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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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5 Actions That Can Lead Couples To Serious Problems

If you have been a subscriber for a while you will know that I see a lot of couples at crisis point with serious problems all wanting help to discover if it’s possible to create a dynamic that could work long-term. 

Every couple comes to the session with a unique problem, usually a combination of destructive factors some obvious and some which the couple are totally blind to.

Usually one person wants to win the relationship back and the others feelings ranges from totally detached to wanting the marriage to work, but not convinced anyone could help them.

It’s true every situation is very different and each needs a different approach, but you would have to be blind not to notice some common threads in all these couples regardless of their specific situation.

All the couples I agree to work with are really lovely people, but they have caused real problems for their partner without realising. The ping-pong effect of misunderstood problems can destroy the trust in each person that a happy future together is actually possible.

So I thought it might be valuable for you to get an insight into what I’m seeing.

1. Far and away the biggest problem is couples are unaware of how different they are. As a result both men and women will have an unrealistic expectation that their partner will understand them and when they prove they don’t over time they assume their partner doesn’t care. The feeling of not being understood then leads to not feeling loved and this is so painful an individual can detach themselves emotional resulting in loss of love and attraction for their partner.

2. The next problem that also leads couples to serious problem is when the couple have totally different needs that drive them to connect with what important to them. What most people do is assume their partner works the same as they do and this causes significant misunderstandings as their own partner seems to act in confusing ways.

3. Communication or lack of effective communication is a big problem. So if day-to-day communication is being filtered through the confusion (see above) of not understanding how different men and women are and both people have differing needs, but don’t know it.

It’s not difficult to see that eventually even simple conversations will become a problem. So when the pressure is on, some couples will result in all out war, some couples will battle in silence, internally processing their problems.

What’s key is in conflict the individuals are totally unaware of the destructive impact they are having on themselves and each other based on assumptions they are both making about what’s happening in that moment.

4. Throughout all the above the individuals in reaction to each other will start to change and it’s this change that is a real problem. Normal loving caring people can change their behaviour to protect themselves from what they are experiencing with each other.

5. The icing on the cake is if a couple have practiced all the above or similar behaviours and now when they look at the future they once imagined it has disappeared. This new vision that the future will be as bad as the past further reenforces their feeling the relationship is not right. This creates even more emotional detachment.

As a result of these kinds of behaviours a person who wants to leave will start to see their past in the relationship through a filter that looks for all the problems.

This filter has the ability to rewrite the couples experience together and so they can question everything. Such as maybe we were never right for each other from the start.

The good news in all this is if this happens it is possible to rebuild the relationship. However this is never the goal when a couple comes to me for help.

I believe that some couples shouldn’t be together and parting for some is the right thing, all my clients are on a journey to discover if it’s possible to create a dynamic that can work long-term and it has to work for both people.

So if any of the above has struck a chord with you. You can book an initial consultation and book your appointment online by clicking here

 

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

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Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

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Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.


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Recent Posts

  • Do You Know Your Values & Why They Are So Important?
  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
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