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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“What are you defending yourself for”?

So I’m sat with a couple who I’ve watched for about two minutes.

Sometimes it’s good to let a couple do their normal destructive patterns in front of me so I can learn what they are doing and why.

So off they went…

She said something he didn’t like, so he defended himself and attacked her back, she in turn, became more upset and threw more mud at him and so they were off…

They had started their normal cycle of disconnect they both told me they don’t like but seem quick to do at the drop of a hat.

I could see they were well versed in their pattern it’s like they both switched off their minds to get to the same place they always go.

Feeling frustrated, exhausted and hopeless.

Once I had what I needed I stopped them, after all, they are not paying me to watch them argue and two minutes was more than enough.

Once they had calmed down and were back listening to me I had a question for each person.

The question was this:

“Are you purposely trying to hurt your partner”?

I turned to her first, “Are you purposely trying to hurt your husband”?

“No of course not” she replied.

What about you “Are you purposely trying to hurt your wife”?

“Absolutely not”! replied the husband.

I fell silent to allow their minds to process both their answers, they both looked confused.

“I have watched you both become extremely defensive during that exchange of words and energy”.

“When a person defends themselves it means they think they are being attacked”.

“What are you defending yourself from if both of you agree you are not trying to hurt each other”?

Again more confused expressions, “you are both feeling attacked, but it isn’t true so what are you both missing”?

This is a common pattern in couples they don’t see what’s really happening because they are so caught up in their pattern.

“Each of you is defending yourselves from your partner who is not trying to hurt you, we have already established this point”.

“If you both took a moment to stop defending yourself and stop preparing your counter attack you may have a chance to change this pattern”.

“When your partner says something that sounds unfair or untrue you are not seeing that there is a choice of what to do next”.

“So neither of you is looking at your choices”.

“You can slap them back like two five-year-olds in a playground or you can start to ask some intelligent questions”.

“What must be going on for them if they are saying those words to you”?

“You see it’s the process of understanding what is going on in your partner’s world and what they are trying to achieve is what will free you both from this pattern.

“So what is going on in your wife mind as she brings that energy to you”?

“What is she trying to say and why”?

“What emotions is she trying to avoid and connect to”?

“And if she could get there how would she feel about herself and then see you differently”?

“I have no idea” he replied.

“So how do you know what emotion to bring to her”?

“How do you know defensiveness and counterattacking her is the right energy to choose”?

“You tell me you love her and I believe you, but you are responding without thinking and with so many unanswered questions she may be in real trouble and the answers to those questions may lead you to help her which I know you would”.

You see both people were not connected to the others world and so both people were missing an opportunity to get to their truth.

This pattern can exhaust people so badly they feel they have to leave the marriage because they are so unhappy.

Each person in this illustration was trying to achieve something very different and neither understood this.

They thought they were having the same argument, they were not! So the frustration turned to anger and now their fears were running the show.

Slow it down and think!

If you can’t work it out then you will need help doing so.

Sometimes understand each other actions and words can be very challenging because it’s like a different language.

I’m a bright guy and as much as I try I could never speak Chinese just by thinking hard, those words would never just come to me.

We all need help from time-to-time and if this is your pattern then it must be understood.

The bigger message to everyone is to stop defending yourself from your partner.

It’s highly unlikely they are really trying to hurt you.

Plus becoming defensive from an assumed attack leaves an unsaid sentence on the table.

That sentence is I’m protecting myself from you because “I don’t trust you” and that is decimating for any couple’s connection.

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

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July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

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When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

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What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • “Needy and not needed!”
  • “Discover the No.1 Philosophy of Highly Effective Spouses: From Struggle to Success”
  • “Unveiling the Secrets: How I Mastered the Art of Resolving Relationship Issues”
  • 3 Foundations for a Healthy Marriage
  • Misdiagnosis – Divorce Prevention Part 3

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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