My Wife is Aggressive what do I do?

If you find yourself in this situation firstly understand there is a really good reason behind it. So understanding what to do will create a significant impact on the relationship.

There are two forms of aggression, one which is verbal the other is phyisical violence. The one we are looking at today is verbal agression only.

If your wife becomes verbally aggressive she is trying to get a message through to you. It has become more aggressive because she feels that you have not understood her and so she is escalating her message hoping you will understand.

Understanding is what she really wants, but she is using aggression to get it because she fears what will happen if she can’t get through. In a mans world this makes no sense, her agression makes him want to move away, because what he wants is calm.

So the initial goal is to understand what is really going on for her. If you understood that then you would become significanlty more successful, which is what you want.

If she has got to aggression she is probably feeling that she has been communicating her problem and she feels unheard and there is no empathy for her true feelings i.e. the pain she is in…

If this is how she feels what happens next is she will become stronger automatically to cope and so she detaches from her true feminine self. In relationship terms it’s critical she remains connected to her feminine self because if she isn’t then intimacy becomes an automatic problem for her and she will block it.

She may complain that her partner has become a child for her, or just weaker.

The reason she feels he is weaker is because when she becomes aggressive what she really needs is love and understanding. What she gets is usually a frustrated man who displays his emotions at a point when she wants his strength. His emotions could be anger, defensiveness, shutdown, escape, bullying.

He may even find when he tries to fix the words she uses she becomes even more upset, the result he is even more confused, he wants to fix the problem but nothing he does works.

You see what she says and the meaning behind her words are different. Unless you know her real meaning behind her aggressive behaviour then you may start to treat her as if she is a man.

Learn how she works, learn what the real meanings behind her words are is the answer.

Her message is likely to be that ‘she doesn’t feel safe!’ If this happens and what she gets is an emotional response from a man this will only make her become more detached as she becomes numb to her situation.

What she sees is at the moment she is in pain she watches the man who promised to protect her become weaker than she is.

At that point he becomes less attractive, weaker and so he becomes pointless in the relationship. She effectively becomes the man in the relationship in terms of providing emotional security.

Some women may even be holding back how they really feel to protect their relationship. In other words she is holding on to her inner pain because she fears if she communicates what’s going on he will run away or behave in a destructive way to her.

Effectively she is looking after him and this is why she sees him now as her child.

Deep inside she wants to be emotionally looked after in the relationship, if she can’t be herself in the relationship and she has to change she will resent him.

Not being able to be herself is her biggest source of pain for her. Honesty will be one of her biggest values and yet she feels can’t be honest in the most important part of her life.  If she has children she also knows that she is passing this pain onto her children as they look to model the behaviours in the relationship for their own future relationships.

Destructive relationship patterns is not the legacy any parent wants for their own children.

  • If this has struck a chord please don’t hesitate… get in touch today.
About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.


  1. Good advice unless your wife is a bully. My wife responds to a soft and kind hearted man by becoming more mean. She abuses me abs I am nothing but kind and nice. So this advice is assuming one situation or personality. Definitely not good advice for all.

    • Stephen Hedger says:

      Dear Zeke

      It maybe that the combination of you not understanding her combined with your softness is helping her to see you as a person that doesn’t care for how she is feeling.

      This could be why she is getting so upset.

      So find out why she is so upset as fast as possible.