When I started researching relationships I was staggered at how much information I had to learn. For example, every couple is totally unique and they have created very unique ways to experience their problem(s).
This meant every couple requires totally unique solutions based on a well-defined plan to help them solve their specific problem(s). This results in couples needing multiple approaches to interrupt and permanently correct corrosive patterns.
In today’s post, I’m going to share some of those patterns that help couple lose their connection without them knowing. This post is designed to help any couple reading this stop making their situations worse by either stopping the corrosive behaviour or to seeking help to stop out of control patterns.
1. Lose connection with yourself
It’s so easy to lose a connection with yourself in a relationship. The problem that’s created by doing this is it can create significant emotional pain as the person becomes emotionally lost. All of my clients learn that they should have recognised this issue the moment it started to prevent years of suffering.
Losing connection with yourself can make you feel stuck, depressed, anxious you might feel you need to be in control of everything or by contrast you can totally give up all control to please your partner.
Both men and women can do this but the result is a shift in dynamic that stops the couple being attracted to each other. This creates years of a negative attachment thus leading one person to want freedom from the relationship.
This problem is very obvious once children have left home or a business is sold or when children are born.
These big events highlight the problem.
2. Use withdrawal as a means of self-protection
Many people start to withdraw from their relationship as resentments start to stack. This creates a temporary fix to their problem because this fix can actually break the relationship.
Relationships need both people invested and the moment one person pulls back the relationships starts to die.
Withdrawal in one person will eventually trigger self-defence in both people and circular problems can be the result.
3. Use a personal problem as a means of self-protection
A person can use a personal problem such as depression as a means to protect them from facing their deepest fears in their relationship. This is one of the reasons people with depression can protect their need to keep it.
Depression is just one of many personal problems a person can develop to protect themselves. Whats important is to see this is what’s happening and seek help as soon as possible because the pattern needs to be broken to help the person reconnect to themselves their partner and their life.
4. Not making your relationship a priority
Couples that make children or work their priority will at some point feel the relationship reach a critical point because one person can eventually enter into a massive needs deficit and this will change them.
This change comes on the back of feelings such as loss, loneliness and abandonment the person can feel so insignificant they will need to escape their very powerful feelings.
Sadly this can mean the person feels the relationship has to end for them to feel better again.
I see couples that have put the relationship last and are now forced to focus 100% on it to try and save it.
5. Using emotional weapons to rebalance conflict
Couples over time can learn what buttons to push with each other as a means to manipulate situations by purposely hurting their partner.
This process simply keeps the battle going. If someone is emotionally hurt you can bet this will not make them more loving.
One of the biggest problems that consistently take couples to divorce is the process of trying to love someone you have to protect yourself from.
Eventually, the self-protection will win and the relationship will die.
6. Men do not understand the importance of learning how to read their wifes’ emotions
I spend a significant amount of time helping men understand and read his wife emotions so he can effectively translate what she is really trying to communicate.
Her language patterns are totally different from his and so when she thinks she is being crystal clear her husband is highly likely to be hearing something very different.
She will quickly feel he hasn’t understood and react to this negatively this can help him to feel he’s always failing and so he can give up communicating.
This process is disastrous for the marriage.
Men are constantly telling me their wives simply don’t make sense to them. The problem-solving pattern the majority of men run is if they can’t understand or fix the problem they let the problem go and focus on something else.
7. Biggest mistake women can make is assuming men are like them.
I also spend a significant amount of time helping women understand how men think and operate is totally different from them.
So whats totally obvious to her is like knitting fog to him.
As I went through this with one lady she was staggered at how different she was to her husband and this knowledge helped her change her approach to bring out the best in him. Historically she had been shutting him down whilst trying to get him to open up.
As I said, in the beginning, every couple is different so I always have to learn the specific pattern(s) the couple have created so I can help them break through their blocks to enjoy exciting relationship again.
All these 7 patterns are significantly damaging so please don’t let them take hold.
Human behaviour is not random everything that happens has a purpose so just because what you experiencing doesn’t make sense it’s doesn’t mean it can’t be explained.
So to all couples struggling your problems are not necessarily a sign your relationship can’t work it’s simply a sign that what you are currently doing isn’t working so the truth of your relationship is in learning the changes that will make the real difference in your life.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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