Mark Twain — ‘I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.’
Many years ago I came across this quote and it had a profound effect. It got me thinking about areas of our life that create stress, anxiety and worry.
With many of us being forced to stay at home and spend more time together many relationships will start to suffer so this is important to become curious about.
A common problem I see in my sessions is people suffer from two distinct fears.
- They fear they are not enough.
- They fear they won’t be loved.
These two fears can lead a person into practising unhelpful survival based behaviours.
- Some people are emotionally closed and won’t open up.
- Some try to overly please others at the cost of themselves.
- Some people find the concept of love is too dangerous.
- Some seem to be only focused only on themselves.
- Some will reject the concept of being vulnerable.
All of these and many more behaviours are rooted in those two core fears.
So how do we get rid of those fears?
What is it we can practice that will help us to take back control.
In this post, I’m going to focus on 3 shifts of focus that if practised can help a person take back control.
Step One: You don’t need validation from anyone
Step Two: Become what you value
Step Three: Thinking is the enemy
Time to reset & take your power back through a stronger inner-connection
Step One: You don’t need validation from anyone.
The moment of freedom comes from the understanding that it is you that decides that you are enough. The only person that’s qualified to judge you is you.
This puts a person back in the driving seat of their life. They can stop trying to be what they think life, people or society wants them to be, they can be who they were always destined to be.
When a person frees themselves from the distorted judgement and assumptions of others they can start to be free to focus on who they need to be to live the life they want to live.
Step Two: Become what you value
If you are the only person that is qualified to be your judge. Then you must now be honest with yourself so you can grow.
The goal is to become the best you can be as often as you can. No one is a robot, so you must also forgive yourself when you are less than you know you can be.
All you need to become is your own observer so you can notice when you are connected to being yourself and when you are not.
Becoming less of who you are at the core is never the right emotional state to deal with the ups and downs of life.
This is why every couple in crisis is incompatible – They are no longer connected to being themselves.
The secret to removing suffering from our lives sits in our ability to become what we value most.
Too many people are disconnected from what they value and so they are part of the process that makes them feel bad in their own life.
For example, I remember a client who was constantly upset with other people. She was angry when she recalled her life experiences with others.
I shared with her that I felt she wasn’t angry at them she was angry at herself. She looked confused whilst she shook her head.
I went on to share that in each story she told, she felt mistreated by others, but she never stuck up for herself.
By changing this behaviour she could be honest with others which generated more confidence and courage to connect with others without fear.
You’ve heard the saying ‘become the change you want to see in the world’. Becoming what you value is a way to go deeper in a more consistent way.
Becoming what you value helps you to become more connected to yourself and thus present in the moment.
This leads us to step three.
Step Three: Thinking is the enemy
So what do I mean by this? Thinking when problem-solving is obviously not the enemy.
It’s the thinking that disconnects us from being present in the moment and disconnects us from becoming what we value most.
The person who is constantly worried about the future or won’t let go of past events will suffer.
Many people are stuck in past events, they hold onto them thinking they need them to stay safe. Someone living with fear as a focus will create more stress in their own lives and in those around them.
Others become stuck in the future and the fear of what it may bring.
Not letting go of the past and the future only brings one thing – a disconnect to the present and a disconnect to be what we value most.
This is why people who live with fear end up creating the very thing they fear because it’s their focus.
The women who feared her husband would have an affair was part of the process that created his affair. She was so fearful he would cheat on her she never actively loved him. So he found love elsewhere.
When people are planning their lives with me I get them to focus on what they want, define the steps to get it. I then help them to let go of the goal and enjoy the journey enjoy each step.
Inner peace comes from your ability to be present in the moment stop the thinking, accept yourself, become what you value and let go!
When an individual can start to connect with these skills and there are more to discover, they’ll have the ability to craft the life and relationships they want with real confidence.
The key to a great marriage is intrinsically connected to having a great relationship with yourself.
