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Are Your Fears Destroying Your Relationship?

September 19, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Everyone one has fears, and in relationships where people are out of control of what their partners could do, can experience their fears can becoming significantly magnified.

  • The most common fear is that we will on some level will not being enough for our partners!

When we feel this way we can start to change our behaviours to balance out our feelings or fears. Unfortunately the feelings of creating balance is an illusion and what really happens is a pathway to creating the very thing we fear.

For example a person who fears their partner leaving them might display some of the behaviours below.

  • This person could experience uncontrollable jealousy
  • They might become very involved in what their partner does
  • The could subject their partner to a barrage of texts, emails, phone calls
  • They could constantly seek approval or significance
  • They may even start to shut down emotionally to block our their feelings if it gets really intense

The problem with these behaviours is the person who on the receiving end of this can feel they are not trusted, and as trust is one of the key foundations of any relationship the relationship can start to feel unstable.

This results in them both acting in fear states as they can now both fear the relationship ending, or not being how it should be and so they both go into self-protection as they can no longer see a future that’s either happy or together.

In these fear states the couple can start to take control in many different ways. Unfortunately the fear states they are in does not usually create an environment of growth and so the relationship starts to die.

So the possible feelings of not being enough start to come true.

Fears can generate the total reverse of what
a relationship needs to grow and survive.

Both people can start to attach resentment to each other as they stop feeling secure. The passion will start to fade and this can be dangerous for the relationship as both parties still have needs that have to be met. They stop feeling important to each other and they feel their connection starts to fade.

Many couples will start to notice that the relationship is no longer fulfilling their needs and so they discover that they go outside of the relationship to feel good again.

  • At this point they can conclude that the relationship is no longer working.

Is this where you are? Would you like to change this? Maybe you are fearful and you want to control it but you don’t know how. If so get in touch today!

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Grown Men Have Cried When They Discovered This…

September 18, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I have had so many instances with my clients that when I explain in detail how and why their values are the key to a happy life for them, they breakdown in total disbelief that they have lived their lives all this time without knowing this life changing and critical information.

Grown men have cried, women have put their head in their hands, some have become angry, some look back with regret of how their lives could have been different if they had really understood this back before their problems really started.

  • So many powerful reactions to this silent wonder that sits within us without us knowing.

See the thing is, when I talk to people about values they usually say yes they understand them, and that they have great values for life.

I then I discover that what they think they understand is far from reality, and so they actually have no idea, not only of what a value really is, but how to use them to get the lives they really want.

I remember the day so clearly day when I understood this and suddenly my life just seemed to snap into sharp focus. I discovered that my values were the key to the life I wanted.

  • The challenge that everyone faces is to understand them and persistently meet your values every day.

Because if you understand the values that are needed to be the person you have always wanted to be, and you meet those values every day you cannot fail in being happy and true to you.

The rules of values

Anyone that is unhappy is NOT living by their values. Understanding your values and how to meet them is the pathway to your emotions.

  • THE RULES ARE SIMPLE: If you meet your values you will be happy, if you don’t you will be unhappy.

Understanding this changes everything because the way we live our lives is with a goal to be happy.

For example people go in search of many ways to be happy.

A woman may go in search of a dress to be happy. She believes the dress will make her happy. In the moment the dress does make her happy, but it does not last for long and so she has to repeat the process to be happy again.

What she has not understood is that the process of buying the dress has given her emotions. It’s the emotions she is after that she gets when she buys the dress, but she thinks it’s the dress she wants, this is her illusion.

She may feel more confident, powerful, in control, significant, attractive…etc When she feels anyone of these things many of her values are being met, but it’s likely she has no idea which one’s, all she knows is she feels happy and this is the route to it.

  • What if she understood how to meet all those emotions through her values without buying anything? What would happen is she could find way to gain lasting happiness that is not conditional on stuff or in this case a dress.

Another example

Many people value money so highly that they spend their lives on a quest to get as much as they can, only to ask this question “… I now have everything I could possibly want, why am I still unhappy?”

Imagine spending your life on a quest and achieving that goal only to discover that what you went for didn’t make you happy.

This is why so many very rich people end up in therapy, they are lost and confused and now exhausted.

  • These people did not understand the power of creating values for lasting happiness.

