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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Arguments, Circular Conflicts, Bickering…

This couple walks into my office they sit down and proudly tell me they never argue. For some reason, they think this has been good for their relationship.

They then tell me they have become more friends than lovers, which is what happens to many couples who don’t argue.

What I see in their case is low energy and an inability to be emotionally honest with each other. 

There is a belief out there that conflict and arguments are bad for relationships.

The passionate difference of opinion and thinking of two people isn’t what’s bad. What’s bad is the way so many couples do it.

Two people are always going to experience the same situations differently and sometimes this will result in a difference of opinion/perspective and meaning which is normal.

What doesn’t work is when the couple uses their differences as a weapon against each other and the relationship.

Healthy conflict

The goal for any couple is to create an outcome which is a win-win for both people, remember they are supposed to love each other and be on the same team.

Sadly the goal for many is to win the battle and when there is a winner that means there is a loser. If one person on the same team loses then naturally the team loses yet very few naturally see this problem.

If couples realised they were a team and instead of battling each other and trying to be right, they’ll both give themselves an opportunity to hear what is really going on from their partners perspective.

If this new understanding happened they could support their partner rather than become their judge (BTW judging isn’t loving).

Seeing the world from your partners perspective is the key to open communication and building respect.

Most couples are practising a loss of respect, loss of connection due to the way they argue and this will kill their connection.

In many cases, one person exploding is going to create either an equal force (two people exploding) or the opposite energy (one explodes the other withdraws self-numbs) which only makes the situation worse for the exploding person.

In some cases, individuals have an upbringing that creates their pattern. A child exposed to constant conflict is going to adopt that pattern as an adult.

A child that lives in an environment of no conflict is going to learn that “no conflict pattern”. Imagine what happens to this person when they marry someone who has learnt that emotional explosions are normal.

  • So learnt patterns from childhood are one source of the couple’s problem.
  • Another challenge is not hearing when the conflict is a cry for help.
  • Conflict for some can be attached to stacked resentments. So what they are arguing about has nothing to do with the where the real pain is coming from.
  • Some people use conflict as a low-grade way to control, influence or have power their partner.
  • Some people further fuel conflict by defending themselves from their partner this creates an energy suggesting their partner is intentionally trying to hurt them, in most cases this assumption is not true.

I remember a business man telling me his wife clearly didn’t love him. She was visibly shocked.

I asked him why he felt this way. He said the way she spoke to him was awful.

I told him I could see the reason she is acting this way is because she is in love with you, but feels there is no connection so her upset is trying to wake you up to the pain she is in.

She wants reassurance that she is loved, but what she is getting is a shut-down man that is acting like he doesn’t care which is confirming her fear and now she is really scared.

By helping her see his perspective and what he needed and helping him understand hers means that these types of problems are met with understanding and care rather than a cycle of attacking and defending.

Far too many couples are acting as if their partner is trying to hurt them and this simply isn’t true.

When couples understand the patterns they are in and how they can bring real understanding and alignment it means two people have the ability to step up and support the relationship when their partner is struggling.

Conflict is normal because everyone is different.

Please Note: Getting this part of the relationship wrong will create a struggle with attraction and intimacy and so the concept of lovers will be replaced with identities like mum and dad or workers.

Relationships are not about winning, losing and compromising.

Understanding brings in trust and ability to positively influence each other.

Imagine if no matter what problem arises you both knew what to do to make each situation a win-win, how much impact would learning that new skill mean to your lives together?

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"Marriage in Crisis? Application to work with Stephen Hedger"

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Over 850 Relationship Articles

 

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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About Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for consistently and naturally saving many marriages from divorce. He is a favourite of business leaders, business owners, Judges and celebrities.

Stephen runs his meetings from his office in Harley Street London and supports his global clients over Zoom.

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Please Save Our Marriage! – Testimonial

March 1, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

Please Save Our Marriage! This was the first email I recieved from Darren and Sue, they were at breaking point. When they first entered my clinic you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. This was a couple with young children on the edge, breaking up seemed like the only option open to them… Sue […]

“He thought his life was over..!”

March 1, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is a little different. I wanted to share with you a clients words about his experience of the pain of his divorce and the process of rebuilding him and his future. Over to him… The words hit me like a hammer ~ “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken, you never were. […]

“His emotions were sabotaging what he really wanted…”

November 3, 2019 By Stephen Hedger

What you are about to read is about is a gentleman in turmoil. He thought he had lost the girl he loved and his one-year-old son. She had left him and this connected him to his core fears, emotions that were powerful enough to sabotage him from getting the very thing he wanted. As his […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for saving marriages from divorce through his tailored Marriage Breakthrough Program.


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • An Intimacy Conundrum
  • The cost of NOT hearing a cry for help
  • Triggered?
  • “If you change yourself, you can change your life…”
  • Effective communication for couples…

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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