Many couples are living together disconnected passionless and miserable not because they are incompatible or wrong for each other, it’s because they simply don’t know how to live together.
So in todays post I’m going to highlight the thinking that is causing couples so many problems.
The challenge we all face growing up is, we are given the idea that ‘the wrong principles‘ are the route to a safe and happy life.
So below are a few common illusions that have the ability to create significant emotion challenges in those that practice them.
1. I have no control over what I feel
2. Loss of love is permanent
3. Loss of love is something that just happens to us
4. I am qualified to be my partners judge
5. My partner should think the same as me
6. My translation of my partners behaviours is the absolute truth
7. Holding back love creates security
8. Punishing my partner makes them love me more
9. Assumptions your partner is trying to hurt you
10. Controlling your partner creates happiness in them
Below I have expanded on why it’s important to understand each of my points above.
1. I have no control over what I feel
Most of us were never taught that we are the creators of what we feel and exactly how we create our own feelings. This has left us with an illusion that our feelings just happen to us and we have no control over them. This is a huge illusion that can hurt far too many families. My message to all parents is you must become curious about this, learn it and apply it to your relationship and then teach this to your children.
2. Loss of love is permanent
Loss of love is only permanent all the time the person feels unsafe to contribute to their relationship. The challenge is, the person experiencing a loss of love has little to no desire to put themselves back in a place that feels emotionally unsafe. This creates a feeling that is terminal for the relationship. Help the person feel emotionally safe and their feelings can return again.
3. Loss of love is something that just happens to us
To fall in love we do something within us. To fall out of love we also do something within us. Falling out of love does not just happen although that can be the illusion of the person with this experience. It’s important to learn how this works so this pattern can be avoided in the future.
4. I am qualified to be my partners judge
Too many individuals stand in judgement of their partners actions. To judge means the person is making themselves better than their partner. I am qualified to be your judge. The true is we are only qualified to judge our own experience. Judging your partner is a fast way to collapse trust.
5. My partner should think the same as me
I see many couples that are so confused by their partners actions they try to get their partner to think the same way as them. They think they will be safer if this goal can be achieved. You can’t change someone and expect them to feel happy. Too many people do change themselves to please their partner and this just creates a time bomb.
6. My translation of my partners behaviours is the absolute truth
If a person translates their partners words or actions incorrectly and creates a meaning that does not align with their partners underlying intent this will cause significant problems. “I heard what you said, and you said this….!” “No I did not! And that’s not what I meant!” Sound familiar, by assuming bad intend you collapse trust and this creates resentment.
7. Holding back love creates security
It seems a natural behaviour to hold back love when we feel under threat. The problem is many of us really want love and security. Hold back love does not create either. “I hold back my love because I’m afraid I won’t be loved.” “If you hold back your love then you won’t be loved…” Holding back love causes so many problems not just in the relationship but also within the person who is holding back.
8. Punishing my partner makes them love me more
This seems to be one of the biggest illusions, when someone does me a wrong my job is to punish them. After all you must not reward bad behaviour with good. Punishing a partner will breed resentment within them, which can lead to emotional detachment. We all know when we are punished we don’t become magically more loving so why do we think others do?
9. Assumption your partner is trying to hurt you
It is true that really lovely people can hurt each other in relationships, however assuming that their are trying to is going to create deep problems. Especially if practised over time. In my experience most people do their best with what they know. Of course many people do not know enough to keep their relationship alive.
10. Controlling your partner creates happiness in them.
Far to many people feel controlled in their relationship. Lack of freedom, or feeling trapped on any level is not a breeding ground for love and passion. The need for control is really a need to create security on some level. If controlling leads the couple to emotionally disconnect then controlling is not a behaviour that creates security.
If this has struck a chord maybe now is the time to deal with this, make contact today.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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