Now imagine how your relationship would be different, if you understood how to be happy through your values no matter what. Imagine if you could communicate those values to your partner so he or she knew without doubt how to make you happy and you did the same for them.

Then the route to relationship success can be yours in every part of your life.

  • If this has struck a chord with you please get in touch.

Remember this: Knowledge is only power if you persistently apply that knowledge.

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Life Doesn’t Have To Be This Way!

September 17, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Whatever is affecting your life today, from economic challenges, to relationship problems, from feelings of self-doubt to depression.

If your life is not the way it should be for you then why not? What is wrong for you, what has to change for you to be happy?

A lot of people get stuck in despair, or learnt helplessness that their lives are impossible to change and how it is today is how it will always be, or if they image the next ten years being like the last ten they hold their head in their hands in despair.

What the “Experts” say!

Many experts will tell us that change takes along time, what they neglect to tell you is that it’s the deciding to change is what takes the time, the changes itself can happen in a moment.

  • Maybe this is where you are, are you still deciding to change?

Do you fear change?

Maybe you know you need to make some changes in your life, but you have no idea where to start, or even if it’s possible.

Maybe you are fearful to move towards any changes in your life because what if it doesn’t work, or maybe you are fearful that it will work?

When are you going to hold yourself to a higher standard?

Whatever is stopping from getting the life you want can be changed, but you have to want it enough. You have to want to live your life to a higher standard, you have to want to have the best of life for you, you have to want a life full of passion and adventure.

When are you going to hold yourself to that higher standard? When are you going to say “ENOUGH! I have to commit myself today to the only life I have…RIGHT NOW!“

Do not fear how you are going to get this new life or new you, just know that you want it with all your heart and trust your mind to know where to go to get the help or the information to help you.

You are on a journey called life, and so you are in charge! So what do you want your journey to be like and where do you want to go, and most importantly how will you know when you get there?

  • The biggest regret you will have is not being brave enough!
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Your State Is Deciding Your Future

September 16, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

The states you are in from moment-to-moment is what crafts your life and your destiny. Your states create how you experience the world and how others experience you. So understanding your states and how to control them is critical to everyone’s life.

Every decision and behaviour is created from the state you are in at any given moment in time. So if you are in a fear state, or angry state then you would make very different decisions than if you were in a happy or fun state.

  • Different decisions equals different futures

So what state do you spend most of your time in?

You may have discovered that being tough or angry gets people around you to do things and you like that. Or maybe you live in a depressed state because you get more love or sympathy.

Maybe you are in a negative state where you moan about the world, because this is your best way of connecting with others who also like to moan and so what you get back is a connection.

The question is this…

Is the state you are in most of the time going to give you the life you want?

Many people get stuck in certain states because by creating that state in a critical moment in their past they got something they valued which saved them from being hurt.

Maybe they felt more secure, or more loved, or more significant. Whatever their reason for getting stuck in a particular state can cause long-term problems because that person a can fear without knowing going into other states, through fear of being hurt in some way.

Most people have no idea that they are stuck, but if you were to look back at your life what consistent comments did you get from others and how do you feel inside, because there will be clues.

The biggest problem is when someone is stuck in this state, assumes that the roll of this state is to create a balance in their lives, but this is a poor illusion because this state will only be able to LIMIT them and to limit means to block other possibilities.

The result is a tired and unhappy person, because what they value most can never be achieved and so they fight to craft the world around them to fit how their life should be, but they do it from a place of fear, and no decision from that place will give them the lives they truly want.

  • Thankfully there is a solution to this so if you feel this way,
    or are you living with someone like this please get in touch today.
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How To Avoid Splitting-Up?

September 15, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

One of the biggest challenges that any couple in trouble faces is their own perceptions and beliefs about their relationships and their problems.

This is because after time spent focused on their problems a couple can get a distorted vision of their relationship and how it fits into what they thought their life should be like.

Unfortunately from this place they can decide that splitting up is their best, or only option… BUT! Just because they can’t find a solution it does not mean there isn’t one.

The question that gets to your truth is this…

  • How can we trust our perspective if we don’t know how our perspective is created
    and specifically what influences it?

OUR PERSPECTIVE… equals a meaning we give an event(s) based on our own life experiences so far, our state of mind at the time, our values for what’s important to us, the rules we have attached to our values.

