When I look at the most destructive behaviours couples experience. Understanding this specific pattern can help them avoid many common relationship traumas.
I have been thinking about this post for a long time because it’s a challenge that I see so often in all kinds of relationships.
So my hope is this may trigger some new thoughts in you to support your own growth and success.
I’ll start with an intervention I saw many years ago.
A lady had lost connection with her emotional self due to past traumas and she was living in a fraction of who she really was.
This resulted in her bringing a distorted meaning to her life, and it was affecting herself and those who loved her.
One part of the process touched on her being upset with her sister.
Her sister had just given birth and had used this lady’s name to name her child.
She was furious that her sister would steal her name.
Of all the ways to look at that situation, she saw her sisters action as stealing.
She had missed the fact that her sister was actually loving and honouring her by naming her child after her.
This lady was so shocked at how she had got this so wrong.
This is what I see so often in my sessions.
Just because you think it – it doesn’t mean it’s true!
People are constantly buying into meanings they made up that has no place in fact or reality.
It’s far too easy to judge, blame, and look for what’s wrong, but all this does is erode connection.
It’s harder to look for the good and put meanings that proves your ability to trust and believe in your partner to bring out the best in them.
The problem is that people are failing to see that there are many other ways to look at any situation.
If both people end up putting the wrong negative meaning to the situation, they will both naturally trigger self-protection in the other.
The need to self-protection is a connection killer and many marriages end on the back of this.
It’s critical that each person be is responsible for putting the correct meaning to situations and their partner behaviours.
Sadly most people end up bringing an energy that leads the couple into needing defensive behaviours.
“I need to protect myself from your view of me” is where many end up.
Working on yourself to bring the right meanings to your relationship is the most critical starting point.
Recently two professional women worked on themselves with me on their own to rid themselves of these types of issues.
Each one had to rid themselves of the fears that were leading them to bring the wrong meanings to their relationships.
My message to everyone in life is if you want a better life then you must become better.
Being better starts with your ability to see the whole picture and then choose the version of yourself that brings out the best in yourself and your partner.
These two ladies understood this and both reaped huge rewards.