One of the biggest mistakes I see people in relationships make is they don’t take the time to really understand their partner.
Many are under the illusion their partner is like them, but they couldn’t be further from the truth.
It’s true many people get together through shared values, but keeping connected to those values is going to be a struggle if you don’t know how to translate your partners’ words and behaviours correctly.
In essence, I see great people who have turned perfectly good marriages into ones no one would want to be in.
They do this because they don’t have the skills and tools to connect to each other when it really matters, so they live disconnected.
This can result in stacked resentments and self-protection the perfect formula to help someone fall temporarily out of love.
Keep practising those behaviours and temporary could end up being permanent.
I spend a good percentage of my time helping couples learn how to interpret each other’s words and behaviours so they can get on the same page.
There are some generic behaviours that most men and most women naturally create and there are behaviours that are specific to the individuals and the patterns they created from their childhood through all their life challenges.
Sadly most people are far too reactive with each other, so a loving, kind, generous person can change into being judgmental or controlling or aggressive or defensive.
Instead of two adults behaving like two 5-year-olds calling each other names in a playground, what if they took a step back and learnt how to ask better questions about the situation you are in.
The problem with conflict in couples it’s deep-rooted to some primary fears that most people want to avoid so they can be easily triggered.
The key is to understand the significant differences in what a man and a woman are trying to achieve in a conflict situation because their needs are very different.
One example: A man could bring logic as a means to fix his partners upset. If he does this, why does she become even more upset?
So he can’t use logic, so he tries anger or frustration; he then tries ignoring her or escaping physically. He’s running out of ideas what can he do to fix the problem?
To fix it, he has to understand what she is really experiencing and needing to be able to solve what for him is an impossible riddle.
There are also significant differences in the needs of men and women in simple day-to-day communication get it wrong, and this results in even more disconnection.
Example: She’s trying to talk to him, and she watches as he glazes over, what’s she trying to achieve and why does he really behave this way, is he really rude or disinterested in her?
There are also many different way people experience love and connection.
Keeping the passion alive is challenging for many couples.
There are significant differences in how men and women get to wanting a sexual connection with each other. This process is critical to know if you want a healthy sexual connection for life.
It’s critical to know what drives your partner and be a part of helping them to connect to that driver.
This topic is massive, and this post only touches on a fraction of why so many couples are struggling.
The mission is to get couples on the same page so they can build a secure passionate life-long connection together.
If you are struggling, then please know it’s normal to struggle.
Couples fall in and out of love all the time.
Nature never intended a man and a woman to live in a box together for life so please know your struggle is not necessarily a sign you’re incompatible it’s just a sign there is more to know and new skills to develop for those that value their relationship and how to be more effective in it.