Our perspective is also influenced by how we are meeting our needs that we maybe meeting yet conflicting with our most critical values for happiness.

When you consider all this plus how we generalise and distort information to fit our belief systems that were set up unconsciously, how can anyone trust in a state of fear (which is where most couples in trouble are) know as a fact that splitting up is the best decision and will make them happy?

The simple answer is they can’t..!

All they know is today they are not happy and they don’t want to feel that way any more.

This is why my first job as a relationship coach is to help all my clients understand the truth about their relationship before any decisions can be made…

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To all my valued subscribers

September 8, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

****News update****

I am delighted to announce that have been approached by a firm of Matrimonial Solicitors called IBB Solicitors in west London. They have requested that I offer help to clients that appoach them, who are not sure if divorce is right for them or not.

I have always believed that this is morally the right move for solicitors, however my requests to other law firms have been met by a reluctance due to their potential loss of business.

Very often couples in crisis get a totally distorted vision of their own relationship and each other and so they think that divorce is their only option.

With my guidance I will be helping couples see their relationships differently to free them from fear and then help them build on growth rather than destruction.

****News update****

There will also be a small interruption in your service due to scheduled maintenance to this website. Normal service will be resumed by Monday 13th September.

I want to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to all my readers.

To your success

Stephen Hedger

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Save Your Marriage or Relationship Step-By-Step

September 7, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If your relationship is in trouble and you have tried everything to fix it yourself and nothing is working then these are the simple steps that will have a massive impact on your relationship and are the steps I use when working with couples in crisis.

Step 1 – Get leverage

I help people understand the true cost of not fixing their relationship problems. When people decide to split-up they don’t think about the true cost both emotionally and financially. The cost is always much bigger than they thought, it’s far more expensive, the emotional fall out goes on for years and massively effects their  future relationships, plus their children are affected for life sometimes hating their parents.

Plus many couples who do split regret their decision after everything has calmed down, because in the moment of maximum pain all they want is the pain to stop so they irrationally end their relationship.

  • This leverage activates motivation to discover the truth and stops them living in learnt helplessness as they go round in circles.

Step 2 – Where is your relationship really

The next step is to understand where your relationship really is. Very often the couple feel the relationship is much worse than it really is because they have been focused on their problems for so long that they now can’t see how the relationship could ever change or be different.

This is just a perception based on the state they are in, which is likely to be a state of fear. In fear states not only does the world look and feel different, but in this place bad decisions are made. States of fear take us back to childhood where we cry, thrash out, look for revenge, want to hurt those who are hurting us.

From this place really bad decisions are made.

Step 3 – Understanding your critical needs

The next step is to help the couple understand how their critical needs are being met. When the couple first met the chances are they met all of each others critical needs. As time goes on this can change and when the couple fail to meet each others needs they go outside the relationship to feel good again.

This can have a big impact because the couple stop believing that they can trust each other to give them what they need to feel happy. They could stop feeling loved, not feel important, loose feelings of security all this will stop the relationship from growing and so it starts to die.

By teaching the couple how to meet each other needs through practical steps dramatically changes how the couple interacts and starts to bring them back to where they can be happy together again.

Step 4 – Uncover a conflict in values

The couple with guidance will discover why they have both been behaving the way they have and how this drive to get their needs met is hurting them because they are very likely to be contradicting their own values.

What this does is put someone in a values conflict where no matter what they do they feel pain. So they become stuck.

Women in this place will cry and scream men will seemingly shut down impossible to get through to.

Understanding is the key and shifting values so life and relationships become winnable again frees the couple to help each other again.

Step 5 – Rebuild the trust

Now we have a clearer understanding of what has been going on and why, now the couple is in a position where trust can start to be rebuilt. The couple at this will make a solid commitment to each other to love each other no matter what and to make meeting each others needs their goal every day.

When they do this then unconditional love is possible.

Step 6 – Relationship management

Assume things will go wrong. Life throws challenges every day some small some much bigger. Helping the couple understand how to manage themselves, each other and the relationship is critical to keep each other on track. This covers what to do in arguments, the differences between the sexes and how to be successful with each other.

Step 7 – Planning for success

Planning an amazing future together. Many couples become disillusioned with their relationship because they seem to have no purpose, no direction, no reason for being together.

