1. The Universal Desire for Change
It’s almost universal: when couples hit struggles, their first thought is, “If only my partner would change.” They want their partner to:
- Listen better.
- Be more affectionate.
- Take more initiative.
- Stop the behaviours that hurt.
- Be more like me.
This desire is natural. When we feel pain, we look outward and assume relief must come from someone else shifting. But this approach carries a hidden trap.
2. The Trap of Trying to Change Your Partner
Trying to change your partner directly is one of the hardest and least effective missions you can embark on. Here’s why:
- People resist force. Even if you’re right, the moment someone feels pressured to change, their instinct is to protect themselves, not grow.
- It creates a power struggle. The more you push, the more they pull back. This often deepens disconnection.
- It erodes intimacy. Nobody wants to feel like a project or a problem to be solved.
This is why so many couples get locked in cycles of resentment — both waiting for the other to make the first move.
3. The More Powerful Mission: Influence
While direct change is nearly impossible, influence is powerful. Influence doesn’t force, demand, or manipulate. Influence inspires.
Here’s the difference:
- Change says: “You need to be different so I can feel better.”
- Influence says: “I’ll shift who I am so our dynamic naturally evolves.”
When you change the version of yourself who shows up in your marriage, your partner feels that difference. They start responding to a new energy. And here’s the secret: when change feels like their idea, it sticks.
4. Why People Only Change When It Feels Like Their Idea
Human beings are wired for autonomy. We need to feel that our choices are ours. If we sense someone else is trying to control or reshape us, we resist — even against our own best interests.
This is why:
- A husband may ignore years of nagging to be more romantic, but melt when his wife shifts her energy and suddenly he wants to pursue her again.
- A wife may dismiss her husband’s complaints about criticism, but when he starts showing up with warmth, presence, and consistency, she feels safe enough to soften naturally.
Change that comes from influence feels empowering. Change that comes from demand feels like a loss of freedom.
5. Who You Are Shapes What You Get
The strongest lever you have in your marriage is not controlling your partner’s behaviour — it’s upgrading the identity you bring.
- Show up as the fear-driven self and you’ll trigger more fear.
- Show up as the critic and you’ll invite defensiveness.
- Show up as the pleaser and you’ll invite imbalance.
- Show up as your true self — grounded, values-led, emotionally responsible — and you’ll create an environment where love, safety, and attraction can thrive.
Your marriage mirrors back the version of you who’s leading in it.
6. Real-Life Illustration
Imagine a wife who feels her husband is emotionally unavailable. She tells him for years, “You never open up, you don’t share, I can’t feel you.” He withdraws even more.
Now imagine instead she learns to regulate her own emotions and approaches him with calm presence instead of criticism. She shares her feelings vulnerably without blame. She shifts her energy from demand to invitation. Suddenly, he starts sharing. He feels it’s his choice to open up — not an obligation.
That’s the power of influence.
7. The Deeper Reward
When you commit to influence rather than control, something unexpected happens. You don’t just change your partner’s behaviour — you expand your own capacity. You grow.
- You become calmer under pressure.
- You lead with values, not fear.
- You create an identity you’re proud of, no matter what.
And that, ultimately, is the greatest gift. Because your marriage rises or falls with the version of you who shows up each day.
The Real Problem Few See
The biggest problem people bring into their marriage is they become the worst version of themselves to their problems. The question is how can the worst version of you be the best version to solve the problem.
If you want different results, you must bring a different identity — the one capable of creating safety, connection, and solutions.
Final Word
If you’re tired of waiting for your partner to change, stop waiting. Stop pushing. Stop demanding.
Instead, step into the role of influencer. Redefine who you are in the marriage. Because when you grow, your partner feels it. And when they feel it, their natural response is to shift too, in a way that feels like their choice.
That’s the untold truth about marriage: it doesn’t get stronger by forcing change. It gets stronger when you become the version of yourself who makes change inevitable.
This post is about developing your CORE.
- Your CORE is the first step in the Marriage Breakthrough Program.
The by-product of developing your core is you gain emotional stability. From here you gain strength, confidence, courage. These are all the qualities that men and women find attractive about each other.
So by growing this within you, not only will you be okay no matter what happens, you will also feel stronger inside by becoming more of who you really are and the by-product is you become and feel more attractive.
The core is about building an inner strength so you become more of who you really are.
People are not broken, they are suffering because they are running the wrong emotional patterns and their mind and body is giving them pain signals to say make a change.
This is the change your mind and body wants, it wants you stronger not weaker, it wants you in the driving seat not powerless because you’ve given your power away to other people.
Take your power back today…
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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