When a relationship feels like it’s on the brink, it’s natural to want to act fast to get to safety. But often, the steps couples take in desperation can worsen the situation. If you’re in a marital crisis, avoiding these common mistakes could make all the difference.
1. Don’t Panic — Keep a Calm Mind
The worst of you is not the best version of you to solve this problem. Panic is your enemy when trying to fix a relationship, as it can accelerate the outcome you’re trying to avoid. It clouds judgment, triggers emotional outbursts, and prevents strategic thinking. So, take a step back and focus on creating a calm mindset that will enable you to learn. A composed mind is essential to plan carefully for the outcome you desire.
2. Stop Seeing the Problems Only From Your Own Perspective
When emotions run high, it’s easy to get stuck in your own narrative. However, this narrow viewpoint will always block any progress. Start to assess the relationship from your partner’s perspective. Ask yourself: How might they be feeling? What might they need with where they are? Empathy is a powerful tool for reconnection.
3. Don’t Assume Your Story is the Only Truth
You might believe your story is the “right” one, but your partner has their own version of events. Their truth matters just as much as yours. They’ve likely built a profile of who they think you are based on their own experiences of time with you. Whatever they have felt, they will attach those feelings to you. Understanding their perspective is crucial to moving forward.
4. Stop Negative Emotional Reactions
Negative emotions like anger, frustration, or resentment only reinforce your partner’s negative perspective of you. If you’re reacting emotionally, you’re feeding the cycle of negativity. Instead, focus on interrupting these patterns and replacing them with calm and constructive responses.
5. Don’t Assume Your Partner Thinks Like You
Your partner is not you. They don’t think like you, need what you need, or believe what you believe. Stop expecting them to operate from your frame of reference. Embrace the idea that they are almost like a completely different species — and that’s okay. Your differences are an opportunity for growth.
6. Don’t Rush or Pressure Your Partner
Healing takes time. Your partner might need to process emotions or decisions at a different pace than you. Pressuring them to move faster will likely backfire. Give them the space they need to reflect while showing them you’re committed to the process.
7. Never Assume You Understand What’s Going On
Even if you think you know your partner well, don’t be under the illusion that you fully understand them and what’s happening. The dynamics of a relationship in crisis are complex. Instead, start the process of learning. Ask questions, seek clarity, and remain open to discovering things you didn’t know before.
8. Avoid Telling Your Partner How They Feel or Who They Are
Statements like, “This is just like you”, “You’re just being unreasonable”, “You’re overreacting”, or “You know we are good together” only prove how disconnected you are from their experience. Never tell someone how they feel, who they are, or what they should do. Instead, listen and learn. This approach has the potential to rebuild trust and foster understanding.
9. Know the Difference Between Stopping Someone From Leaving and Attracting Them Back
Desperately trying to stop your partner from leaving can feel controlling and push them further away. The key is not to trap them but to attract them back. Focus on becoming the version of yourself that they were drawn to in the first place — someone who adds value to their life.
10. Never Try to Change Your Partner
The most productive and proven change you can make is in yourself by increasing your value. Trying to change your partner is significantly harder to achieve and often creates resistance and resentment. Instead, focus on changing your own patterns, behaviours, and mindset.
When you grow, it often inspires change in the relationship dynamic.
Final Thoughts
A relationship in crisis can feel overwhelming, but by avoiding these mistakes, you can start to create the conditions needed for healing and growth. Remember, change starts with you. By showing up as your best self and staying committed to understanding and empathy, you’ll give your relationship the best possible chance to thrive.