The reason couple feel this way is because they plan nothing. This next step is to get them excited again about their future and what they want to do and have in it.

Step 8 – The different versions of you

Going deeper, I encourage many couples to gain a deeper understanding of each other by understanding the many personalities they both have and what these personalities were set-up to do.

This will help the individuals in the couple shift the state of their partner from down to happy from serious to sexy. It will also help them understand when they are living to long in one personality that could lead them to depression.

If any of this has struck a chord with you
I have 2 options for you…

  • Make contact with me for a FREE 30 minute chat to
    discuss what I can do to help your specific situation
    Click Here
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How To Stop Our Arguments?

September 6, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

The way to stop your arguments is to understand them and know how potentially destructive they are being to your relationship.

Those that try to win arguments end up paying a bigger price

Many people have a destructive illusion that trying to win arguments is their goal because if they do win (whatever that means) what happens is they are left with an unhappy partner, and this equals trouble too.

So there are no winners in arguments. If you make this your goal, you’ll generate a partner that will never be the one you want, because you will be resented and that can eventually lead to a relationship break-up.

Fears block understanding

Your goal in a disagreement is understanding, but the reason couples don’t focus on understanding their problem is because all they see is trouble, and then they fear a future that might be generated by the argument, or they fear the future that created the argument..

That future could be a split, lack of respect, being controlled, never being free, being abandoned, or rejected,…this is potentially a very long list.

From these places of fear, the couple aggressively go round in circles trying to fix what they believe to be wrong, but they do it through blame, or defending their words.

The reason they go round in circles never getting to the answer is because what they are fighting about is not their real problem.

Couples try to fix the wrong problem

It’s like trying to stop a tap leaking by closing the front door. Yes it’s as ridiculous as that, but couples don’t know this and they keep slamming that door expecting the leak to stop, but of course it never does.

  • Moaning, blaming, defending, shouting, making your partner wrong, judging them. Have you ever know this to be the route to a loving unconditional relationship.

Start understanding and get good information fast

If men could understand that their women are shouting at them because they don’t feel safe, or if women understood that the reason men run away is because they never feel they can make her happy, then the relationships would be so much easier.

Of course this is a huge simplification of any conflict, but just understanding this will start to help you understand that there is an underlying intention behind anyone’s words or behaviours in an argument and taking them literally is dangerous for your relationship.

Understand your partner now!

Relationships have to be learnt just like any other skill. Thinking that long lasting unconditional relationships  are natural is also a dangerous illusion. Nature only ever intended the sexual attraction to be real. The rest of what we believe a relationship to be about is made up by man, that’s why after the initial sexual buzz that was automatic, we have to now make lots of effort to keep our relationships alive.

  • If your partner is shouting at you, know that they fear something, so shouting back is only going to make them more worried.

It’s likely that their shouting is a cry for help, and they want you to help them which is why they are shouting at you.

You might feel good when you are right, but be careful that you don’t end up being right and alone.

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Long Distance Relationship Advice

September 5, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 7 Comments

My partner and I have been having a lot of problems. We were together for 4 months and everything was absolutely perfect, everything was going right and we fit well with each other.

Then after the 4 months we were thrown into an unexpected long distance relationship which equals to a few thousand miles between us (17 hours plane journey). Our relationship changed a lot, its now been a year and one month since we started our relationship so 9 months has been long distance and this has been difficult to say the least.

I would say that I have become quite irrational, I am incredibly jealous now but I never was before the long distance. I trust him much less and I can stress a ridiculous amount which leads to getting angry with him for the smallest thing.

I kind of understand my jealousy because I am jealous of any girl that can be near him but I can’t be, that I have to be thousands of miles away and the horrible feeling that something could happen.

I have become a completely different person which he had always been patient about but I could never seem to change. I don’t know if I can ever change my jealousy especially in a long distance relationship, also the problem is that we would have to be in this distance for another few years.

Its been 9 months and the truth is I’ve been finding it absolute hell, I’ve been stressed, I’ve been crying almost everyday, and its horrible. My Partner on the other hand really likes a long distance relationship, hes been understanding because he loves me so much but I can’t seem to do that for him.

I don’t know at all what to do.

