If you have been a subscriber for a while you will know that I see a lot of couples at crisis point with serious problems all wanting help to discover if it’s possible to create a dynamic that could work long-term.
Every couple comes to the session with a unique problem, usually a combination of destructive factors some obvious and some which the couple are totally blind to.
Usually one person wants to win the relationship back and the others feelings ranges from totally detached to wanting the marriage to work, but not convinced anyone could help them.
It’s true every situation is very different and each needs a different approach, but you would have to be blind not to notice some common threads in all these couples regardless of their specific situation.
All the couples I agree to work with are really lovely people, but they have caused real problems for their partner without realising. The ping-pong effect of misunderstood problems can destroy the trust in each person that a happy future together is actually possible.
So I thought it might be valuable for you to get an insight into what I’m seeing.
1. Far and away the biggest problem is couples are unaware of how different they are. As a result both men and women will have an unrealistic expectation that their partner will understand them and when they prove they don’t over time they assume their partner doesn’t care. The feeling of not being understood then leads to not feeling loved and this is so painful an individual can detach themselves emotional resulting in loss of love and attraction for their partner.
2. The next problem that also leads couples to serious problem is when the couple have totally different needs that drive them to connect with what important to them. What most people do is assume their partner works the same as they do and this causes significant misunderstandings as their own partner seems to act in confusing ways.
3. Communication or lack of effective communication is a big problem. So if day-to-day communication is being filtered through the confusion (see above) of not understanding how different men and women are and both people have differing needs, but don’t know it.
It’s not difficult to see that eventually even simple conversations will become a problem. So when the pressure is on, some couples will result in all out war, some couples will battle in silence, internally processing their problems.
What’s key is in conflict the individuals are totally unaware of the destructive impact they are having on themselves and each other based on assumptions they are both making about what’s happening in that moment.
4. Throughout all the above the individuals in reaction to each other will start to change and it’s this change that is a real problem. Normal loving caring people can change their behaviour to protect themselves from what they are experiencing with each other.
5. The icing on the cake is if a couple have practiced all the above or similar behaviours and now when they look at the future they once imagined it has disappeared. This new vision that the future will be as bad as the past further reenforces their feeling the relationship is not right. This creates even more emotional detachment.
As a result of these kinds of behaviours a person who wants to leave will start to see their past in the relationship through a filter that looks for all the problems.
This filter has the ability to rewrite the couples experience together and so they can question everything. Such as maybe we were never right for each other from the start.
The good news in all this is if this happens it is possible to rebuild the relationship. However this is never the goal when a couple comes to me for help.
I believe that some couples shouldn’t be together and parting for some is the right thing, all my clients are on a journey to discover if it’s possible to create a dynamic that can work long-term and it has to work for both people.
So if any of the above has struck a chord with you. You can book an initial consultation and book your appointment online by clicking here