Attraction is a fundamental foundation for every relationship, but I’m not convinced people are aware of how important it is in keeping a relationship alive.
When I say attraction, I’m talking about the energy created between two people that has to attract them to each other on many levels.
I’m not talking just about sexual attraction, but that is part of it.
There are many components that make someone attractive to be around.
I’m using the word energy because a physically attractive person can have or create a very unattractive/ugly energy.
So the energy a person brings to the table is a critical building block for attraction to consistently exist.
Couples that come to me are so stressed because they have created an ongoing energy that is killing or has killed their attraction on every level.
The result of this is a person suffering due to a stacking of resentments.
A resentful person will end up struggling to see their partner as an attractive energy and this is a problem that needs addressing fast.
Someone might say there is no question my partner is physically attractive, just not to me anymore.
Couples in this space will naturally argue, self-protect, or find someone else attractive.
You see, at the root of this problem are two challenges.
One: Fear
Two: Lack of knowledge.
Some people fear they won’t be loved and worry they are not enough. This creates many different types of patterns none build successful connections.
Secondly, they are going to be disconnected from the knowledge of their partners’ emotional system, which is very different from theirs.
This means their actions won’t help their partner to feel good.
Over time this will create a repellent energy, and this will ignite the fear they are not enough in at least one person.
So now we have the worst formula for attraction.
At least one person is afraid, multiplied by two people who don’t know what to do to keep the attraction energy alive.
The fearful person will keep alive a pattern of self-protection that is guaranteed to kill their connection.
Their partner will not understand what is happening and what’s needed and then will make things worse.
If they try to fix this without the correct understanding of the problem they face, they will keep failing and this can lead to a false truth.
Nature has designed masculine and feminine energy to be very different, and we are not taught to understand this critical fact growing up.
Most couples are unaware of these critical differences, and it’s killing their connection.
This is so confusing for couples because their connection and attraction used to be automatic.
Feeling bad too often, they can conclude that now it’s hard, maybe they are wrong for each other?
Couples are getting confused and then suffering because the attraction based chemistry a person creates within them at the start of a relationship doesn’t last ever!
We all know this, but most are unaware of the challenge this creates.
So once natures chemistry has gone, the couple then has to create their own chemistry, and this can only happen through knowledge.
The knowledge they don’t have and don’t look for until it’s too late.
So can you see the risk?
Couples are blind to the foundation that keeps their marriage alive.
Couples across the world are unaware of the danger, and they invest their whole life into a vehicle (marriage) that is very slowly going out of control.
Foundations for attraction
For attraction to thrive both people must feel free.
Free to be themselves is essential, this means a persons desire to control their relationship or partner must stop.
The people I meet have lost connection with themselves, especially when they are with their partner.
Next, they must understand the core drivers in themselves and their partner emotionally.
This is where many differences will appear, but these differences are about the person’s nature, not their sexual energy.
These two components are critical foundations for the process of attraction to start.
Without this free sexual connection cannot take place.
I’m saying this because some very disconnected couples do maintain a sexual connection, but not an emotional one.
They are using a sexual connection to protect the relationship, but never feeling connected means a fear is being kept alive and this will at some point break their connection.
Most are unaware of how to connect and be themselves in an intimate relationship, and they are disconnected from each other’s emotional drivers.
One 70-year-old gentleman I was coaching out of his crisis said.
I know my wife. I’ve been married to her for 45 years.
But now I realised I didn’t really know her.
This is a sad reality for too many couples.
Understanding, or should I say a lack of understanding of how this attraction formula works, is why so many people fail.
So they leave their marriage and run the same problem with someone new.
I totally agree that a lack of understanding of this formula can mean people can choose the wrong partner at the start, which is why they suffer.
People can become attracted to the wrong things.
BUT…
With so much at risk, why bring the divorce to a relationship when the reason for breaking up hasn’t yet been understood.
Couples that learn the knowledge of how attraction is created will be working on understanding the foundations that allow the attraction to grow.
This is how couples with dead emotional and sexual connections for over ten years rediscover their spark.
In many couples the connection isn’t dead, it’s just dormant, they are just lost unaware of what they don’t know.
Imagine knowing about all the things you can do that will kill the possibility of attraction?
Now imagine knowing what you can do that will build the connection so attraction on every level will return?
You see relationships are only hard when you don’t know how it works.
Many people have come to me saying yes, but you don’t know my wife or my husband we are different to other people.
My answer is you can be right with what you are saying, but it means you are at the end of the road with nothing more to learn.
Are you ready for that decision or do you want to discover the truth and avoid years of pain?
The people who have succeeded out of crisis started learning their truth despite years of proof that equals an unhappy disconnected future is likely.
What they did differently is they became curious about what they didn’t know.
Each person became committed to themselves with a view to creating their own happiness through understanding how it all worked.
This means they learnt something important, with the right information can our connection actually work?
For some, this is a journey on their own and for others, it’s one they will want to take together.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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