Year after year, I’ve been studying the many hidden destructive patterns couples are using to take them into a marital crisis. I have studied this so I can empower couples to actually see their problems clearly so they can take action and get out of their crisis with new behaviours.
Once couples can step out of their crisis and see why they are suffering, they can start to follow simple but powerful steps that can help them reinvest in themselves and their marriage without compromising themselves.
A client this week told me this knowledge had helped him become a far better person as well as a better husband.
This message from him is not a surprise to me because for the process to work permanently; it has to connect the person back with their true self.
Couples in marital crisis will become distorted versions of themselves, and in this place, a connection is almost impossible, which is why so many couples are going round in circles some for far too long.
The couples I’m most interested in working with are the ones that do successfully break their marriage but in truth should be together happy, loving and passionate.
The study of marital crisis and the study of what needs to happen to get them out of it is my life’s work and mission.
In today’s post, I’m going to share some of what my clients are learning that help them to see their truth.
It’s critical my clients know I’m NOT not trying to fix them. I’m only interested in helping them both connect to an authentic outcome so two intelligent people can decide what their next step should be through education of their specific situation.
I have made it my life mission to study three areas of marital crisis so couples can understand not only how to get out of problems but how to keep their connection alive.
- How they created their disconnect without knowing.
- How to reinvest the couple so a healthy loving connection can be reignited.
- How to make sure they have the tools they were missing to keep mutual pleasure high and resentments down for life.
Once they can shift their focus towards learning, then we have a couple who can grow.
What many couples don’t know is they are not designed to be connected to their partners for life so they must have key skills.
Socially we want a life long connection but nowhere in society are we helped to understand the skills we need to keep our relationships alive for life, this is why so many needlessly suffer.
Natural chemistry creates the initial connection early in a couple’s relationship but past that early phase the couple won’t know the structure of how to keep their attraction energy alive, so they react badly to each other and kill their attraction.
Essentially their passion for each other is replaced by the need for security/protection in at least one person. The list below is a good place to start to understand why.
- They won’t know how to communicate; it can feel difficult.
- They won’t know how to meet critical needs.
- They won’t know how to become a team through problems.
- They won’t know how to have conflict and create more love.
- They won’t know how to stop protecting themselves from each other.
- They won’t know how to understand their partner primary drivers.
- They won’t know how to keep the attraction alive outside of the bedroom.
- They won’t know how to design who they must become.
- They won’t know how to design the relationship they both want.
- They won’t know how to design an exciting and compelling future.
- They won’t know how to see historic (outdated) patterns designed to protect them which are today killing their relationship
A couple who were sexually disconnected came for help. Once I could see this couple’s problem, I then made a presentation over 60 minutes to them about what they needed to understand to get them out of this problem. They told me they had no idea there was so much to learn about themselves and each other.
They thought either we are attracted to each other or we are not. They didn’t know attraction is a process that can be created with the right knowledge and behaviours now they have a path.
Learning really is what’s needed to help couples out of a crisis. Understanding removes fear and reinvests the couple to use the tools they have learnt that will keep them safe and connected.
With so many hidden forces, you must NOT assume your relationship is the real problem. My advice is to discover the truth before you make an expensive mistake.
About Stephen Hedger
