I was sat in a coffee shop sipping coffee and enjoying a slice of homemade cake. Cloe (my wife) was browsing their goods for sale, I sat peacefully enjoying the quiet and watching my wife get excited about her next purchase.
Cloe and I started a conversation with the owner and the lady said to me.
“You look so calm” I did feel calm.
She said if that was my husband he would be stressing, looking at his watch, wanting to go.
She was describing his “impatience” and “frustration”.
I smiled and said, “why would I do that to myself?”
She half smiled back and looked at me strangely.
What she didn’t know is she just told me about an emotional pattern her husband will do to himself.
You see many people are doing emotions to themselves that are not good for their state of mind or their health.
Why would I stress myself by choice that makes no sense to me?
It’s like the person who says “I feel so disrespected!” What they are not aware of is that’s not an emotion people do to you, it’s an emotion you create and do to yourself.
Wouldn’t they be horrified if they knew the truth?
My question is this; why do that upsetting emotion to yourself especially if the only one that’s getting hurt is you?
We are back to the old saying you’re drinking the poison and hoping others will die.
Personally, I like to do the emotions to myself that I like.
When emotions pop up that I’m not fond of, then the mission is to quickly change them to ones that will serve me better.
This is a process of course, but anyone can learn it.
Like most people for many years emotions happened to me and I reacted and I accepted them as normal, I didn’t know any better just like most people.
So if you keep experiencing feelings you don’t like and have a tendency to blame others for how you feel you are in a common pattern that’s not helpful to you.
You were not born with it, you were taught it.
Plus the concept that “people make you feel things” is an illusion that’s not helpful, you have feelings because you create them.
You are the creator therefore once you know how you create them then you are back in control.
Plus if the only difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is the way they think and how they think creates how they feel – this for many is critical to learn.
In some cases, people are running these destructive patterns and it’s affecting their physical health too.
When I think of that self-destructive pattern it’s sad to know so many are out of control of their lives with terrible feelings thinking other people are making them feel that way.
People can’t run in your brain and make you feel things.
People can trigger us that’s true, but after the trigger, every emotion is of your own creation you have a choice, but many don’t see it.
So they react the way their emotional pattern has been designed.
Once you start to choose the emotions after the trigger, the trigger starts losing its power.
I remember one lady who when under stress ran a pattern of smiling.
I said to her “I notice you do smiling to yourself when under stress, who did you learn that from?”
“My mother,” she said. “She didn’t want others to know they were upsetting her.”
I said, “So she chose smiling and gave it to you and now you run that pattern without thought.”
“Since I was a child,” she said, still smiling.
So if you ponder what you have read today and then consider that all life is about is experiencing the feelings we want.
Wouldn’t it be sad if all along we could have chosen the feelings we wanted we just were not aware it was possible or how to do it?
This is part of “Living life on your terms“ – a small program I run for individuals who want to take back control of their life.
- They could be in a relationship and have lost themselves.
- Divorced and struggling with their new life.
- Feeling life has no direction.
- Feeling stuck and don’t know why.
Maybe like this gentleman below you have had enough and want to create the life you want.
After learning this one gentleman told me “I’m driving the train now!”
Simple steps to an empowered life.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
- Why Do We Keep Creating a Relationship Neither of Us Wants? - October 15, 2026
- Are You Making Things Better or Worse in Your Marriage? - October 11, 2026
- Before You Decide Whether to Save Your Marriage or Leave It, Read This - October 10, 2026