Every day I spend my time with people in crisis. I see multiple people a day, each one with a totally different problem from affairs to loss of love from breaches of trust to circular conflicts and power struggles.
So I’ve ended up with a very unique perspective on the world of relationships. What’s important about this perspective is the data I have collected for over a decade on those that are successful and those that aren’t.
The successful people have all consistently done the same things to save their marriage. Today I’m going to share some of my findings.
Seven Steps to Save Your Marriage From Divorce
These are the seven steps all successful couples are taking to avoid divorce regardless of the problem they have brought to me.
Yes, that’s right – regardless of the problem they bring!
So let’s jump straight in to see how each step can help a couple from being in deep marital crisis to a safe lasting sexual connection in just a few weeks.
This is what all the successful the people did…
1. Integrity & openness
Regardless of the pain, they are both in they both show personal integrity. Initially, I spend time with them individually and then as a couple. The integrity they bring comes in the form of being open and truthful from their own perspectives. It’s not important how bad the situation is, what’s critical is a perspective of truth is shared initially with me.
This is critical because how can you plot a course from A (where they currently are) to B (where they want to be) if we don’t know where A is. A typical example is when one person is having an affair and neither myself or their partner is aware during the sessions so the integrity is lost.
2. The Truth
With a foundation of integrity and an openness, the individuals are in the right emotional space to start to learn how to make the right decisions. They have usually been stuck for a while and are looking for a new perspective that will free them, that’s why they are with me.
In this place, they can start to learn about themselves and each other and what’s going to have to change if they are going to reach the goals they are after. They learn how, without realising they have been part of the destructive process that’s created the crisis they are currently in.
Big challenges for couples come from the perspective of seeing their relationship problems as their partner fault. This perspective creates a feeling of powerlessness.
The moment both people can start to take responsibility for their part in the collapse of their relationship then they have taken back control to change the future so it’s safe for them.
Of course to take responsibility some individuals need help to get to this point especially if they have suffered for years. What’s important is the lack of responsibility = lack of control.
This is why many people blindly take the only control they feel they have and that’s to leave their marriage. This decision without a full understanding of what’s really happened could be devastating for themselves and their family.
Many people think to fix their relationship the starting point is to connect with their partner. So they try getting through for years and exhausted they give up. The initial problem isn’t the connection with their partner it’s the connection with themselves.
I’ll show you why this is important: Couples on a journey to crisis, naturally create two people in fearful states feeling they have to defend or protect themselves from their partner. Practised for long enough the fear/loss of trust can become the identity the person becomes and lives in, but it’s not reflective of their true self.
So the person in fear now hears and sees the relationship very differently and therefore acts differently in the relationship.
So to change this destructive dynamic both people will learn with me who they have become in the marriage what it was designed for and why NOT being their true selves is not safe for them.
The only way to be safe in life is to be who you are and assess your critical life decisions from that perspective.
You can’t help a couple out of fear whilst they are in an identity that only wants to see and keep hold of their fear. They simply won’t hear any other message than danger! So they will live in a survival state until the relationship dies.
Once the person has learnt how to create a meaningful connection with themselves then their personal fear can be significantly reduced which gives them the courage to have empathy for their partners’ experience.
This position of empathy starts to change the focus of the relationship from protecting me from you to wanting to feel their partners pain and wanting to be there for them.
This is where the couple’s connection can really start to grow as both people learn how different they are. They learn the rules that will create success for them and what they both really need for them to feel safe and ultimately reignite their passion for each other.
This process now has the ability to help both people to bring kindness to each other. Kindness is a powerful emotional state that when brought to meeting each other’s needs, day-to-day life, dealing with conflict and communication.
The couple in this space have the ability to share the truth whilst remaining connected and therefore they can grow their trust, security and their love, passion for each other.
This last step of freedom is the key to your sexual connection which is critical a foundation of your relationship. Couples with a sexual disconnect are vulnerable to problems that simmer and grow and quietly erode the relationship from the inside.
When both people feel that they can be themselves in the relationship the couple can now learn what specifically creates their attraction for each other, they learn their passion identities and how to keep the passion alive for life. In this space, they feel safe to share their deepest needs and desires.
What these very powerful 7 Steps create are gateways to become leaders in their relationship. It’s great for their family as they can teach their children a safe way to live through their own behaviour. They naturally create a team focused on their core strengths. From this position, they can experience a jointly invested journey into an exciting life from a position of passion and natural security.
Learning this process is a must for any person wanting to get to the truth in their marriage. I have many people starting this process both on their own (their partner doesn’t want to attend) and with their partner.