribution and consistent contribution can only come from understanding.
The moment a person puts their own meaning to their partners’ behaviours or words they are going to become ineffective translators of what their partner is trying to communicate or achieve.
What’s normal for one person can be totally abnormal to the other.
To compound the problem individuals are not connected to how their partner is driven differently and what they need to feel great about themselves whilst they are in the relationship.
Some people are driven by love, some are driven by connection. Some people are driven by success, or the need to feel protected. Some are constantly looking for risk others are wanting to give.
Without understanding yourself and your partner’s differences how can you support them by effectively translating what they are trying to get to?
The result…
Many couples are helping each other to feel awful about themselves when they are together and the outcome is only going to be more disconnect, more pain and more suffering.
Understanding the drivers behind a couples disconnect is going to empower both people to learn how to contribute more successfully and not lose who they are in the process.
Now the relationship can be free to be a team
Once they have understood their differences they are in a position to create alignment on all the important elements of their life.
This then sets the foundation for security and predictability, but without it needing to being a focus.
Now the worry has gone the relationship is then free to embrace the contrasting energies that are needed for passion to thrive.
Emotional security and emotional connection are the foundations for passionate connection
Far too many couples are trying so focused on connection and alignment they actually kill their passion.
The connection is about sameness – Passion is about differences.
Passion is about differences and embracing the natural masculine and feminine energies.
Once the couple has mastered connection and growth through contribution and they are now in a position to understand how their sexual energies work and can get excited about their lives and their purpose for being together.
All of this takes understanding that we are not naturally born with.
So if your relationship is not working in most cases it’s a sign a change is needed rather than it’s proof of incompatibility.