Lisa

————————————————–

Dear Lisa

Thank you for your email to me, I really feel for you, this is a horrible place to be.

You enter into a perfect relationship and just as it’s getting going, it’s now been taken away.

Now you are left will all these conflicts inside that are now making you really unhappy. On one hand you know these thoughts are irrational, but every day they’re coming into your mind uninvited.

There are two key areas here that are effecting you.

  • 1. The man you love is thousands of miles away from you, and this is not how your relationship or life should be.
  • 2. Your constant focus on potential problems has taken you to a place of fear, which has generated a version of you that is constantly worried and now becoming depressed.

When your life conditions don’t match how you think things should be, you can become miserable, depressed and in this place of fear you have unconsciously gone on a search to discover what problems this long distance relationship could create for you, for him, and the relationship.

  • What’s happened is you have come up with loads of ways this relationship could hurt you or end.

Your boyfriend who seems to be trying to fix this relationship from thousands of miles away knows how unhappy you are, and is telling you that everything is OK and that a long distance relationship with him is not to be feared.

In fact you believe either through his words or your feelings that he likes the relationship this way. If you also believe that, then there is no end to living hell for you…

…I don’t believe any man that loves his woman wants to be thousands of miles away from her ( if you also share that thought, that could be making your feel worse, however…), I expect he is fearful of you getting so upset that you end the relationship, to escape your own fears, and so he could be playing his own feelings down to protect you.

Something needs to change, because you are making yourself unwell and these behaviours in you could create the thing you fear most and that’s a break up, because you both can‘t see away forward.

At the moment this situation for you equals the possibility of the end of your relationship every day.

The other part that I know is hurting you is that you want to give him love and yet from this place of fear you can’t, and that’s deeply hurting you too.

The bottom line is you feel out of control, not able to do, or be, what you want in a life situation you never saw as perfect for you or ever wanted or asked for.

For you to be happy again a change is needed, and so your focus and the meanings you are giving that focus has to be different for you to be OK.

Lisa I am going to contact you direct, I can tell you what needs to change, but I will have to work with you to make that change happen.

If Lisa is happy to work with me, we will be back to share the results.

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We Have Nothing In Common!

September 4, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Is our relationship a mistake… I get many letters from individuals that are frustrated with their relationships because they feel that they have nothing in common with each other and so they think they must now be incompatible.

So have they suddenly lost what they had? Did one of the couple suddenly stop liking something they once shared.

  • No, what’s happened is the couple has lost it’s purpose and so the relationship became directionless. All the excitement in the early days such as dating, holidays, weekends away, marriage, houses, babies… and then nothing…!

They stop dating, the sex life starts to die, they feel the passion for each other has left, and every day is becoming predictable and boring and they start to blame each other and the relationship.

They both go to a place of fear where the future not what they imagined where they feel unsafe, unloved, alone. When they go to this place they start to search for proof that all this is true. It’s not long before they find it and so scared they go outside the relationship to get their needs met to protect themselves from this future, not yet ready to leave their partner but prepared for if it happens.

  • When this happens the couple feels distant to each other wondering where the love has gone, now sure they have made a mistake.

Where is your partner going to get their needs met now?

All the things they used to get from the relationship now has to be met outside the relationship if they feel they can’t get what they need from you, of course this works both ways .

  • So if you want excitement, maybe a now night out with the friends is now more exciting than your partner.
  • Maybe you are working more and more, because you feel more valued there than you do at home.
  • Maybe you look for love from your children or you family because you don’t get the love you need from your partner.
  • Maybe you have felt an attraction to others and secretly want to act upon it. Maybe you have acted and now you regret it.

If you are getting what you need outside the relationship then one, or both of you has stopped doing what worked when you first met. It’s not that you have nothing in common, it because both of you have stopped giving each other what you need to be really happy.

When you first met you gave you partner everything they needed without knowing and because you didn’t know what you did that triggered the love the joy the passion you think you did nothing except just be you.

Because you are still just being you, you are confused as to why the relationship is dying and so you must be incompatible.

If you had the chance would you want to make this right again..?

Stephen Hedger helps couples understand what changes will re-ignite their relationship. Most couples don’t know what changed and they fear the future. If they believe their own hype, they can end their relationship even if they have children. If this is you please get in touch click here

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