Todays post is so important to understand because too many couples are in trouble for a reason they are not connecting to. So I want to help you understand what can happen to a couple that could lead to a disconnection.
When couples try to fix what they think is the problem most couples will fail, but without knowing the real reason why. This can lead them to the wrong assumption about their relationship and so sadly they give up.
So imagine this, a person has felt bad in a relationship for a while and has attached those bad feelings to the relationship, so far a normal situation, but…
What if this person has actually created their own bad feelings and without knowing incorrectly made the relationship responsible?
This situation is very common, but is then confused by their partners reaction to this new emotional state in them. The ping-pong of confused, negative feelings mask where the problem started and so a symptom is created for the couple to either focus on, try to fix, or ignore leaving many couples lost.
To give you some clarity, imagine this: A person has a “need” which is critical to them yet they are consciously unaware of what that need is.
This “need” is critical, but instead of meeting that need constructively so they feel fulfilled, they meet their own need destructively without knowing, resulting in them feeling emotionally empty. This could then lead them to look for a meaning they can attach to this experience.
All humans need to make sense of what they are experiencing and so they start to look for what they can attach their uncomfortable feelings to.
The problem with this is, whenever a person looks for a problem they are fairly guaranteed they will find something and whilst in a poor emotional state it’s very easy to see the world through a distorted and more negative filter.
In reaction to what they think they are seeing that’s bad, they become self protective. Because it’s impossible to protect yourself from your partner and love them at the same time, the person can start to feel automatically detached.
This process can be a slow one and because most peoples lives are so busy, they don’t notice the severity of the situation until someone says I want to leave the marriage.
When a person wants to leave the marriage, what they are saying is when I think of a future with you all I see is emotional pain.
Of course this is only 100% true if the couple repeats their history in the future.
If the couple are given the chance to change their behaviours to reflect meeting their “needs” at the highest level then the couple can start to see if a successful long-term dynamic is actually possible.
For couples especially those with children, they usually find being able to be a secure role model to their children through a deeper understanding of how they work creates a stronger family connection where everyone is loved for who they are.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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